Family Matter - Confused about divorce

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Confused about divorce

Printed From: IslamiCity.org
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Description: Discuss Family Issues
URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=32578
Printed Date: 22 November 2024 at 6:03am
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Topic: Confused about divorce

Posted By: Momof2
Subject: Confused about divorce
Date Posted: 12 December 2014 at 7:25pm

Thanks everyone - I have decided to resolve this issue with friends and family involved.

Jazakallah!

Replies:

Posted By: Abu Loren
Date Posted: 13 December 2014 at 2:16am

Momof2 wrote:

Salams -

Our marriage has been rocky from the beginning. I was more religious than him even though I was raised in the US and he in India.

Wa Alaykum Asalaam

Sadly there are millions of couples in this situation. It is like a culture clash. Let me explain. When a person wo is brought up in the West marries a person from 'back home' then there are many, many problems. The obvious one is the different outlook on life from the two different cultures. For example, men in general, tend to like to take control in all matters of marriage and family life. Most men like to control, it's in their blood.

Then when a person who comes to the West to settle after the marriage they feel inferior because they don't know the way of life there and the other person has to 'teach' them everything in how to settle down etc. Then there is the work situation, some times it may take a long time for them to find a job and whilst they are looking it could be that the wife is supporting him and this may also hurt his ego. So he might try to take control in other ways, by trying to be dominant in the home.

Momof2 wrote:

We have dealt with lots of issues:
- He made me take off my hijab because he didn't like it. Sadly I chose to listen to him until last year when I put it back on even though he hates it.

It looks like to me that he has even problems with his deen. No true Muslim will ask his wife to take off the hijab as it is a command from Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala to all believing women to cover up. He should be proud that his wife is covered from the leering glances of strange men and she has saved herself only for him.

Momof2 wrote:

- He hates my family here as he has no one in the US from his direct family. I think he feels jealous. I have asked him rep
eatedly to file immigration for his mom and brothers but he doesn't want to. He doesn't visit my family and always tries to stop me from attending family functions and even visiting.
My mom took care of our kids when they were young and I was working full time. Now that they are older and can stay home alone - he doesn't see why they have to visit my mom - not even once a week - we only live 10 min away.
It has come to a point now that my family won't visit our home to maintain peace in my life.

Jealousy is an emotion from the devil. The Prophet (SalAllahu Alayhi Wa Salaam) tells us in a Hadith that whomsoever breaks the ties of kinship shall never taste the scent of Paradise.

Momof2 wrote:

- He broke me apart from my friends and cousins. He hates it if I talk to anyone else in front of him.
- his anger is getting out of control. He had hit me once 6 years ago for which I forgave him. But now he repeatedly threatens to hit me or divorce me for small arguments, even in front of the kids.
He repeatedly calls or texts my mom when we fight so he can involve and hurt her. I don't tell anyone else about our fights - he does that.

Either he is not happy with you as a wife or he is not happy in the marriage for whatever reasons only known to himself. He seems to be a very immature individual which I can identify with as it is one of the ugly traits of people from the Indian Sub-Continent.

Momof2 wrote:

Despite all that he is close to the kids and I am thinking twice only for them.

Herein lies the real dilemma. Do you stay in the marriage for the sake of the children and be unhappy or do you move on and find a man who can look after you and the children and all concerned will be happy.

Then again whatever one says about a situation like this it is not easy for anybody to leave a spouse with whom they have been involved with for more than sixteen years.

Momof2 wrote:

But now it's affecting my health. I am having anxiety and weight problems out of fear for his anger.
I also want to set better examples for our children. It affects them a lot when we fight and I don't want them to follow his footsteps.

Money is not a problem - we make same amount of money Alhamdullilah... And I have a lot of emotional support from my family.

I am only thinking twice for the kids... But I don't know how long I can stay in such a toxic environment....

I have even started talking to an Islamic counselor... She suggests marriage counseling for his anger but he refuses to come because he doesn't think anything is wrong with him....

Everybody has the right to be happy. Some marriages work out after seeking professional help and some spiral into more difficulty.

I urge you to pray the Istikhara prayer and seek help from Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala.

Divorce is a Mercy from Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala so that men and women do not have to suffer in silence.

Allahu Alum!

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La Ilaha IllAllah

Posted By: Momof2
Date Posted: 13 December 2014 at 6:42am

Thanks for all your help.

Posted By: lady
Date Posted: 14 December 2014 at 5:21am

You have one life to live on this earth. And surely you deserve respect and happiness from your spouse. You really need to realize that your son and your daughter are watching you. Your son may think that this is the proper way to treat his future wife. Even if you tell him differently, a lot of people copy things that they see instead of what they are told to do. Your daughter may turn out to be like you and marry a guy who is abusive because for her this is a normal marriage. It is your obligation to protect your and your children's health. If you decide to stay in your marriage, then you need to take responsibility of knowing that you are agreeing to be unhappy. It is not easy to get a divorced but it is allowed in islam. And you have Islamic reasons to divorce him.

PS: please don't assume that American muslims could not be more religious than foreign muslims. If you meet an American who is striving to be a practicing muslim then I will tell you that most of the time, their behaviors are more connected to the true practices of the Islamic faith than someone who was born in an Islamic culture or was born muslim from overseas.

Posted By: Abu Loren
Date Posted: 14 December 2014 at 9:55am

Salaam

Yes only Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala can help you in times of need.

I believe that divorce is NOT a bad thing as it is allowed in Islam.

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La Ilaha IllAllah

Posted By: Anne Saxton
Date Posted: 29 May 2015 at 8:41am

I think its mainly due to the clash of two different thinking.You have been brought up in west and married to a man who has his own culture.But i really dont understand why cant he respect your culture.As far as your divorce is concerned, i dont think you should think about it unless you are pretty sure.You see most of the times when people go through divorce and separation, it is not easy for couple as well as kids, they suffer most.S before going to http://https://plus.google.com/101041975880321802603 - family law lawyer , think about it and try to solve your matter at home.