Sad and Angry at my Husband!
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Topic: Sad and Angry at my Husband!
Posted By: Srya
Subject: Sad and Angry at my Husband!
Date Posted: 12 April 2006 at 5:23pm
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When I decided to post my problem I read a few other sister's were also feeling "down in the dumps". So, I did get alot of good advice from their posts. But, it always feels better to get it off of my chest so here goes....
I am having a very hard time lately. I am all the time wanting to cry and when I don't cry I put the fake smile on so nobody will know. But, alone all I want to do is cry and remember my husband. I miss him so much that I feel like I can't breath sometimes. We were not only lovers we were the best of friends; and I miss my best friend. I am overcome with so much grief and feelings of worthlessness that sometimes I feel..... how can I carry on without him? Why worthlessness? Because our whole marriage and when I got to Kuwait he told me how much he loved me and told his family we were "Soul Mates". Now I can't get him to answer my calls or emails and he has backed out on helping me pay our bills we had together here and the bills I occurred because he wanted me to move to Kuwait. Because, he has to pay back the money he borrowed from his brothers to fly me there 3 times last year and fly me out in January. Also, because he has to pay back our living expenses. Which is absurd because he earned every penny of that. Just excuses to make him feel better. I fell torn, used, thrown out replaceable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel so betrayed by him!!! Then I get so angry at him! Poor So and So you tried but it didn't work I can hear them saying it to him now. Let's get him a Pious Arab Wife and things will be all better! Right, I say because all his family does is tear the woman apart. They are jealous of one another. Some lie! These are Muslims? The more I am learning about Islam the more I see how you should not behave.
It didn't work for his family. My sister in law the one that everyone is jealous of because HemdeALLAH she is beautiful and educated called me and told me "Suzie don't go they don't like you, their words are his words, if you go they will have a new wife for him in 1 week, 1 week. Don't let them win the war Suzie don't let them win. He loves you don't let them win. I am just like you. They don't like you Suzie you are Fat, Foreigner, Different! I told my sister in law...I haft to go because I can't win the war without my Solider behind me....They have won. When I left they tore me to pieces with their words. He did to. I know how he is. Because two weeks later I tried to call him after I got back to the States in January. He would not answer. Then two weeks later again I tried to call. He answered to let me know he knew it was me on the other end and hung up the phone. Like and Idiot I called back. He hung up again. Words can never express the mental anguish I went Thur because he had such hate and disgusted in his heart for me.
So, he can feel better about what he has done. He has allowed some members of his family tell him lies to them are truths. He never wanted to be the bad guy. So, making me out to be a horrible non-believer is easier for him then to see what he has done. Rather than looking at some members of his family what they have done to me. It seems my words to him are far more worse than their actions. I just don't understand.Also, after living there with him for such a short time I can see why he wanted away from them. It is really a werid twist of love and hate in this family that can be very stressful. However, you need to have a back bone. He doesn't because he loves them so much. So, tossing me out was easier for him. But, will it be? ALLAH only knows. Time will tell. I may never know. Maybe by then I won't care.
I also get so jealous sometimes. Then I haft to pray because it is not good. Thinking about his new wife. Who will be a virgin! What about me? The virgin here! Because I am an American I can be tossed out like yesterday's news. An Arab is no better than an None Arab!!! It is so different for women . Will he l take care of her the way he used to me and promised me he always would? I wonder if she will love him? Take care of him like I did....and if she doesn't will he then think of me??? I even hurt thinking about that because I don't want him to hurt. He had the nerve to tell me at the airport in Kuwait "Will you please do me a favor, stop thinking that everyone is out to get ya?"
Funny huh? My husband of 11 1/2 years who uttered these words to me........ well,is. Because he is a liar. Yet, I continue to beat myself up of what I should of done this and should of done that. I am so very tired of beating myself up. So, tired. I used to believe in him so much. Now he has lied to everything he told me over the years,lied about the promises he made when I got to Kuwait and lied to me as I was leaving Kuwait. ALL lies!!!!
Yet, I miss him and want him back. I am so messed up sometimes I scare myself.
AlHemdeallah because of my roller coaster of a life with him in the last year and now without him has brought me closer to ALLAH and now all I do is Pray,Learn about Praying , eat, sleep and go to Work. So, even though I am so happy to now be on the straight path and am understanding....why am I not getting better with the lose of my life with him? I understand that if ALLAH wills us to be together we will and if ALLAH wills us not to be together we won't. But, I hurt so much sometimes that I wish I could wake-up and this be all a dream. My husband told me so much and showed me so much how much he loved me that now it is hard after three months not 1 word from him.I am overcome with a feeling of such jealousy because he will now be giving his love,attention,care to someone else soon. I think in June is when he will be getting married again. Oddly 1 year earlier I was moving to Kuwait to live with him.His new wife might be pregnant and I still have not had a divorce finalized here in the states. I also hurt because when I left Kuwait he said said so much to me how he still cared and loved me and how he would help me. He lied to me. He won't even tell me that I am divorced. But, I feel I am. I know how my husband is. He feels that he doesn't want to waste his time on someone like me just as much as he said he loved me. I am so tired of going over all this in my mind.
