Family Matter - draining motherhood

draining motherhood

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Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Description: Discuss Family Issues
URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=18074
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Topic: draining motherhood

Posted By: Nooraini Ahmad
Subject: draining motherhood
Date Posted: 02 January 2011 at 9:14pm

salam...i really need advise and guidance....i am a single mother, been divorce for more 4 years...i have 2 sons...16 and 10 both boys. The problems are both my brain and heart are draining...the two boys are rebellious and always talk back if i tell them to do things or more difficult to pray or whatever! What is more disheartening my ex is totally not involved in raising the kids financially, religiously or be it in other aspects of lifes, so i dun have any kind of support!!! Its killing me!

This is effecting my life, i am so lonely. There were times when i feel just dun care this kids and thinks abt myself, like telling me it is about time that i must take care of myself...so, i met some guys thinking that would make me happy but it turn out i am more sad bcoz he just wants me for sex! I did some sinful things now my heartache and deeply disappointed with myself.
I feel lost, draining......stuck in a rut? pls help me..

Replies:

Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 06 January 2011 at 9:05am

Asalaam Alaikum Nooraini,

Single parents have SUCH A tough road. May Allah reward you for your efforts.

Teenage rebellion is not unusual.

I would say with your oldest son, as far as respecting you and following general rules, its your way or the highway. My parents ALWAYS put their foot down, we toe the line or move on. guess what, we all complied. It was their home. If your eldest does not want to follow your rules, he can find somewhere else to live.

Why should your younger son listen to you? He sees his older brother treating you poorly and he'll do what he did...

It sounds harsh sister, but your elder son can and should do better. Yeah we acted up, but we always, always knew the line. Our parents never hit us.. but we knew.

You might be doing him a favor, cause life is rough and their are rules to follow. Time for your son to grow up.

Keep us posted..

My duas for you sister..

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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi

Posted By: CDefonet
Date Posted: 07 January 2011 at 8:45am

My heart and preys go out to you.

I agree with Hayfa, you must get your children under control, one techneque we use is 1,2,3 magic. This gives your child the chance to change his behaviour before he gets punishment. Basically when they do something you don't like you start to count....that is 1, that is 2, that is 3....when you reach 3 the punishment. For us, with little children, it is time outs, but as your children are older it would have to be no phone for the evening, no computer, no TV...whatever....in extreme cases if they still don't listen you may have to cut the power to your house until they start to take you seriously. If they don't listen just add more time, that is another hour without TV......that is 1 more.....1more etc

Stop talking to them, parents talk too much when it comes to dealing with punishment, our natural reaction is to reason with our kids, they need strict rules and boundaries.

I really hope things change for you, I guarentee when your family is in order you will meet the right man, you will be happy and project that to the right kind of guys, remember you don't need a man to be happy. I know it is lonley sometimes, but don't settle for a scumbag who will just use you.

Have faith sister.

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Posted By: John S
Date Posted: 04 March 2011 at 6:22pm

It is my opinion that the older son should be given responsibilities in the household- like it or not, as far as Islam is concerned, he is the 'man of the house' and has certain obligations to live up to- assuming he's being raised as a practicing Muslim, of course. If he steps up to the plate and grows up, the younger son will want to emulate him and insha'Allah your house will become a happy one.

Of course if your older son does not want the privileges of being the 'man of the house' (you have to give the carrot, too, and not just the stick), he can be made to understand that when he comes of age he is welcome to seek lodging elsewhere and the younger son will be put 'in charge'.

May Allah(swt) bless you and give you the strength and guidance you need ~