Please give me advice! Marriage, Love
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Topic: Please give me advice! Marriage, Love
Posted By: MonaM
Subject: Please give me advice! Marriage, Love
Date Posted: 07 February 2015 at 10:15am
Alsalamo Alaykum,
My name is Mona, I need islamic advice please!
I live in Cairo, Egypt, an Islamic country, so things around me is not as open as people living in the west. I am 18 years old and in my first year of university. In my last year of high school me and a guy friend of mine, who was in my school, got very close, he helped me get closer to Allah, he kept on reminding me of prayers and taught me surahs in the Quran, and every day he'd tell me a story of prophets or explain a Hadith etc... He helped get through so much and helped me grow. We started liking each other, and he told me that he feels that he loves me but at first I told him I don't want to get in any relationships again (as I was in a relationship a long time ago that I regret), so we agreed to just talk and stay friends. Everything was normal, I introduced him to my sister, my grandma, my mother, my father and even my uncle. He even came over at home several times (me, him and a couple of other girl friends of mine had an arabic lesson to take at home; a tutor), my dad and my grandma were home, and we even all had lunch together at home. My parents trust me so much, and I share everything with them, they know everyone I know. We had lunch before at a restaurant me, him and my dad. He also told his parents about me, and when I saw them in our high school graduation I said hi.
We're considered to be in a relationship (but the definition of a relationship is not the same as abroad, as in: we don't hug, kiss or hold hands) for now, we talk to each other about university, sports, deen etc.. we don't do anything in private as in I'm not hiding anything from my family, as I mentioned, they all know him. We still know it's haram to be in relationship and talk or event develop a friendship with the opposite gender, and we've agreed to stop talking several times, until we're old enough to get married, and we managed to do that a couple of times but we always end up talking again. We both have the intentions of getting married, the only problem is that we are too young, we are both 18, and still in the first year of university, we can't even get engaged or anything now, our parents won't let us, as we're still too young, so this is not an option for now.
If we stop talking at all, but we meet up every month or something with a Mehrem of mine: my dad, grandpa or uncle for example, would it still be haram? I don't want to be in a haram relationship with him but at the same time I don't want to cut ties with him completely for all these years until we're old enough to get married which most probably won't be before 4-5 years from now.
What do you suggest that we do? Is there any way that we can talk to each other for these years in an Islamic way or a way that won't make it haram? What do you think of the idea I said, do you think its a good or bad idea? If you have any other thoughts please tell me.
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Replies:
Posted By: Nausheen
Date Posted: 08 February 2015 at 10:33pm
Dear Mona M,
Walaikum assalam wa rahamtullah,
There is word which got lost from our vocabulary sometime ago.
Its 'courtship'. Courtship is not the same as a relationship in the west.
You are having courtship with this guy. He is a good friend, a good muslim, your family knows him - they trust you and you are a godfearing Muslimsah.
The problem with the western culture is that people cannot keep their relationships to the level of courtship till they get married - the temptations run high. If you and your friend can keep it there and do not cross the line (islamically), - I think young men and women in our community need to know each other this way before they get married.
I will try to get you some articles in this regard. meanwhile if you like, you can ask this question to a scholar.
My adivce to you is - keep him at a safe distance, but do not shut him out completely. You will not be able to do it if your emotions are already engaged. When meeting him always do so in a public place or in presence of a third person, and inshAllah you two will be fine :)
Good lick!
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<font color=purple>Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena
wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.[/COLOR]
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Posted By: Nausheen
Date Posted: 08 February 2015 at 10:55pm
Check this:
http://mentalhealth4muslims.com/2010/11/26/lets-talk-about-dating/#&panel1-8
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<font color=purple>Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena
wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.[/COLOR]
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Posted By: mami
Date Posted: 10 March 2015 at 7:52am
Life is full of experiences and deeds. I suggest you concentrate on what matters most. Hanging around with someone or activity which has no definite meanings is a waste of time and thought.
Goodness sake, you are only 18, he is about the first good person you meet so far in your life. Surely, you will meet many more people you would admire, young and old, female or male, of different religion, etc. We admire people who have good character, their actions inspire others, etc. All these will help you to build your own characteristic of what a person you want to be.
Let him focus on his life, and his future and you do your own life. Don't insert Maggie mee drama in your life. Eat together, sit together, father, grandfather, who cares! That is not a clue that you are compatible together forever.
A couple is about two person sharing two different lifestyle together. I made a mistake of marrying someone who has totally different value and habits, got into a silly marriage. I lost focus to build my life. Don't make such a mistake.
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