Converted American issue with Pakistan husband
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Forum Name: Family Matter
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URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33676
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Topic: Converted American issue with Pakistan husband
Posted By: ConvPakWife
Subject: Converted American issue with Pakistan husband
Date Posted: 20 May 2015 at 9:25pm
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First time posting to site and just hoping for insight or even an Imam to give me opinion .
I Am American woman, I was divorced from first marriage in 1995. I have three grown daughters from first marriage. I stayed single and celebate until I met and married my Pakistan husband 10yrs ago. We recently moved to new area and joined the local mosque. I was excited to maybe finally have friends since I have always been too busy to have social connections. But this is where the problem comes in. My husband has decided I'm not to tell anyone of my grown children and I'm not to have their photos hanging up when guest comes to visit.  I also have a grandson who is 5yrs old. He was with us this past January when two families came to our home for dinner. I was not allowed to say he was my grandson so had to lie and tell guest he was my cousins son.
Next issue is that my daughter who is mother to my grandson has not made good decisions with her life. I have done so much for her to try and help out so she could get job and make $$ to take care of her and son. She is unmarried and lives in other people's homes till they decide to kick her out. Her now ex boyfriend wants her and son to move out. No car, no job, no money. She again asked if I would keep grandson for May-August till his school begins. I was ok with having him for 4 months but husband is angry with how she calls him names and is disrespectful to me so refuses to let me have grandson in our home so his mother can go look for job and another place to stay. I'm so upset by his refusal. My upbringing and morals tell me I should go against my husband and go pick up my grandson. But I know he would make me get back in car and make me drive him 3 hrs back to his homeless mother. It was this bad back in February when I took grandson to her and people she stayed with made them stay out in cold garage till nighttime. Also, I am 9 yrs older than my husband. This too he wants to make sure no one knows. My husbands reasoning is that if I tell other people at mosque they will ask questions and look down on him and say things behind our backs about us. I hate lying, and am starting to hold much anger toward my husband and his mother who also agrees with him ( she lives with us 7 months now) Is there anything I can say to convince him we should be doing right by my 5 yr old grandson? Any verse in quaran that I can use to make him see reason? Men's perspective greatly appreciated also...thank you |
Replies:
Posted By: muslimahghuraba
Date Posted: 21 May 2015 at 6:34am
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Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu my dear sister in faith.
Subhanallah sister, did you tell your husband about your children prior to you marrying him? If he was aware of you you having children before you both got married he shouldn't have an issue with it now, even if he did not know he should behave like a real man and allow you to be a mother and a grandmother. Yes, husbands have a great status in Islam but so do children and other relations, you can't blank out your children just because your husband says so. When Allah asks you why you did't fulfil your rights towards them what will you say? Try explaining this to your husband. Also what is your husband implying that it is embarrassing to be married to an older lady? Has he forgotten Khadeejah radiyallahu anha was 40 years old and the prophet slallahu alayhi wa sallam was 25 years old when they got married, a 15 year gap. He should renew his intention for marrying you and add to it that he is following a sunnah by marrying an older woman. no offence sister but your husband needs to grow up, please tell him that. He needs to be more of a man and take responsibility. There are bigger problems in the world like the ummah being slaughtered in every corner of the world and here he is being petty. Everything he is saying is cultural the Pakistani culture not Islam. Tell him that if he is against you looking after your grandchild his mother should also not be living with you guys because Islamically it is your right that provides you a home seperately. Explain to him that you value the relationship with him and his mum therefore you have no issue her staying with you so he should also value the relations that matter to you and allow you to do what is right. may Allah make it easy for you my dear sister. xxx ------------- Ghuraba wa li ghairillaahi laa nahnil jiba Ghuraba do not bow the foreheads to any1 besides Allah Ghuraba war tadhainaa haa syi�aaran lil haya Ghuraba have chosen this to be the motto of life |
Posted By: ConvPakWife
Date Posted: 22 May 2015 at 5:14am
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walaikum assalum muslimahghuruba,
Thank you for having courage to write me and share your insight. When I first met my husband I told him of my children who were teens at that time. He refused to tell his mother who was still living in Pakistan till 5 yrs into marriage. His father died not knowing of my children. My children found this out that his mother didn't know of them and it caused sadness and anger. Since then two of my children have forgiven him. But the one with son has never gotten along with my husband. It is cultural choice he is basing decisions on. Just like not telling his parents about my children because he wanted them to meet me first and base opinions on me in person. I wasn't able to meet them in person due to funds until 7 months ago his mother came to the states. You have given me much to think on, and to be honest I have not read quaran as much as I should have to look for guidance. I will try and find quotes on my rights and rights towards my children. Thank you sister. May Allah bless you, Inshallah |
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 22 May 2015 at 7:24am
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Sister, salaams and welcome! With respect to your children it is inappropriate for your husband to ask that you not mention them, as this is a form of cutting relations with what Allah has joined. (http://islamqa.info/en/4631)
The aspect of keeping your grandson, given that your daughter will likely need to visit during these times, and she has been disrespectful to your husband, in my estimation it is better for your daughter to seek assistance elsewhere. I think your husband has a right to peace and tranquility in his own home. Maybe one of your other older children can assist your daughter. |
Posted By: ConvPakWife
Date Posted: 22 May 2015 at 7:36am
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I agree to keeping peace in home, which is why I have stayed silent for so long, but now my grandson is older and his hardship is more realized.
