Living a Lie
Printed From: IslamiCity.org
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Groups : Women (Sisters)
Forum Description: Groups : Women (Sisters)
URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=31454
Printed Date: 30 November 2024 at 3:30pm
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Topic: Living a Lie
Posted By: Avandie17
Subject: Living a Lie
Date Posted: 13 September 2014 at 9:58am
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Salaam Alaykum: I'm really hurting right now and need someone to talk to. I'm the only muslim in my family (blood family). None of my sisters can relate to my dilemma. I'm often told by them to leave and divorce my husband. To give alittle background on my situation:
My husband and I have been married for 6 years this October. My husband has been out of work for the last 5 years and told me in July that he's taking a second wife. I asked him how can he do that as he's not taking care of me or the household. He told me he can do that because it's what Allah has granted him as a man.
My husband sought out this young lady and has begun to see her. He stay out all night at her house and is in my opinion very disrespectful to me in doing so. I've cried about it, I've pleaded with him not to do it, but he's doing it and I'm at my wits ends. I just don't know what to do. I want to do the right thing.
I don't want the frowns from Allah, I only want to please Allah. My husband tells me that he's not giving me a divorce because he's not doing anything wrong to me. He said he'll spend some time at her house then come home to me. Am I wrong for feeling betrayed by him.
I work, I pay bills, I'm a good wife to my husband and I asked him why he's doing this. Is he not pleased with me as his wife. He told me he's very pleased with me as his wife, that I'm a good wife. He always wanted to live in Polygamy and I just have to accept it.
I thought as the wife, I had a say about him taking another wife. Can someone please adivse me on how to proceed with this lie I'm living. I'm loving my husband living as his wife, when he's not being true to me, our marriage of the family.
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Replies:
Posted By: lady
Date Posted: 15 September 2014 at 2:37pm
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Walaakum Salaam. You can not force a person to do something he does not want to do. If he wants to be in a polgamist marriage then there is nothing you can do to stop him. He is giving you the wrong answer when he said that Allah has given him the right to marry more than one wife. Those rights are for men who can support their wives and treat them equally, and not cause them oppression etc. Is your husband disabled and that is why he is not working? if not then why would you support a husband for five years and allow him not to work? You know if you are getting disapproval from Allah. You said yourself that you are a great wife and your husband has supported your statement. So why would you feel like you will get betrayed by Allah? Do you mean that if you ask for divorce? First if you want a divorce it is not obligatory to have the husband to grant one for you. You dont have to accept your husband marrying another wife. Not all women can handle that situation. I really think that most women will agree with it if they feel like their security is not compromised. If the guy showed her that he will treat her equally and be an excellent husband to her along with the other wife. So he has not worked for five years? So therefore he has not fulfilled his obligations to you as a husband. So therefore, he can not take another wife. A man needs to be able to provide for his wife. Not everyone will have a job. The economy has changed so much. But you know if your husband is being lazy or he just can not find a job. Would you feel betrayed if he worked and provided for you but still took another wife? What do you want to do? I am sorry that you are hurting. Ask Allah to guide you and give you the strength to follow HIS will. What you experience in life could be a huge blessing for you in disguise. Read quran thoroughly so that you will know your rights as a woman and his rights as a husband. you can try to go to couseling with him with an imam at your local masjid. I do think that you should contact someone in his family who he respects so much and tell that person about your frustration. I hope that in this process you are taking great care of yourself and trying to just let Allah help you make the best decision for you. |
Posted By: Avandie17
Date Posted: 18 September 2014 at 12:53pm
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Salaam Alaykum and thank you for your response. I feel like I need to elaborate on a few things in regards to my husband. My husband haven't worked for the last five years because he was a full time student and I felt like supporting him while he attends school was okay because it would benefit us as a family in the long run. Now that's he's finished, he's ready to move forward with this other woman. She's now posting pictures of them together on facebook, referring to him as her husband. I asked him if they were married, and he said no, not yet.
