Help, dont know what to do!
Printed From: IslamiCity.org
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Description: Discuss Family Issues
URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=34211
Printed Date: 22 November 2024 at 8:29am
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Topic: Help, dont know what to do!
Posted By: NaeemB
Subject: Help, dont know what to do!
Date Posted: 29 July 2015 at 4:18pm
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Hello, basically I'm an 18 year old Pakistani boy from London and recently my father spoke to me about marriage, telling me that I HAVE to get married to my cousin in Pakistan when I finish University.
I politely declined the offer and told him that I'm not interested in marrying from Pakistan due to the cultural differences, as I was born and raised in London, along with the fact that cousin marriages can cause babies to be born with recessive genetic disorders. My father immediately got aggressive, and claimed that if I do not listen to him and marry his niece, he does not consider me his son and I should leave the house. Being an only child, my father thinks that I will marry someone from the UK who is westernised, and if I marry from my choice, I will leave my parents behind which I don't intend on doing. Where I'm from in Pakistan, everyone marries their cousin unless there is no one in the family. I've spoken to my cousin a few times but I am certain I don't want to marry her. My father tries to emotionally and religiously blackmail me into agreeing to the marriage by saying things like 'we've raised you all that time for you to disobey us, why did we even bother making sacrifices for you?' and says that if I marry from the UK, my children will turn out unislamic. My mother is more understanding and sticks up for me, but my father doesn't take none of it. Whenever I tell him that forcing marriage upon someone is a sin, he curses me and criticising me by pointing out my faults as a muslim (missing salah occasionally), and says I don't follow islam there so why should he here? He also says that he will NEVER go to another household to ask for my hand in marriage or give his blessing. I have no idea what to do. If I don't marry my cousin, my father will kick me out the house and told me how I have no family to turn to. That same day, I heard him crying really loudly in his room, and my mother comforting him. I think if I don't marry my cousin, my dads family will cut off ties with him, and there will be a lot of arguments and possibly more! I'm in the middle of a big dilemma... do I abandon my happiness for my fathers, or do I marry her just to keep the peace? Her family really want her to marry me due to me being quite sensible and good in education. I have a few days until I confirm my decision http://www.islamicity.com/forum/smileys/smiley19.gif PLEASE HELP   
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Replies:
Posted By: Abu Loren
Date Posted: 30 July 2015 at 3:44am
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Marrying your cousin is allowed in Islam.
I feel for you as nobody should force them to marry anybody they don't like or want to. ------------- La Ilaha IllAllah |
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 30 July 2015 at 10:25am
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With respect to genetic disorders as long as your mom isn't your dad's first cousin I think you have little to worry about concerning disorders, and even if she is, proper screening and counseling will help avoid the remote possibly of genetic disorders.
Perhaps you should say words of comfort to your dad, such as, 'indeed I am young and lacking experience and certainly you have my best interests in mind.' 'Forgive me, but allow me to now concentrate on my education and grow in maturity.' Tell him that you are sure that by the end of your studies that your feelings towards your cousin may significantly change, and if she hasn't married anyone else by that time - you will make a firm istikhara (asking for Allah's guidance) and make you decision, which in large part will include his wishes. Who knows, perhaps at that time you may desire her, and if not, don't marry her. At least for now you avoid a family crisis - hopefully. Lastly, keep in mind that we are pretty much, with social media/internet, living in a global village, and just because she wasn't raised in London, doesn't necessarily mean a wide cultural difference. |
Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 27 November 2015 at 2:37pm
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Assalam Alaikum,
I agree with Abu Aisha that we live in a global Village. Dont think if you marry a Pakistani girl you will marry someone from a different world. Pakistani girls are really beautiful and I think you will not regret, You may suggest your father that you need an educated life partner so postpone this for atleast 4 years and in the mean time you and your cousin will complete your studies. I think by that time situations will change. May Allah help you in this difficult time. |
Posted By: Salmanc
Date Posted: 14 December 2015 at 7:38am
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Your father really has no right to pressure you into marrying anyone. He should be providing guidance to you based on what is the probability of things working out between you and a girl that either you present or they present.
There are lots of factors that parents look at - compatibility of staying with you, a girl that will stay with you through thick and thin no matter what happens and someone who is correct in character. However, sometimes they get it wrong - for example they might not look at a person from an islamic perspective, which causes problems later on if you are practicing yourself and you wanted your wife to be practicing. Pakistani girls can be really nice, but it all depends on how you get on with her (not her location) and whether you feel she has something you can work with. To be honest, at 18 and from your post you may not be ready for marriage regardless and this needs addressing before anything else. |
Posted By: Tim the plumber
Date Posted: 15 December 2015 at 9:54am
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Marrying your cousin is a very bad idea. Children born to such unions are at a very high risk of birth defects. The mornal chance of less than 2% of serrious trouble is vastly increased. Especially when your cousin is already more closely related than just being your cousin. Try finding suitable information to show him, leave him to read it himself, nobody like to be told stuff they should already know, and let him change gradually. Postpone the confrontation. When you are 20 and confident he will look at a man in front of him not a boy. Good luck. |