They live 3hrs away and she having no car has had no way to visit in the past. I did watch grandson this past December 26-Feb.10 due to such cold temperatures and hardship his mother was dealing with. My husband requested i take him back to his mother since we had company coming the following week and couldn't take him on a tour with us. Otherwise I would of kept him till August. When i took him back to his mother she and I had argument on the fact of me bringing him back to bad state of living. I made the mistake of relating her harsh words against my husband and our religion back to him. This is think is real reason he won't let me watch grandson again is due to her disrespect and his pride. Also, I as her mother want to giver her the benefit of trying to find job, home etc. This isn't the first time she has had me watch grandson. Its been many times. She has found a few jobs, but always loses them for whatever reasons and then we start this all over again. My other children can't help her due to living situations they are in. My sister and parents did take her in for short time. She is without a doubt a hard person to live with. Speaks her mind and misunderstands everything we try and tell her. Always confrontational in the past. I have seen some changes for the good in her, but still not enough for family members to take her in. Its not for her but for my grandson that I am trying to find a way to make husband understand that wether its this time or another time that we should always be available to a child. |
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 23 May 2015 at 6:58am
| Indeed it was as mistake to have conveyed her harsh words, however now that the damage has been done, perhaps an apology from your daughter may soften your husband's heart. Maybe she can also promise some financial compensation in the future for the months that her son stays. Also, perhaps you should try to convince your husband's mom. If you can manage to get her onboard likey he will acquiesce. Finally, pray for a good outcome, and we will join with you in asking Allah, Most High, to make this crisis easy. |
Posted By: ConvPakWife
Date Posted: 23 May 2015 at 10:43am
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An apology has been offered by my daughter in past but then another argument erases it. Financially she has never paid back from the past the few times we asked for minimal compensation. My mother In law was very kind to grandson when he was here before, and I have tried already with her to convince but she agrees with my husband in this matter. We have some language barriers but in the end she was of a Pakistan culture thinking than Islamic.
My daughter is now saying that since I cannot make decisions on my own and watch my grandson then she will move wherever and not inform me and I won't see him again for long time. I don't know if she would actually do this but just thinking it breaks my heart to not see him for long time. I will continue to pray for a way to open his heart. In the mean time I find it very hard to not join in conversation with the women from Mosque when they speak of children's experiences or ideas and I must sit quiet and not share my own. My husband doesn't see it as lying but withholding facts. |
Posted By: Abu Loren
Date Posted: 23 May 2015 at 11:30am
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It seems to me that he is ashamed of you and I suspect that he only married you for the green card.
Divorce him then put him and his mother on the first flight back to Pakistan. ------------- La Ilaha IllAllah |
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 23 May 2015 at 9:11pm
Are you able to make monthly financial contributions to your daughter? Even if small amounts, this will ensure that you see her and your grandson, as well as contributing to their well-being. |
ConvPakWife wrote:Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 27 November 2015 at 8:00pm
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Assalam Alaikum,
Its hard to give a clear suggestion as one who is present can decide who is right and wrong (your daughter or husband) First thing there is no Islamic compulsion on your husband to support your children from previous marriage unless it was mentioned in the Marriage contract. There is no need to lie about your children as he married to you knowing that you have 3 children. He cannot cut the ralation of womb as it is a big sin as mentioned in Quran. When Prophet S.A.W Married Umm Salama, she kept conditions before Nikah. she said I am a ver self respected lady and this may be dislike by you second she has children from her previous marraige. Prophet replied he will pray that her self respect does not come in between his relation with her and about her children he said he will consider them as his own children. And she accepted his Proposal So you may give these example but cannot force him to accept their responsibility. |
Posted By: ConvPakWife
Date Posted: 12 December 2015 at 4:44pm
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Greetings and thank you all for your replies.
Update on situation is that although everyone from mosque still does not know I have grown daughters, my husband is at a level of acceptance. We recently hosted Thanksgiving dinner and all three of my daughters and parents came. He was sociable to my daughter who he had previous problem with. She and my grandson even spent the night and Eveything went very well. My daughter is still in bad situation of living with other people. She still associates with people who are not the best morals. I cannot change that but only give her advice. My daughter has become calmer since that stressful time which makes being around her less confrontational. I cannot do anything to help her financially since my husband works with the cash flow in home. I'm sure my husband isn't just with me for the greencard. It's been 10 yrs and he hasn't left me yet even though he makes enough money to leave me a few years ago. I know my husband may sound like a bad man but he is not. He just chooses who in our local area doesn't get to know facts about my past. when I first came to this site I was under stress and was fearful for my grandson. Things have a way of balancing out. I can only pray that in time things get righted. I know I will lose some acquaintances at mosque if and when they find out about my children. I will accept it and hope for the best. Inshallah Thank you again all for your insight and wisdom |
Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 16 December 2015 at 6:44pm
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Asslama Alikum,
My suggestion to you is, try to bring your children to Islam, its a beautiful way of living. Work on your grandchild to bring him close to Islam. I think this way peace will be there in their hearts. Regards, Faisal |