Disobedience
Printed From: IslamiCity.org
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Description: Discuss Family Issues
URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=38418
Printed Date: 22 November 2024 at 12:16am
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Topic: Disobedience
Posted By: BrightLight
Subject: Disobedience
Date Posted: 24 October 2016 at 12:22am
Assalamu Aleikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu, i would like some advise about how to deal with a child (he is 9 years old) adopted after he spent a year in a home care, after he was slapped because he was doing reprehensible things. Now (after three years) the kid disobeys to everything we say, also to the islamic teachings; he steals other classmates and other in the school, but we did not say anything to the teachers; he annoys family members and the neighbours, breaking things, telling lies and making fun of them. He knows that we cannot punish him and he does what he wants. Every time he shows he is not ashamed, we tried to teach him taqwa and what's wrong and right but he does not listen to anything. The worst thing is he shows to other people he's the victim and that he didn't anything wrong. When we talk about Islam he does not care. Astaghfirullah. We know he needs help. Some say to leave him doing what he wants, but in Islam we must show that his behaviour is not correct (but he does not listen). Other say to bring him to the home care, but there aren't muslims. Which are the best things to do and the Best Duas? Thank you
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Replies:
Posted By: asep48garut60
Date Posted: 25 October 2016 at 1:46pm
Wa�alaikum salaam,
As we know that every person has gene offspring of parents, however, it could be better if you are not desperate to provide education and give examples of good behavior for him.
Don�t make harsh punishment to him because he doesn't know much about good and bad deeds, in this case, you should be more patient in educating him.
The best things you have to do, including:
Give an example of good behavior in front of him.
Give sense to him about the good and bad deeds.
Give extra attention to him, otherwise it�ll be a danger to others even to himself.
There is a prayer in the Quran (25): 74, the prayer for our own children not for an adoption child, but there�s another way that you can do, pray to Allah for him to be good child, and also pray on last prostration in shalat/shalah. Insha Allah.
I pray to Allah, hoping that he becomes a good child. Ameen.
Wassalaam,
Asep
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Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 26 October 2016 at 8:25am
Salaams, and welcome. You can't punish him using corporal means, however certainly you can discipline him through other means such as loss of privileges. Also feel free to shower him with praise when he does act appropriately and reward him generously. The web has many parenting sites for example: (discipline without disrespecting).
http://grandmajeddah.blogspot.com/
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Posted By: BrightLight
Date Posted: 26 October 2016 at 1:15pm
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Thank you Very much, Allah bless you; I'll try to read the book about discipline without disrespecting. I find it difficult that there isn't a balance, when we show kindness to him he interprets it as he can do whathever he wants without respect and making fun of our relationships in family and he becomes arrogant in speech and behaviour; when we say that he wronged something or someone he does not accept and he goes literally against us, provoking, Astaghfirullah, in this case we say to the child to go to his bedroom in order to stop the situation, but he enters the room and breaks stuff. When we make examples he does not care, he looks and he says yes, ok and continues soon after doing bad things, there's a problem of communication , when we talk kindly or fermly it does not matter because he does not want to listen or to talk with us or just watch or sit with us, when we say to him to sit with us and stay together he becomes rigid, he makes noise in everything, his behaviour go worst, we ignore all this but he continues for hours or days or weeks, it's a strange situation... Now we cannot say anything to him, that can stop him, when we do, things go worst, he continues unless we get angry; is it better not saying anything to the child when he does bad things and wait that time and our presence and behaviour between us help him? We cannot punish him in any way, we can only talk with him but it does not work so we can just ignore and be patient
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Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 28 October 2016 at 8:33am
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Allah help you; there is a fundamental difference between punishment and discipline. Punishment is often when the parent or guardian is angry and seek to hurt the child as a result. Whereas discipline seeks to teach appropriate behavior. Given what this child must have gone through early on it is little wonder that he is angry. I suggest you do your best to educate yourself on how to effectively deal with him without allowing yourselves to descend into childish power struggles. Forget about punishment and concentrate your efforts on discipline and setting firm and consistent limits. And it is to Allah we give thanks and praise. Make plenty of dua!
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Posted By: BrightLight
Date Posted: 31 October 2016 at 6:46am
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Thank you very much, i intend punishment as not letting him playing games or watching TV, when he does not respect other people, but his behaviour becomes worst and so we don't do anything. I hope to improve reading the book about disciplibe. Surely we don't want to hurt him, but he does with others, but we don't know how to stop him except saying to him he should not do it and telling him to sit on a chair and say sorry, but it does not work. The problem now is that also one of the family's children started stealing and behaving like him, maybe because he sees that we are in a difficolt situation. The kid adopted now steals and writes on papers stuff of other people we don't know, about their works, money they earn, and that he wants to be better, isn't it serious? Surely we have to make duas for the child adopted and also for the other children.