I'm still struggling with this as I don't want the frowns from Allah and I've worked too hard to be a good muslimah. I'm just confused about this processed as I'm new to islam and I only want to do what's right. I just feel deep in my heart that this is wrong. I love my husband very much and I want my family, but my husband has hurt me deeply and I don't know what to do. I have been praying to Allah to help me make the right decision in this matter. I just wanted to reach out and get some one else's point of view on this.
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Posted By: awan_angel
Date Posted: 19 October 2014 at 4:38am
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Salam, sister, How are you? I wish you doing well. Polygami issue is the hardest amongst married women. So few of them accepted this matter but many don't agree. Based on your explanation that your husband was a full time student, would it be rude for me to ask whether you are older than your husband? If so, that's alright. Many of my friends also married to younger men and they're happy. I think Lady's suggestion is good. You should go to your relatives you respect and can be trust to see about this matter. Also you can get an advice from Imam or ustadz closer to your home. If your husband insist in marrying this girl, the decision is up to you though. But just don't make any decision when you're angry and in desperate situation, the result would not be good. Wassalam, |
Posted By: Avandie17
Date Posted: 23 October 2014 at 1:48pm
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Salaam Alaykum Sister:
Thank you for your response to my situation. One sister asked me if my husband was younger that I am and why am I supporting him. First of all, no, I'm not older than my husband. We decided together as a couple that he would go back to school and that I would work and support us while he pursue his degree. I felt there's nothing wrong with me supporting us as it would benefits me and our family in the long run.
No, having said that, I must update on the situation. My husband has stopped seeing the sister. He said she didn't know how to be a co-wife. I'm not sure what that means, and don't want to know. All I know is my husband is back home with us and we're doing fine. We're working on our marriage and we just celebrated our 6 years of marriage, alhumduallah!
I would like to continue this forum as I know a lot of women struggles with this issue.
Again, thank you for your advise and most of all, reaching out. |
Posted By: awan_angel
Date Posted: 25 October 2014 at 12:20am
Assalamualaykum,, Alhamdulillaah,, Praise to Allah now you just celebrate your 6years marriage. Congratulation. |
Avandie17 wrote:Posted By: Gonto1017
Date Posted: 24 April 2015 at 10:43am
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As Salaam Alaykum Sister: I have a new update on my situation. My husband and I have decided to get a divorce. He has continued to see the other woman, after telling me he stopped seeing her. He's continued, and I decided that I could no longer remain in the marriage. I probably would have been open to the idea, if he was taking care of me like a husband supposed to, but he wasn't and therefore, I decided to beg Allah for forgiveness and move out.
Now that I have moved out, he's now bad mouthing me around town to family and friends. His behavior isn't very Islamic and he's acting bitter. I just could no longer continue to support a man who wants to be with other women. Am I wrong for moving out? Please advise as I need some advise.
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Posted By: zliya
Date Posted: 28 June 2015 at 3:40pm
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Salams sister,
Only Allah knows if what you did was right or wrong, but personally I believe what you did was right. Because from two things I have noticed due to your story. One. It didn't seem like your husband was giving any time to you. This is important between a man and his wife in order to maintain a relationship. The Prophet Muhammed (Peace be upon him) always gave his nine wives time with him everyday no matter how busy he was. He always listened to what his wives had to say. And he was and still is the busiest man alive because his responsibilities are greater than ours. But yet he made time for his wives. If no time is given, the relationship will eventually break apart. Two. It seems like your husband was hurting you emotionally and didn't care about your feelings. Any type of hurt inflicted by others is haraam. Hence, what your husband did was haraam. He should have again given you time and listened to your problems and tried to understand where you were coming from and vice-versa. I am not entirely sure if your departure was good or not but it seems reasonable. Specially when he is talking badly about you after you left him. No husband should ever do that to his wife. His idea of polygamy is wrong as well. Since you tried and could not change him, leaving him would have been a better option. I hope your future shines brighter insha allah. Best of luck sister. |