Very unhappy in marriage need help
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Forum Name: Family Matter
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URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=42927
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Topic: Very unhappy in marriage need help
Posted By: Pk1990
Subject: Very unhappy in marriage need help
Date Posted: 10 July 2018 at 11:17pm
Asalam walaikum, I am new to this site it is the first time that I am posting on a forum. I need help and guidance on how I can overcome my issues. I got married when I was 18 to a man that I had choosen, my parent and family didn’t agree at the time but then they finally agreed , so we got married long story short we moved in to his uncles place within a few weeks argument started to rise with his parents back home which left them without money so my husband wasn’t working at the time so he asked me for money I gave it .which one thing lead to another his uncle kept my wedding jewellery and found out that my husband had given my money to them it all got out of hand we left the house on bad terms this was not even a month of getting married.
We were happily married for the first few months I then fell pregnant alhamdulillah a few months in to pregnancy I felt so uncomfortable with myself I was get big everything felt repulsive I pushed my husband away and would not let him have intercourse he kept telling me that he’s gunna do something st**id. One night we were having intercourse , he left the room and a message on his phone with a kiss at the end of message when he came back to the room I asked him who is this he said it was just one of his mates, few months along the line I started realising late phone calls him not coming home alllways out he even took money from me said it was for his uncle when it was for him and her to go shopping I saw the receipts later on . I then finally realised he was cheating on I tried stopping him so many times. He still did not admit to me he was having an affair. I gave birth to a beautiful little girl he was hardly in the room he kept going out to make calls. . A few days later after daughter was born , I wanted to know if he was really cheating on my so I took the number off his phone and I called her with my phone i didn’t tell her my name I gave one of his ex girlfriends name she was happily talking to me and telling me everything about him and her until I couldn’t take it anymore I got so much rage I stormed into the room where my husband was sleeping and I told him to speak to her the girl he left me for. I told him to leave he said he would Kill himself he manipulated me in staying with him. Few months later I was so miserable I started taking depression pills and suffered from panic attacks, when ever he left the house.
It going on to 10 years of marriage now and he has changed a lot and started praying I am pleased with him but even then a lot has happened in those ten years his family kept calling me a theif that I got my wedding jewellery, his family has humiliated me so many times , his mother said hurtful things about me not being able to conceive for her son to remarry , my husband is never at home all ways at work to provide for his parent and brother and sisters back home hardly ever see him not even his own daughter saw him, he never spends on us , doesn’t spend time with us, he always spent on himself because his working he needs clothes, wanted intercourse regularly, always on the phone, he says he can’t make time for us he can’t even relax and I see that he is working night and day to provide for his family not for us and I do feel sorry for him he doesn’t get to spend on himself just when he needs to, that’s why I’ve stepped up with the benefits I claim I use that money to support us I’ve been doing it for years I ask him for money when I struggle but yet he never gives it says he doesn’t have any money when he’s got money stashed up. I have been getting ill day by day my health is really bad my depression has gone high with emotional breakdown I have urges to kill myself but with allahs guide I am trying to be strong knowing one day it’s all going to be better , I’ve never felt loved by him or cared for he has always made me feel bad aboutmyself , he never spends on me yet we have intercourse , he always get angry and he either breaks something or he hits me abusively, we argue a lot , I don’t ask for anything the things I do want I don’t get,we don’t go on holidays , or buy me gifts, he doesn’t respect me, always working never see him(works as a mini cab driver)( there are aspects of his jobs I don’t like where he has got these private customers which are prostitutes or something the thought them dressing in tight revealing clothes really upsets me, I’ve seen their profile pictures on his phone when they message him . They call him “ baby” every time I’m jealous and hurt at the same time ,he drives them around night or day when ever they need him he goes running I have confronted him about them that I don’t want him to work for them he cares more about money than my feelings and it’s always been like this what ever the case)
