Salam sister m82.  I'm sure every guy has his own reasons.  

1.) I seem to remember there being a hadith where the prophet s.a.w advised men to marry virgins or something to that effect (if you're interested, you could ask the sheikh at your local mosque for hadith about this, if it exists he'll give it to you).

2.) In most cultures (especially African and Arab) a guy that's never been married will marry a virgin.  It's just a social norm (but of course there are always exceptions).

3.) Like you said, most people say that a woman is "forever attached" to her first.  I'm not sure how true that is though.  I know lots of sisters who have been married several times.  And many of them hate there ex-husbands including the first one.

4.In this day and age many brothers are afraid of contracting STD's. 

I guess the possible answers to your question are endless.  It really depends on the brother you're dealing with/

Salaam

If the rules had been applied onto men,so many men could had been rejected for marriage...sisters are the victims of subcultures....

ak_m_f wrote: Suleyman wrote: If the rules had been applied onto men,so many men could had been rejected for marriage...sister are the victims of subcultures.... it is also applied on men tooo

Bismillah,

JAK Brother Suleyman!!!  Three Cheers for you!!!

Brother Ak -- I'm sorry to inform you that the double standard is still alive and well.  Many Muslim men endanger their virgin bride by not mentioning the liasons he has had or getting checked for STDs. 

Often, and this is scientific and researchable, guys do not show symptoms for many of the bad diseases, or only show smaller, less dangerous symptoms.  Whereas the disease he is carrying will decimate his trusting bride leaving her ill the rest of her life, possibly unable to bear children or even dead.  Then he can go marry another virgin because who investigates these things?

Reality is reality.   But the fact that you think that it is incumbent upon men and women is sweet and May Allah keep you strong and patient.

Peace

Assalamu Alaikum:

You have only to look at the wives of the Prophet(PBUH) for guidance in this matter. All of his wives were widowed or divorced except two: Aisha and Miriam.

Assalamu Alaikum:

Yes, I think it's because women who have had other partners may do some compairing... and they might not measure up :)  In general, a woman's first experience (especially if the hymen hasn't ruptured) is not that great.. so one would think one would not want to be the guy to do the deed.  (Note: Be sure to pack some KY Jelly for your honeymoon if your'e a virgin... it will make things much easier.) 

I've also seen some pretty big age differences... where the guy is in his late 20s and the girl is just out of high school.  That is warped, IMHO.  Wouldn't sunnah be to make your first wife 15 years older than you? :)

No guy can tell, by the way... although they all think they can. (Of course, if she's had children...there is a difference.) The hymen often ruptures beforehand... and there may/may not be blood.  Although everybody expects some blood.  There is actually booming business among plastic surgeons to do a hymen-repair operation... sigh... it saddens me that Sisters go to such lengths.

Men are supposed to be virgins as well.  I will say that I met more Muslim virgins (male and female) then I ever met of any other religion.

I was a revert... and some men asked, others did not... others assumed that because I was American and older (late 20s), I must have had many partners... which wasn't the truth.  Still, most assume that all Americans are promiscuous.

Technically, once you make shahadah... you are clean again.... so they have no business asking.

Peace.

umsami wrote: Assalamu Alaikum: Men are supposed to be virgins as well.  I will say that I met more Muslim virgins (male and female) then I ever met of any other religion. Peace.

Good point sister.  The rules of chasity apply to men too.  I think the only reason why so many men get off the hook is that the families of many women don't inquire about such things.

When my brother-in-law came to ask to marry my sister, he got the third degree.  First my dad grilled him, then my big brother finished him off.   My brother assured my mom that the guy was a virgin.   We also did an extensive background  check on the brother.  

Salaam

Mishmish wrote: Assalamu Alaikum: You have only to look at the wives of the Prophet(PBUH) for guidance in this matter. All of his wives were widowed or divorced except two: Aisha and Miriam.

Assalamu Alaikum:

Bravo sister Mish, you are right! The prophet (pbuh) so loved his first wife, Kadija who was a widow and 15 years his senior, that he never took any other wife until after her death! Some people seem to forget that! 

Maryah wrote: Mishmish wrote: Assalamu Alaikum: You have only to look at the wives of the Prophet(PBUH) for guidance in this matter. All of his wives were widowed or divorced except two: Aisha and Miriam. Assalamu Alaikum: Bravo sister Mish, you are right! The prophet (pbuh) so loved his first wife, Kadija who was a widow and 15 years his senior, that he never took any other wife until after her death! Some people seem to forget that!

