Marriage dilemma
Printed From: IslamiCity.org
Category: Religion - Islam
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Description: Questions realted to familly matter.
URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=43769
Printed Date: 04 December 2024 at 10:12am
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.03 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Marriage dilemma
Posted By: Jellybean
Subject: Marriage dilemma
Date Posted: 02 December 2018 at 3:40am
Asalam ei leikum. I wanted some advice about a matter that is affecting my marriage.
I got married under 2 years ago to a man who has 2 children from his previous marriage. They are 10 and 8 years old. I have no children from the past. My parents were understandably not too keen for me to do this marriage, but at that time I thought it would be ok. His children from the previous marriage don't live with him permanently, they are under shared care with his ex wife, and visit every other weekend and,every Wednesday. Before we got married, I asked a few questions very clearly. I said for example, if I want to go somewhere with you and its your childrens turn to be,with you, what would happen then. My now husband said to me at that time that as long as I give him enough notice at that time then he will work around it. He never said at that time that the children would always have to come with me wherever I went etc. He also promised to stand by me, look after my interests and keep me happy.
Since my marriage to him I have tried my best with his children. I have been nice to them whenever they have visited, cook their food on time, wash clothes, iron, give them presents on birthday etc. I have looked after them in holidays when he has gone to work, looked after them when they have been ill etc. I have tried my best. However he has said that he won't do anything with me without his children, if I want to go on holidays with him then I have to go with his children. He doesn't give me any importance in this marriage.
My parents live 200miles away, and as mentioned, they didnt really want me to get married with someone,with children. We are from typical asian background, and they feel its a stigma and,embarrassing for them if friends find out. Because I am a doctor myself and they feel people will wonder why I made this decision.
Anyway, they have fully accepted my marriage and have no issues whatsoever.
Now the issue is that my brother is,getting married soon and my husband is insisting that his children have to come with him at the wedding. I have explained the,situation that my parents have not told,anyone about his children where they live, and dont want it to become obvious in front of everyone. In that case I asked my husband if his children could sit by their grandparents (husbands parents who will also be invited to the,wedding). In this way my parent's friends would not obviously know that they are his children, and would save my parents from answering people and feeling a bit shy. This has,caused a massive argument between me and my husband as to how I even dared to suggest this. As a result of this him and my in laws stopped talking to my parents. This has been going on for the last 1.5yrs. It has,come to a,stage where it is mentally affecting me. I have,spoken to him a few times about this but we end up arguing again each time. At the same time I am conscious that if he is not there at the wedding with me then people are going to question me and wonder why my husband is not there.
Families are not agreeing, him and his parents are not agreeing that his children can sit on the table by the grandparents and my parents are not happy that they come holding his hand, taking photos with him on stage and,making it obvious that my husband has children from a previous marriage.
In the end the only solution I can see is that the children don't come and that my husband just comes with me for my sake. At the end if the day he has married me, he has a duty towards me, to look after me and respect my rights and honour. The children are not a permanent part of my life but he is making them so. He is refusing to come with me, and is,saying that the only way he will come is,with his whole family and children and with the children sitting by him in the wedding hall.
I am really upset, I feel that he is not giving me any importance in this marriage and that everything is,circling around his children. He is putting them as,a condition on me, but at the end of the day, surely he has,a duty towards me? His children are from his past, but he is not able to separate the two.
Please could you offer your advice on this matter, if families cant agree then should he come with me just for me and to give me importance and my rights as his wife?
|
Replies:
Posted By: Dr. Aslam
Date Posted: 09 October 2019 at 5:13pm
|
Wa alaikum Salam, There are several options. 1. None of you attend the wedding 2. Only you and your husband attend wedding. 3. Children sit with your in laws. 4. Children sit wherever they want to sit without revealing their identity 5. You make it known that they are the children of your husband from previous marriage and once for all close this issue. After using any of the option, then discuss the nature of relationship with your husband about children. They would soon become adult, follow Islamic principles in these matters. Aslam
-------------
Best Regards,
Aslam Abdullah
|
|