Also, I feel such jealousy because here in the states him and I struggled so much in our life. Now she will get him on easy street while I am here grasping to hold my self together. I am the only Muslim in my family. My whole family does many haarrm things that I can not be apart of. Easter coming up is REALLY starting to stress me out. I live with my Mom. There will be Ham, prayers about Jesus. Oh, I am dreading it. Summer is coming the pool will be open and everyone will be over here drinking. I had a taste of what it was going to be like last weekend. I stayed in the house with the kids studying. Alot transpired but let me just tell you one thing. I was in bed my bedroom door was locked someone was trying to push it open (happened 3 times this night) then I heard a noise on the stairs. I opened up the door and saw my drunk brother in law peeing down the stairs. Yep, welcome to my world people. The same stairs that I clim up on to get to my room where I pray So, you can see why I am getting alitte upset. Because, I haft to put up with this haarm non-sense. HemdeALLAH this is what my husband taught me to say when things aren't going as you planned. I am feeling bitter because he has his first virgin wife here struggling and he will be borrowing and spending money for his second wife's gold, money for her parents, wedding, bedroom suite etc etc etc while he has me here.
Yet, I want him back. Huh, I am so tired.
Thanks for listening.
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Replies:
Posted By: Angela
Date Posted: 12 April 2006 at 6:08pm
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Suzanne, All I can say is I'm crying with you. The pain of separation is crushing. You know we are always here for you. Allah Hafiz Angela |
Posted By: Mishmish
Date Posted: 12 April 2006 at 7:56pm
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Assalamu Alaikum Suzanne: I know how hard this is for you, but you have got to stop thinking about why this happened, what you did or didn't do, and what he is doing now without you or you will go crazy. I have been in your situation. When my first husband divorced me his family found him a seventeen year old girl from Jordan to marry. I was 36 when we divorced and had put off having children for him. He married her and brought her to Nashville, where I was still living, on the citizenship that I got him and paid for her with the Engineering degree that I helped him get. It was very difficult, but Al HamdilAllah he did what he did. At the time I was devastated, but I decided that I didn't need him and I didn't need to be consumed with why he did it, because I would never really know why. It was just hurting me, not him, he already had another life. So, I studied Islam and discovered that I could be a much better person without him. If he hadn't done what he did, then I wouldn't have become a Muslim and I wouldn't be married to my husband now. I couldn't see that at the time it was happening, but it turned out for the best. The most important thing I did was decide that I deserved better treatment and if he was the kind of man the would treat me the way he did, he wasn't the person I thought he was and he wasn't someone I wanted anyway. YOU DESERVE BETTER TREATMENT. YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO WILL TREAT YOU WITH KINDNESS AND LOVE AND MERCY. If this man has treated you in this despicable manner, is he the man you married? Do you really want to be with this person he has become? You are missing the person he was in the past, not the man that he is now. But that other man is gone and no amount of driving yourself crazy will bring him back. Sister, please listen to someone who has been there, no man is worth this type of self-inflicted mental torture. Look deep inside yourself and find your strength and realise what a wonderful person you are and that you deserve someone who will respect, love, and cherish you. Trust that Allah(SWT) will bring you through this and give you a life that is much better. ------------- It is only with the heart that one can see clearly, what is essential is invisible to the eye. (The Little Prince) |
Posted By: mariyah
Date Posted: 13 April 2006 at 12:42am
Wassalaam dearest sister: Sister Mishmish has given you such beautiful sound advice. As hard as it is right now, in time you will see that it is all for the better. Stay faithful and true, your husband will have to answer to Allah (SWT) for the dishonorable way he has dealt with his first wife. I am sure there is a worthy devout Muslim man Insha'allah who will someday cherish you. He does not have to be middle eastern to be a good muslim. My husband is of Spanish descent and treats me like a queen! Granted, it is difficult to be muslim in a christian society but keep faithful sister, my family other than I are Christian, and I am planning to work on their Easter holiday! ------------- "Every good deed is charity whether you come to your brother's assistance or just greet him with a smile. |
YOU DESERVE BETTER TREATMENT. YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO WILL TREAT YOU WITH KINDNESS AND LOVE AND MERCY.