You know, the marriage between Khadijah and Muhammed (pbuh) was a wonderful model of a perfect, loving and respectful marriage.  She was an independent woman who was supportive to her husband and cared for him in his struggles.  He loved her and respected her and was not afraid to show that to others.  We should all model our marriages off of ones like this.

Where do you find this?  Is it in a hadith????

I agree that you are often asked about it NOT for health but for chastity reasons.

I recently read a long piece in Newsweek regarding AIDS as it has been around 25 years. It covered many aspects of the disease.

One thing that struck me was that 80% of women are getting AIDS from their one parter/spouse. The husband is doing hanky-panky on the side. And bringing home the disease. And of course we know in many cultures the women don't have much choice to divorce, refuse sex, tell you spouse to sue a condom etc.  They are no close to developing a cream that women can use that will prevent the transmission. This way a woman can protect herself (and any future kids) without relying upon getting their spouse / partner to use a condom or risk upsetting the whole thing by addressing behavior.

It is a good idea to ask questions in this day and age.... ignorance can be deadly..

amah wrote: Post deleted as per salman's request.

As Salamu Alaykum,

I can't believe my eyes!!!,Sister Amah values the request of a user,sorry is it real?...we are users how can we make worth to be considered?,after four years passed or not? or a new one?,we have not got apolets,...Dear Amah,are you serious on your decision?,please recheck it...thx in advance...

Hayfa wrote: I recently read a long piece in Newsweek regarding AIDS as it has been around 25 years. It covered many aspects of the disease. One thing that struck me was that 80% of women are getting AIDS from their one parter/spouse. The husband is doing hanky-panky on the side. And bringing home the disease. And of course we know in many cultures the women don't have much choice to divorce, refuse sex, tell you spouse to sue a condom etc.

Another issue is that in some countries and cultures, homosexuality is viewed as such a sin, that people are in the closet about it.  Men who are gay marry regardless... and then if they fool around... their wives (and children) suffer.  In the African-American community, they use the term on the "down low." 

I think because of AIDS there needs to be a real discussion in Muslim communities about homosexuality.  Saying it is a sin doesn't really solve the problem these days.  Men (and women) who think they may be gay, or have those attractions, need to be told that it is wrong for them to marry and put their innocent partners at risk.  They need to be taught AIDS prevention tactics.  Silence is deadly.  And yes, I'd even be OK with telling gay men and women that they need to avoid being alone with the same sex, unless chaparoned... and that if they choose to find a partner, they need to limit it to one (such as with a marriage).

Peace.

umsami wrote: Another issue is that in some countries and cultures, homosexuality is viewed as such a sin, that people are in the closet about it.  Men who are gay marry regardless... and then if they fool around... their wives (and children) suffer.  In the African-American community, they use the term on the "down low."  I think because of AIDS there needs to be a real discussion in Muslim communities about homosexuality.  Saying it is a sin doesn't really solve the problem these days.  Men (and women) who think they may be gay, or have those attractions, need to be told that it is wrong for them to marry and put their innocent partners at risk.  They need to be taught AIDS prevention tactics.  Silence is deadly.  And yes, I'd even be OK with telling gay men and women that they need to avoid being alone with the same sex, unless chaparoned... and that if they choose to find a partner, they need to limit it to one (such as with a marriage). Peace.

AIDS is not just a Homosexual disease.  This is the greatest and deadliest myth surrounding AIDS.  You can get AIDS from Heterosexual partners and its spreading quickest among heterosexual blacks.  The Homosexual community is aware of the disease, but its the Heterosexuals that aren't learning the lessons.

AIDS can be spread through unclean hospitals, blood transfusions.  By sex, through prostitutes, promiscious liasons and by birth.  Drug needles are another risk factor.

People need to be educated about ALL THE RISK FACTORS and people need to stop blaming the Gay community.  The disease originated out of tainted Monkey meat in the Congo......the first cases weren't even from sex.

Angela wrote: People need to be educated about ALL THE RISK FACTORS and people need to stop blaming the Gay community.  The disease originated out of tainted Monkey meat in the Congo......the first cases weren't even from sex.

