Asalamu Alaikum sisters,

InshAllah you can give me some input on a personal dilemma between my husband and I.  I am an American woman who converted to Islam 4 years ago.  My husband and I have been married for about 9 years and he is originally Saudi/Lebanese but lived most of his life in the US.

My husband and I have been going through a difficult time for a while now.  He has been suffering from severe depression, anxiety, and the doctor suspects he could possibly be bipolar (manic-depressive).  I have always been supportive of him, and his decisions, and his career (even giving up my own so that we could move to follow his career path), but have found many of the important decisions he has been making have been quite wrong.  His treatment of me over the last couple of years (neglect is more like it), has affected our relationship greatly.

We have been for counseling, to both a psychologist and to the local Imam.  Nothing is helping so far.  My husband is stuck on this idea that the children we will have together inshAllah, must be raised in the middle east during the time they are in junior high through high school.  We had discussed before we married that we would not live outside the US, and he agreed to that.  Now he is changing everything and I dont know what to do.  This past year we moved to Saudi Arabia and moved back because we were both unhappy there.  I compromised and tried it in good faith, but it didnt work out for either of us.  Our Imam said that Islam comes before culture and we can raise good kids here in the US and there are plenty of Islamic schools and classes for our children in our area.  I told my husband I would be more than happy to spend the summers in the middle east so that our children would know their heritage.  Today he filled out a petition for divorce and called me from the side of the road on his way to file it, and said he couldnt go through with it, but would like a period of separation. 

He is thinking so irrationally and I am seeking some advice on how I can help him and save our marriage.  There is so much more to tell, but I dont want to type a book here.  I find I am losing my patience with him and the way that he is acting, and I have been praying for Allah's guidance in this situation.  I dont know what else to do.  I do not want to throw away a 9 year marriage because my husband is not well mentally, and that we are not able to come to a compromise on the children issue.  May Allah bless you for your help.

JazakAllahkhairan

Dear Sis,

I am not sure that I can help but I will try. First of all your husband needs to be tested for Bipolar and then treated. If he would take the treatment then he will be fine. Many people think that being mentally ill is horrible and you have to be crazy. This is not the case anymore. Your husband is bipolar, therfore, his brain in lacking certian chemicals to help him stay on an even path. He really needs to get the medicine to help. He will feel so much better and will not be this confused and upset. Any local Psychiatrist can help with the treatment and the medicine.  Your husband is really unable to make sound decisions right now and he cannot help what is happening to him. I have worked with a lot of bipolar patients before and it is a horrible disease left untreated. The only thing is that your husband thinks he is making good decisions and that can be dangerous. He does not have the capability if he is bipolar to know he is making wrong decisions.

If your marriage is going to work he has to get the treatment and medicine. The hardest thing is to convince him. I know that in their culture (the old ways) that they think this is a curse or God is punishing them. This is so not true and that is what you have convince him of in order to get himslef help.

I think your husband is changing everything because he is feeling out of control. I have a friend that moved to Jordan to let her children go to their schools there because her husband said she had to. What happened was that is was a nightmare. She told me that hate is taught for other cultures and religions. She was shocked about what the children came home and told her the teachers were teaching. My friend even went to the school to complain and the teachers themselves had no idea that it was different in other parts of the wold either. They were teaching a cirriculum that taught this about other cultures. Some of it was so horrible that I am not even going to go into it here. She brough her children home to the USA finally because she could not stand the amount of hate taught in the schools. I agree with you that in the summers you and your children should go and visit. They can learn the other half of their culture and the language. This would be a wonderful gift for them. Also, wait until you have children to get into this argument about where they will attend their high schools. This is such a long way off at this point.

I know you said your husband filed for divorce but could not go through with it. He is not able to think correctly right now. He is suffering a great deal with his illness and it is tearing him apart inside. I had a friend that suffered from bipolar and would not get help. I also remember going to her house one night because she called me and told me she wanted the pain to stop and took a bottle of Ativan. My husband and I went to her house and almost had to kick in the door. She did kill herself a year ago tomorrow. She left 3 small children behind and it was horrible. Beg your husband to get the treatment he needs. He does not have to suffer this way and nor will you. Just try to remember that he is not himself now and cannot make sound decisions and that he is basically fighting the devil within.

If I can help any further or you just need to talk, let me know. I will pray for you.

Lameese

Bismillah,

Sister, I understand your situation pretty well, and I agree with Lameese's comments.  I have thought a lot about this bi-polar issue in relation to a man in this situation.  Is it bi-polar when a man goes from cruel to kind to cruel?  Because bi-polar is from manic to depressed states on differents cycles with different people at different times.  Fighting the devil sounds very accurate to me.

Sister, be strong.  Someone has to be.  You can do it, and we will pray for you.  You make the decisions that are best for your family while he is ill and fighting the devil and losing a little too often.  Allah, SWT, guide you.  Saying Dhikr helps.