now he’s got a business and started going to university we don’t see him as it is yet he puts more things into his life, I can’t take it anymore this marriage was already failed from the beginning the only reason we are still together was the sake of my daughter . I have always loved him, taken care of him, kept Home nice and clean, cooking for him, have intercourse when ever he needs, support him financially so he doesn’t stress , even made sacrifices when we hardly had any money or food I would not eat for a few days just so that my husband and daughter can eat,I have raised his daughter single handidly without any Financial support , I have suffered from humiliation, he has cheated on me he has destroyed me yet I have been faithful and most of all I have tried my best to be a good wife I know I may nag him sometimes but that’s only because I need him by my side rather than always being out. I’m not a hurtful person I would never hurt anyone , be as kind as possible, money is not more important than happiness I buy him things he needs, i do things from the goodness of my heart, one thing I do regret is I was angry at allah for this life and How I have been treated and I know I was wrong for doing that now all I need is allah and his guidance to get me through this terrible time. I can never forgive my husband for everything he has done all the hurt he has caused me, yet I am still with him, he can see I am so unhappy that I cry day and night I cry myself to sleep so unhappy in this marriage yet he doesn’t care and won’t give me a divorce. He makes me feel like I have no right over him, no right over his money, no right on his love or care for me . He keeps blaming me that everything is my fault, deep down I know that I blame myself everyday that if I didn’t push him away he would have never cheated on me but what could I do I was pregnant rather than being a husband and caring for his pregnant wife he cared more about his urges for sex so he left me for another girl. I am on a high dose for depression I have some good days others are so bad I overdose, I just want this feeing to stop I just want to be happy.
It’s not always so bad there are days were we get along and he makes me smile, we’ve had our ups and downs but all those years I was hurt I still am even now the fact that he cheated on me and yet I am more miserable than ever, he has been wanting another child now I can’t give him another child I have fertility issues as well as my health is really bad, even with my health being this bad I have tried my best to be a good wife and good mother, I do these things so that my husband is pleased with me and it doesn’t give him a chance to complain yet he does complain and most of all that allah to be pleased with me.things i am having fertility treatments I may need operation but I am having hard time coping and I’m afraid that I will never have a child I need his support so badly with this treatment I am so longing for a baby but afraid of him cheating again. I have tried everything Keep this marriage going but it’s never going to work he will not let us separate he says he can’t live without me, I can’t ever forgive I will keep pushing him away can’t stand to be in the same room as him, he brings out all the bad in me just the same as I do for him, I try not to argue but then things get out of hand. Please give me answers on what should I do . Jazak-allah
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Replies:
Posted By: Dr. Aslam
Date Posted: 12 July 2018 at 12:23pm
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Wa alaikum, Well, it is better to divorce than to live in misery. You are not the one responsible for his behavior. Give him a few months to amend his habits and move away from him.
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Best Regards,
Aslam Abdullah
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Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 13 July 2018 at 6:35am
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You obviously need help to extricate yourself from this abusive relationship. Seek it from your parents, police, doctor, attorney, siblings or abuse hotline, but don't continue like this. Ask yourself; how would I advise my own daughter if she were in such a marriage? Please get help and get out.
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Posted By: Tim the plumber
Date Posted: 13 July 2018 at 2:36pm
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Try Relate relationship mediation; https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/talk-someone?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIw-mih4Sd3AIVxYXVCh1tFAutEAAYASACEgLz-_D_BwE" rel="nofollow - https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/talk-someone?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIw-mih4Sd3AIVxYXVCh1tFAutEAAYASACEgLz-_D_BwE
They have professionals who can help you with all aspects of communication and other help.
Good luck!
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Posted By: hopeforthebest
Date Posted: 24 July 2018 at 1:42am
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I am really sorry to hear about your situation. First of all please go and get yourself tested for STDs. One major cause of infertility is STDs and I would not be surprised if he has given it to you. Please do not expect him to change. If he openly does those things with your knowledge, he has gone way beyond fearing Allah or anyone else.
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