Family Matter - I lied about my past to my wife

I lied about my past to my wife

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Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Description: Discuss Family Issues
URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=44568
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Topic: I lied about my past to my wife

Posted By: Rw99
Subject: I lied about my past to my wife
Date Posted: 06 July 2020 at 5:54pm

Aoa, this is my first time posting. Looking for help.

I have been married 6 years now, but we are having a huge issue in our marriage and she wants to leave or move out. We are searching for an Islamic marriage counselor, but unfortunately none are seeing ppl due to the covid situation.

I must say we've accomplished a lot in our marriage. When she married me, financially I had nothing and was recovering from a physical ailment which had almost killed me. She stayed with me this whole time, right by my side. Now we are very financially stable, and my disability has improved.

Before my sickness, I had a very active past in terms of women, what might be defined as a playboy. When my ailment occurred, and after I got through it, I had a new outlook on life, and changed my ways. I spent 3-4 years in depression coping with the effects of my ailment. I began to look for rishtas to settle down. I also began to lie about my past out of fear of being judged to be that way now. In my mind, when talking about the past, i seem like I'm talking about a different person.

With my wife, I lied about my past from the start of our marriage. I allowed certain advice and thoughts to influence my decision. I received advice that if lying benefits the marriage, it is Islamically acceptable to do so. In the end I do not blame the advice, it was my decision to go about it in this way.

We grew to love each other, and she admits she loved me at a point, and we were ready to have children. She says she always felt I was not truthful about my past, and after a fight, we agreed that I should tell her everything. This has created enormous friction between us, not because of what I did in my past, but because she says she can't believe I lied for 6 years. She says the trust in our marriage is gone, and she wants to either seperate or divorce me. She says she cannot stay in a marriage that has no trust. I told her that the trust will return, but she doesn't think it will. Please help.

Thank you in advance.

Replies:

Posted By: Muhammad Saad
Date Posted: 07 October 2020 at 7:29pm

Hiding Playboy kind of past from wife is preferable in my opinion.

Posted By: Yazmin0805
Date Posted: 05 January 2021 at 9:32am

I am sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time in your marriage.

I think you need to explain to your wife that you are not the same person you were in the past and it was a long time before you met her. We all make mistakes but I can understand how your past can hurt your wife especially as you have never mentioned it.

When you and your wife first met, did either of you ask about the others past?

Apologise for hurting her, she still loves you otherwise she wouldn’t be hurt. Explain to her how much she means to you and show her that you are truly sorry for the past and hiding it, also explain that you were scared of being judged as you stopped being that person before you met her. Ask how you can make it better. Listen to what she needs to say. Rather than divorce maybe see if she wants some time to herself?

I think in this time, most men and women do have a past.

I hope it all works out for you.