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Posted By: BrightLight
Date Posted: 05 December 2016 at 11:09pm
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Assalamu Aleikum, I'm sorry for the long posts. The situation now is worst: the child tried to escape from the bus school, he stole 120 euros and tried to go to the police, telling that all the family's members punished him by corporal means, that is not true.The child told us he has done so because he wants do be indepedent. I read a lot of articles children who were educated by corporal means trie to be punished the same way by the adopting parents, but if they are not able they try to escape or to hurt people outside the family. I also read that the social service assistant do not do anything to improve the situation but says all the family memebers must go to the psychologist, not resolving the condition for years. Now one child of the family tried also to escape not standing the situation, and the service assistant says that the child has to go to a family care to be educated, but it is not reasonable, if the adopted children is the problem and they do not want to educate him. Now many people we knew do not want to talk with us after the child stole the things. The child is not adopted but in custody, he told the first time to the assistant he wanted to live with us, but now the child says he do not want, because he has to follow rules, as not stealing others. In Islam such situation is tollerable if you take a child against his will and if he hurts others and says lies to others against the family who wanted to adopt? We also discovered he went in other families in which many problems emerged in the sons and daughters beacuse of his behaviour, but the assistant do not want to talk about this.
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Posted By: asep48garut60
Date Posted: 07 December 2016 at 8:39pm
Wa�alaikum salaam,
I'm so sorry about what happened to you, this is a life's trials for you and Islam are not allowed to follow all the desires of children, especially as he is still a child.
Try to consult with the foundation where you adopt him, whether the behavior is the same as when he was at the foundation? Who knows it's different.
Try talking to him and asked nicely why do things like that? give him a description of the consequences of bad behavior and so on.
Then keep praying to God because who can change the hearts and minds of humans and it can not be separated from the power and permission of Allah.
Hopefully this can help you, and I participate in praying that he will be a good child. Amiin.
Wassalaam,
Asep
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Posted By: BrightLight
Date Posted: 08 December 2016 at 6:01am
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We are in a test period, unless the child and the family say yes to the adoption. The child has strange ideas about society, he thinks he can steal everything, because the assistant protect him, now the child do not want to give 50 left euros and the assistant do not want to help about this, we are not in economical condition we can give the money he steals... and it is not correct, how to educate the child if we pay the money he takes, he could do it other times... we told many times he should not do these things, we give him attention, we say he's clever and should help others, but he does the contrary we say and now he's happy because he thinks he can go in the family care with 50 euros... in the family we are in a state of confusion, we cannot understand why he does this, when we ask he says because he wants. In other families he went, the sons went to the psychologist because of the kid's behaviour of stealing stuff in the family and leaving it at school or in other places, to annoy for several hours in more weeks also in the night and to make conflict in the parents, neighbours or people they know, the same things he does now with us, but we did not know anything about this and for more than two years we did not say anything to other people of his behaviour, but now he involved other people... At the foundation he had the same behaviour, but the assistant tries to cover the fact. The child now do not want absolutely to stay with us, is it a sin if they take him because of his will, that is not reasonable because he wants to take the money?
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Posted By: asep48garut60
Date Posted: 08 December 2016 at 10:43pm
Have you ever consulted with a psychologist ?, what's his/her advice?
Then what is the reason he doesn't want to stay with you now? and you don't have to worry about sin, as long as you continue to strive for the good of the child and your family. In addition, please don't forget to pray to Allah, because people can only try and pray, and Allah Almighty Determining.
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Posted By: DavidC
Date Posted: 09 December 2016 at 12:36pm
Not an Islamic opinion, but I have worked with many such situations.
Many children would be happy to be raised in a pious, Islamic environment. There are also many children so damaged that they will end up in prison or even worse, no matter what.
Every parent learns they can only guide their children. They cannot control them.
Since this is a trial period, make sure your strengths align with the desires of the child. Jesus had two famous sayings: "Do not try to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear", and "Do not cast your pearls before swine".
There is a child waiting who fits your family well. God has a plan for this incalcitrant child, but perhaps your returning him to the foundation is the guidance he needs. Do not deny a more promising child by wasting effort on one who is unworthy.
Adopting a child is more difficult than marriage! Be careful in matchmaking for mutual benefit. This child is who will care for you in your declining years.
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Christian; Wesleyan M.Div.
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