Posted By: Danty
Date Posted: 13 April 2006 at 1:58pm
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Dear Sister,
As-salamu-laikum. I will definitely keep you in my prayers. Inshaallah you will get through this struggle with the help of Allah. May Allah give you strength and a great life in your future. Sincerly |
Posted By: Srya
Date Posted: 13 April 2006 at 7:57pm
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Salem Sisters, Thank you really for your advice and prayers. Mishmish I thought about what you said all last night and today. You are right in what you said in the last paragraph you wrote. But, if he called me to come back I would never hesiitate to say yes. Why? Because ALLAH swt forgives. I have truly learned my lesson. Only ALLAH swt and my husband understand that. HemdeALLAH, HemdeALLAH this happened to me. Yes, I do grieve still and I have my many mood swings like I did yesterday and I know I will. We all deal with life differently. I am very emotional and talkative. I was questioning that when I got back. But, that is me and I don't want to change it. InshaALLAH I will get thru this. I miss him though. I always will. I meet a sister today at the Mosque. She invited me to go to Vanderbuilt to listen to converts speak about their lives. It was a great experience for me. So many Muslims from different back grounds were there. Discussing their lives. Was also a wonderful reminder that Islam is not just for one race. I am trying to stop being so scared of everything. Praying in an open space that I did tonight behind the men was way from what I would have ever done. It's hard to explain. Because, I have always been so worried of what others would think. Lately, I feel different inside. It's a good feeling. But I did it for ALLAH swt because it was time to pray and didn't think twice about it. Thanks again sisters may ALLAH swt bless you for your advice.
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Posted By: Mishmish
Date Posted: 13 April 2006 at 8:12pm
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Assalamu Alaikum Sister Suzanne: Al HamdilAllah you are getting out and spending time with other Muslims. I miss Nashville, the people there are so sweet and loving. It will take time to get to the point where you won't want him anymore. It took me about six months of grieving. And it was grieving because I had lost what I thought of as my life and the man I was going to spend the rest of it with. But gradually I realised I was grieving for what used to be, and could never be again because he was gone and I had changed. I guess that's when I was all better. It's perfectly O.K. to feel grief, but you should never blame yourself or think that you deserve any of this. But one day you will feel free. It will happen, and then you will feel sad once in a while, but you will be so much better. When I feel sad it is because I wasted so much time on him, time that I could have been having children, and then wasted time missing him. Now I cannot have children and that makes me very sad sometimes. Please don't let this happen to you. It was very hard when I would see him or his brothers at the mosque or out somewhere, but after a while I just didn't care. I thought of how he had treated me and I didn't like that person. Insha'Allah you will feel that way too one day. Just give yourself time. Salaams, Dwanna P.S. In the meantime, feel free to vent. It helps to just say these things and get them out. I used to drive my friends crazy calling them at midnight and crying... I never thought of going online or I could have saved them alot of sleepless nights... ------------- It is only with the heart that one can see clearly, what is essential is invisible to the eye. (The Little Prince) |
Posted By: Srya
Date Posted: 13 April 2006 at 9:58pm
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Salem Mishmish, InshaALLAh I will be able to have children someday. I was pregnant for one brief moment. I had to have a DNC done the night before I left to fly back to America back in October of 05. It was terrible for the both of us. I remember looking to the books he bought me on pregnancy and the baby book he bought for me as I was walking out the door of our home in Kuwait this January. Sometimes I think about this and it make me sad. For so many years we had talked about children. Now he will have someone else carry his baby. InshaALLAH he will have lots of baby's and be happy. He will be a wonderful Daddy.I also hurt sometimes because even though we had talked so much about having babies together even days before I left the eve of my departure my sister in law called me and said many things that he told her and later when I asked him about it he was embarressed as he should have been. But, what she told me was "He wants to have children" well, he knows why we deceided to wait at least a month or more. But, again what he told me, what he thought and what he told other people were different. What hurts is he wanted children without me. I am now 31 now. I meet a woman at the mosque also today who told me she didn't start to have children until she was 39. Mashallah her children are so very beautiful. She is an American and from the looks of her children her husband must be middle eastern Yeah, I was a little sad. Because, again I thought of my husband. InshaALLAh in time I will be happy again. InshaALLAH. |
Posted By: Mishmish
Date Posted: 14 April 2006 at 12:57pm
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Assalamu Alaikum Suzanne: The children thing used to hurt me SO much! I waited because my ex asked me to., even though I made it very clear before we married that I wanted a family. He wanted to finish his education first, while I worked full-time and was financially responsible. Two weeks before his graduation he just told me one day that he didn't want to be married to me anymore. I thought he was joking he said it so calmly and then went to his part-time job. Within a week he had moved out and in with his cousin. When he remarried his wife got pregnant right away and then I knew that he too wanted children, just not my children. By this time I was 37 and had developed huge cysts on my ovaries. I still hoped I could have children, but it was too late. I wasted all of my years on him and lost the chance. But, Al HamdilAllah, because if we had had children together we would have ended in divorce because he didn't want to be with me, or we would have stayed together for the children and been miserable. How unfair that would have been for the children. However, I have to say that every once in a awhile I still cry when I think about never being a mom. I know we could adopt, but financially we can't consider that right now, perhaps never. It used to really hurt when one of my friends would get pregnant, but now, Al HamdilAllah, it's just a small heartache instead of a breathtaking one. At least you still have time, just don't allow yourself too long before seeking an end to the marriage and moving on. One day when you are remarried and have a baby, insha'Allah, you will look back and be amazed that you gave that man so much power over you because it will be so unimportant. Salaams, Dwanna ------------- It is only with the heart that one can see clearly, what is essential is invisible to the eye. (The Little Prince) |