Dear sisters,
I have made so many mistakes over the last eight years, I need to seek forgiveness. I am scared that I will never be a true believer and that I will be in the fires of hell for eternity.
To start, I have never done anything to harm anyone else in my entire life. Instead, I have gone astray and harmed myself, and indirectly have harmed my wonderful loving parents.
As a child, I tried doing everything right, but was always prone to bad behaviors. In high school, I would sneak around to parties and lie to my parents, but I never did anything bad in high school other than this. I went to parties because I wanted friends. I did not drink with them or do drugs or anything like that. I just wanted company because I felt isolated as my parents worked a lot and I didn't have anyone at home.
In college, I started my bad behavior. I had boyfriends and partied and participated in the all the things Islam forbids. I forgot my religion. Then in 2005, I found my religion again. I prayed salat five times a day, fasted and held iftar parties, stopped partying, ended things with all boyfriends. My life started getting better. I found an excellent job and was happy.
After college, I moved to California. I was all by myself again. I was lonely and depressed all the time. Even though I had a good job, I felt isolated and felt that I had no hope. I prayed to Allah, and my life did not change.
Out of desperation, I went to a psychic. Over the course of the last two years, I paid her 11,000 dollars. She told me that I had a curse on me and that's why I had done all these behaviors and that is why I was depressed. Last year she told me that I would meet the man of my dreams in May of 2011, but it would not work out because of cultural problems. She could make it work out if we did meditations and all the materials would cost 18,000 dollars. At that point I worked up my faith and told her that if Allah wanted me to be unhappy in this life, he would make me happy in the next. That she couldn't possibly have the same powers as Allah.
Low and behold, I lived my life. I prayed to Allah. Tried living life good. Scary thing is, in May of 2011, I met the man of my dreams. Everything I dreamt of since childhood, he was. Unfortunately he was Hindu. I succumbed to my desires and had a relationship with him for 9 months. Two weeks ago, he broke up with me saying that his parents would never accept a Muslim and my parents would never accept a Hindu. I loved him enough to give up my faith and hurt my parents. What kind of evil sister could do that? I am scared that I will never have faith again. I have been reading a para a day in the Quran. I started going to mosque again. I read up on Jinn's and psychics, and I know that if the psychic was accurate, it was because a Jinn was feeding her incomplete information, and she could not possibly know if I was cursed. Only Allah knows that, and he is the most forgiving and would not curse me if I am desperately trying to be a good person.
Yet this pain is making me desperate. I do not sleep. I do not eat. I can barely function at work and may get fired. I am completely alone in California. My family is in Chicago. My friends are tired of me crying. I have lost my mind because I think the jinn that helped the psychic is trying to possess me and my house. I am scared to sleep in my house. And even still, I cannot stop missing that hindu boy. We talked on several instances of him converting, and I think Islam really spoke out to him. I miss him everyday, and I am convinced that he is the one I am written to marry. I am convinced that my destiny was to convert him and marry him. At the same time, I am convinced that I am crazy and don't know how to move on. I am convinced there is a jinn trying to possess me as I write this. I keep saying supplications to prevent possessions and I read surah Yasin, surah Rahman, and surah mulk everyday. I read the aytul kursi three times and clap loudly. I am very scared. I am going back to Chicago in two weeks and don't think I can make it until then.
Please help and give guidance. Am I going to hell? Am I possessed?
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