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Emotional blackmail

Printed From: IslamiCity.org
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Description: Discuss Family Issues
URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=44424
Printed Date: 17 December 2024 at 8:22pm
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.03 - http://www.webwizforums.com


Topic: Emotional blackmail
Posted By: faiza12
Subject: Emotional blackmail
Date Posted: 17 March 2020 at 2:24pm
Salam!

My husband and i have been married for 9 years we have two kids i have sponsored him to canada we have been living here toghther since 7 years ever since he came here i have been working i worked before too part time after marriage i worked fulltime because we needed our place so we got an apt i paid halfthe rent helped him until i got pregnant i still worked but less after my baby i went on Mat leave so basically i never asked him for money i always did everything on my own he paid rent i paid bills and did grocery and also bought everyhting i needed for the baby after 10 months i went back to work part time then after 2 years i had my second baby i was on mat leave and husband mother came here i did not make much on my second mat leave but i still did grocery and bought stuff for baby and my other toddler never asked hubby for money and he never offered either .i bought sometimes from credit cards then later paid it off . So now my problem is  that every 3-4 months hubby asks me if i have saved anything he wants to buy a house he says he will do eevrything on his own but im worried how will he do it because were going to go far and i wont be able to work my baby is small i work right now because i can leave my baby at my sister inlaw place but when we move far theres no one there so he keeps saying i dont seem happy i told him im worried abt him will he be able to manage and take care of everything he said he will i said ok then we had this huge fight as usual every 3-4 months he brings it up and he goes u never give me money u never share anything he said i told u we are getting a house u never ask how will it happened u never asked do u need any money ... Like im shocked because i never asked him for money even tho he is suppose to give me im his wife in islam man is suppose to gve his wife he gives his mom money back home he send her money ever since he came here i dont talk abiut that either but i believe he should be fare if he gives her he shud give me too but he doesnt fine what ever u dont want it i am mad he hasent ever given me money so why does he ask me for it ! 

So when i said to him you never gave my money u never ask me if i need money so his answer was i know you dont need it this man has no idea how i bought stuff for my babies when they were born what ever i got from pay cheqe was gone he has no idea how exoensive formula was and he says that i dont do much i also many times said what did u help me with just $60 grocery on weekends so he is giving me no credit for over 7 years that ive been taking care of myself and my kids with my money and not his he pays rent all men do that and if he doesnt give rent goverment can give my rent .  I am just so over this i never want to fight i never start he always does last time he even called me useless and this time he said if i had studied more i would have not been this dumb so i said to him im glad wat ever i have studied because with that ive been taking care of myself now im really confused what he wants from me is he even sincere with me if we get a house will he be abel to take care of everytjing house expenses grocery kids stuff i have no idea he sometimes makes me feel like im not doing enough he wants me to give him my one pay chque i know thats what he wants but i wont wat ever im saving is for kids and me i have already spend q lot on him before and this is what i get im afraid even if i guve him
Money it still wont be enough 

Plz help me and tell me in my situation what shud i do i mean hes a nice guy he loves the kids but he never buys them anything he knows im there for that but its jst this problem he has which i dont like shud i start give him money so hel be happy with me i dont know and another thing all his friends wifes have good jobs there helping there husband out fulltime but i dont wana be that wife i want my husband to financially do and ill help him like im doing with grocery and bill and i think thats enough. 


Replies:
Posted By: Dr. Aslam
Date Posted: 20 March 2020 at 6:14pm
Wa alaikum Salam,
Sit down with him and explain every thing calmly and openly. Express your concerns and tell him of your expectations. He should understand your concerns. He is the bread winner and it is his primary responsibility to provide for the family.
AA


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Best Regards,
Aslam Abdullah

Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 21 March 2020 at 6:59am
Wa Alaikum Salaam and welcome Faiza, I think in life we often must carefully balance what is best overall and not just consider what's his right or your duty and obligation. If, over all these years, you have paid and shared expenses for household items and rent, this has become normalized, and to now make an issue of it will naturally cause friction. If you've been paying for all these years yet harboring resentment in your heart and now that pain flows out at a time when your husband is trying to make a move which he feels will benefit the entire family, it is understandable that he seems blindsided and frustrated. You have said he is a good person and nice with the children, and no doubt with you as well, otherwise I assume you wouldn't have had two children and remained for all these years in the marriage. I suggest doing what will bring stability to your marriage, which is to continue offering financial support, and more importantly, confidence in his ability to plot as course for his family going forward. Indeed it is your right to be financially supported and for you to spend your money as you please, but after a careful consideration of what's at stake in this marriage is it the "right" thing to do? Please keep in mind that we are far from knowing intimate details of your situation, and that you have to use your best judgement. It is certainly my hope that your husband is not taking advantage of your kindness and trampling upon your rights, but simply sees you as his partner in trying to navigate a path in this very temporary life, that we will all depart shortly. Allah bless you with patience and wisdom going forward. Ameen!

Posted By: Sultana99
Date Posted: 17 June 2020 at 9:43am
I also agree with abuaisha that u have to continue marriage for kids so don't have any resentment towards each other ,u can continue to support financially and try to earn more if possible .uve certainly done a lot for your family we all can see that but Im sure your husband is not right now and he may not see or acknowledge that for a very long time until your both settled and get a house , and inshallah u will . 


Posted By: cowolter
Date Posted: 03 July 2020 at 2:51pm
Salam! In terms of ruling, a woman's money is her own https://onplanners.com/templates/free-printable-budget-templates" rel="nofollow - budget   She can't be forced to pay for anything from her own health, even if she is rich. If she does out of free will, then it is considered a charity on her part.

Posted By: johnpreast26
Date Posted: 31 October 2022 at 4:16pm
It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation. Understandably, you are worried about your husband's ability to take care of everything if you move far away and cannot work. It is also understandable that you are upset that he has never given you any money, especially given that you have been the one taking care of the family and working full-time. However, it is also important to consider his perspective. He may feel like he is doing everything independently and that you are not contributing anything. He may also feel you are not interested in or supportive of his house plans. It is important to try to see things from his perspective and to have an honest conversation about your concerns. If you can reach a compromise, it will be better for both of you. I would recommend consulting an expert from http://https://www.digitalforensics.com/blackmail" rel="nofollow - https://www.digitalforensics.com/blackmail .


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