MY FATHER HATES MY WIFE
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Forum Name: Family Matter
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URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33045
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Topic: MY FATHER HATES MY WIFE
Posted By: adildh
Subject: MY FATHER HATES MY WIFE
Date Posted: 09 February 2015 at 7:59am
Dear Sir,
I have been married to the daughter of my mother's brother (uncle), since twenty years. I have four kids (three sons and one daughter). My wife is very obedient and served me very well through out all these years.
Although my marriage was totally arranged with the consent of my parents, my parents have never loved my wife or my kids or allowed me to become a good/loyal husband. I am a firm believer of parent's status in Islam and always try to keep my parents happy by constantly meeting them, talking to them, giving money to them but they have always tried to bias me against my wife.
They use various tactics. Sometimes they criticise my wife in her absence, sometimes they use indirect tactics like praising my younger's brother's wife. Sometimes they start back-biting my in-laws, and sometimes they start praising my younger brother's in-laws.
All these discussion/talks result in poisoning my mind against my wife and results in various quarrels, which grow very serious sometimes. My parents have admitted more than once, openly that they hate my wife and consider my marriage to be a "mistake". When I visit my parents along with my wife, some times they would start joking/laughing at my wife, and sometimes my father leaves the room, showing his hatred against her. I have a doubt that this hatred towards my wife, roots, back to the "eastern" hatred of my mother against the mother of my wife.
Sometimes, I try to cool my parents, and try to bridge the gap between my parents and wife, sometimes I try to convince my wife that tolerating harsh treatment from seniors (like parents), is considered good in the Islam. My parents mind has become very rigid and their attitude towards my wife has become intolerable for me. My wife has become sick due to this maltreatment of my parents. My elder son has become very sad/silent, by constantly seeing my parents attitude.
Recently, after two years of unemployment, I have got a job outside the country. Now there is marriage of my young brother, and my job does not allow me to go. My father ordered me to come to this marriage in any case, even if I have to take one day off. This is like a joke, when travelling from one country to another country is considered. My doubt is that one of their real intention might be to again "brain-wash" me against my wife
My question to you is what should I do. I have tried my best to run my marriage life and relations with my parents. My parents always try to spoil my relations with my wife.
It is very difficult to keep your mind clear, when somebody continuously tried to poison your mind. I also want that my God must remain happy with me. I am sure that God has not created me for this constant torture.
Should I stop meeting and talking to my parents, for some time. Will this time gap, bring some better output.
Please advise me in the light of Islam.
Regards
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Replies:
Posted By: Nausheen
Date Posted: 09 February 2015 at 9:16pm
Assalamualakum wa rahamtullah,
I m not a brother, but your question does not sound like one that a sister cannot attempt to respond.
Brother, 20 years of marriage is a pretty long time for spouses to become close friends and soul companions for each-other. They become not just happiness and comfort to each other, rather share every worry and joy also. By now you probably must be knowing full worth of your better-half in your life.
You also understand your parents� nature and treatment towards her.
You cannot change your parents� behavior, however you can strengthen your bond with your wife. Simply by loving her and understanding her misery in the face of what she is put thru within your family. You may comfort her with words and temperament and be compassionate in this situation so she feels secure in your love.
Sometimes men feel small in accepting follies and shortcomings before their wives . But this is your life partner, and the reality is so plain in front of her, that she must be expecting more form you. Her agony above the distress might be that you do not show your support to her, perhaps. And this might be leading to fights between you two.
You may want to sit with her and talk � tell her that your family�s behavior had not been good to her and you regret that � and that you do not have much control over them however, she has YOU beside her. And also, that you cannot leave your parents, simply because they are your parents.
On the side of your parents, please know that although they have a great maqaam in our lives bad akhlaq towards anybofy is not Islamic. Their Akhlaq towards your wife is unislamic. Ill treatment, back-biting and causing discord between any couple is not from the ways of an upright muslim. They are your parents so they deserve your respect and kind treatment. However you do not have to �obey� them in all those demands which may be hurtful to your marital relationship.
Some wise person has rightly said �if you do not find things right around you, change yourself and automatically things will fall in place�
If they just criticize your wife, you do not necessarily have to pay attention. If they ask you do something which you think is improper, either remain silent or be as brief in your response as possible, (like, let me see�, well� - and you need not complete the sentence) but with your wife act only in a waywhich is appropriate.
Since you have moved out of your homeland, the distance will automatically help resolve some issues. You do not have to avoid meeting them altogether. But try to minimize their contact with your wife.
As you have found a job after two years of unemployment, am sure you are wise enough to decide what is in your best interest.
Hope this helps.
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<font color=purple>Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena
wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.[/COLOR]
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Posted By: NABA
Date Posted: 14 February 2015 at 11:07am
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You should meet your parents, as Allah in many places in Quran in ch 46 v15 oordered us to be dutiful towards parents, but at the same time you had to take care of your wife, since you know your parent's mentality you should just listen what they say and wiped it out from your brain, you are not a kid that you can be easily whitewashed,you have to have take care of your wife if you want to plz Allah, Allah in ch 4 v 34 of Quran says men are protectors of their wives.moreover if you want peace of mind read Quran.
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