I lost my faith
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Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Description: Discuss Family Issues
URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=30542
Printed Date: 28 November 2024 at 11:09pm
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Topic: I lost my faith
Posted By: mdaud
Subject: I lost my faith
Date Posted: 31 July 2014 at 2:09pm
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Hi, I am writing you today because I feel my journey in Islam has come to an end. You see I was born into this world and raised Catholic. In 2001 I began reading the Koran given to me by a Pakistani man who owned a restaurant . I ordered the "halal dish" not knowing what that term meant he asked me what halal dish do you want. He realized I didn't know the concept of Halal so we began talking about it. I ended up getting chicken tikka masala. Anyway we talked and then I left. I came back another time ate and continued the discussion. He mentioned I can convert. I didn't do it right away. Then one September morning on the news was two jets crashing into the WTC. Right away I knew that it was an attack and so you all know what happened to muslims after that. Anyway I stayed away from this restaurant because I was angry at the religion or people that did this in the name of Islam. Then I came back and talked more knowing that the actions of a few do not define his actions of kindness. Eventually I read more and eventually I converted after a couple months later.
FF to today. I have been married 2x to Pakistani national girls the first not ever coming to USA. So I remarried to another Pakistani girl through an arrangement. I met the family and they seemed nice. Months later I went to Lahore to meet my fiance and marry her. I was very hopeful that my life would work out. I prayed 5x daily, fasted, gave up drinking and loved Allah (SWT). I married this girl and after a long immigration process that took years she finally came here on a Cool rainy November afternoon in 2010. I took my bride home and she wasn't happy with my apartment. "Too small not what she expected". So she was immediately unhappy even though I assured her we will find a bigger place. She had two sisters already living in Philly, I was in Boston . She called her sisters and they booked her a ticket to come visit her after a couple of weeks and after she received her green card and social security number. When she was to return, she never did so I called her family when she told me she wasn't coming back unless I paid her $$. She disappeared for 7 months coming back after 6months with the police at my door. I was not home so she went back to Philly. Then she called me a week later to get her clothes and suitcase and would meet me telling me the marriage is over. I WAS DEVASTED. I cried many times because I put so much effort and invested my plans for a future that would never be. Then a month later she called me asking me to take her back, that she didn't come to the country to do that. I accepted her apology because I didn't want another divorce and believed people deserve 2nd chances. So she lived with me for several months but started spending time at her sisters that both moved to Massachusetts an hour away. Then eventually she was living there most of the time because her eldest sister became ill with cancer. My wife was coming home on some weekends mainly for sex and trips to the mall. I gave her those things but I didn't try to get her pregnant because I knew something was off. She didn't pray with me, come to the masjid with me or do anything a Muslim wife does. She got 20 credit cards, and bought a new car told me it is not my business. At this point she was applying on her own for US. Citizenship and as I suspected she was only waiting for that. Long story I know but my wife became a US Citizen on April 17,2014 and told me the marriage is over on April 21, 2014 packing the rest of her things. She only lived with me for 6 months since 2012. Now she filed for divorce calling me cruel and is trying to get alimony. I am sitting all hours crying inside and sometimes openly at my desk at work, in my car alone thinking why did this happen to me. All the time I have not been praying, fasting or being a Muslim entirely. I try to pray and I begin to cry with anger and hopelessness. Allah is testing me too much and I cannot take it. You see I have no other family to speak of. No brothers or sisters and both parents are gone. I am alone! Now this is happening to me and all I can think about is ending it all. There is no happiness in my life and never has been. I cannot pray anymore because I breakdown inside and out with depression. I loved Allah but why has he done this my entire life. I believe in him but I cannot offer my prayers anymore. I've lived alone almost all my life and I can't bare living it alone. I loved this girl and loved her family and did so much for them but in reality Muslims only want US citizenship from suckers like me. I feel so worthless and alone. I've already planned out how I want to go but need to know if anyone out there cares. I'm 41 yrs old, no kids, no family nothing. There was a tornado in my neighborhood on Eid and I went out hoping I would get killed but I am here typing to you. I am alone no because I lost my faith. 
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Replies:
Posted By: Abu Loren
Date Posted: 02 August 2014 at 4:48am
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Asalaamu Alaikum
I've never been a loving person like you and I do not put my trust in human beings. This has helped me to love Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala and the Prophet (SalAllahu Alayhi Wa Sallam) more. If it's any comfort many Pakistani people and women in particular are not very religious and many DO cheat other people out of money and citizenship that they made this into an art. Marrying a person for citizenship is the most despicable thing a person can do. They are using another human being and playing with is emotions and heart. The worst thing you did was forsaking your prayers and fasting and worship of the Creator who created you. You should have sought comfort in Him because it is only He Who could comfort and protect us. Take a step toward Him and He will take two steps towards you. Also take comfort in the fact that there are women out there who fears and loves Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala. Pray to Him to give you a such a woman. He made us in pairs and when we marry we are completing our deen. Never EVER forsake Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala because if you do then you will be a loser in this life and in the next. Salaam ------------- La Ilaha IllAllah |
Posted By: NABA
Date Posted: 02 August 2014 at 4:56am
| Assalamalecum,what will happen when u face unbearable heat of hell for not praying???? What will happen that u will enter hell where not even death will come????.brother u r 41 and I m 24 u still failed to understand one thing-expect only from Allah, not from others, u expected from ur wife to b good but she couldn't y u r blaming Allah for that.u know the biggest blessing is to be enrolled under islam.Allah in ch 50 v 24 of Quran says every disbeliever will enter hell.u should stick to ur salaah n pray constantly read Quran in which Allah mentions by stating examples how our prophets (pbut all) prayed and Allah delivered them.keep praying brother, this is our duty, Allah in ch 51 v 56 says he created humans and jinns only to worship him.may Allah solve ur problems, may Allah grant u happiness both in this world and hereafter.Ameen. |
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 02 August 2014 at 9:55am
| Of course we are deeply concerned and saddened by what you have experienced. Indeed feelings of anger, sadness and depression are natural and normal emotions, which should decrease as times passes. If your depression is not allowing you to do normal activities such as work and interactions with others, you may want to let your doctor know about this. Perhaps a change of diet along with exercise and medical intervention will help you to overcome the crisis you are presently experiencing. You are a perfectly wonderful individual, and Allah-willing, you will meet someone deserving of your kindness. Do not despair, as we are all tested in life, better days are coming. Hang in there and you'll come out the other end a stronger and better person. Be patient. |