I couldn't agree more

As salamu Alaykum,

Of course it has still the importance,but in the large arms of Islam there is so much place for who are not virgins but laterly who promised to obey Allah,of course some of them did not loose their virginity intentionally...in such our times!,new agers come from the darkness to Islam, also some of them became the candles of Islam...whoever we are,let's leave the past and see what we can do inside our new life,with Islam...

I learnt ghusl and ablution at the second term of the university,imagine how Allah opened His arms to me while living in a muslim country hearing azaans four times a day(4 times because i was all sleeping at the fajr time)...

Nobody should loose his hope from Allah,Allah knows the best...

As Salamu Alaykum Sister

I do not think so,all muslims are has the same worth on this earth,at the hereafter only Allah can judge who is worthful or not, we have no right to judge each others or establish some apolets,reverts has priorities,also born muslims have too...all blessings from Allah for balancing this world with Islam...feel the mission...take care...

Angela wrote: AIDS is not just a Homosexual disease.  This is the greatest and deadliest myth surrounding AIDS.  You can get AIDS from Heterosexual partners and its spreading quickest among heterosexual blacks.  The Homosexual community is aware of the disease, but its the Heterosexuals that aren't learning the lessons. AIDS can be spread through unclean hospitals, blood transfusions.  By sex, through prostitutes, promiscious liasons and by birth.  Drug needles are another risk factor. People need to be educated about ALL THE RISK FACTORS and people need to stop blaming the Gay community.  The disease originated out of tainted Monkey meat in the Congo......the first cases weren't even from sex.

Angela:

I never claimed it was a gay disease, but it is more prevalent among homosexual men.  There is a very real issue in the world today, at least in the African-American community here in the States, of men who are gay but do not consider themselves to be so (use bisexual if you prefer).... who have gay sex which their partners know nothing about and infect their partners.  Many infectious disease experts feel that this accounts for the high rate of infection among heterosexual African-American women.  The CDC is actually investigating this phenomenon to see how it has impacted the transmission rates.  Yes, it can be gotten through heterosexual sex, tainted needles, blood transfusions, etc.  But denying that gay sex is a transmission form is ignorant as well.

The best form of prevention is to follow Allah's plan... remain a virgin until marriage and remain faithful to your marriage partner.  Promiscuity is the issue with all STDs.

And yes, anti-gay attitudes among Muslims can affect this as very few gay Muslim men that I know (and yes I do know some... and yes one can be gay and Muslim) are "out" to anybody in their family or community.  The stigma is just too great.  Remember, one can still be put to death or in jail for homosexual sex in most Muslim countries.

Peace.

Why the LDS quote? Do you really think that any Muslim who believes in one God, that God had know offspring, and that Muhammad (pbuh) was the last Prophet would ever believe in Joseph Smith or Bringham Young as a prophet?

AIDS Cases by Age

AIDS Cases by Race/Ethnicity

AIDS Cases by Exposure Category

sister_m82 wrote: oh me silly girl. i'm shy to say this , but.. you won't believe what's my answer to my confused question. i've just found out that Zina is NOT a SIN for nonmuslims. . and as i had proposals mostly from nonmuslims, it was weird for me when i was questioned for the first time if i was a virgin or not. yeah, now you all know who is sister_m82 , a girl laughing at her own silliness. pray for me to gain more good knowledge. sorry after some surfings in inet to find smth on this topic, only this text caught my attention: "Sex is a major component in most relationships. And part of finding Miss Right includes being with a person who has the same sexual mentality and physicality you do, regardless of their saintly or sordid past."

Only by people who are hypocrites.     Christians that is....  I go rounds and rounds with this one and some of my old friends.  Satan has tricked people into thinking that if it feels good, it can't be bad.  *sighs*  Those of us who believe in our faiths are called old fashioned and out dated.  I wonder if the Youth of Rome were telling their parents this as the Visgoths were knocking on the gates?

I just found this other statistic I would like to Share about AIDS.

http://www.aidsquilt.org/hivaidsworldstats.htm - http://www.aidsquilt.org/hivaidsworldstats.htm

(all data is effective 2001)

I agree with you Angela. Most people are either in the gay community or they have been in prison (no females there) and come out and then sleep around again.

Most of what is going on in the world is men sleeping around, especially with prostitutes, and  then bringing it to their wives, girlfriends etc. Just because someone is married and has the paper to prove it does not necessarily prohibt behavior.

Considering those men have a choice to walk through the door or a prostitute's house or not. They should take their pictures and shame them!  Yes I am harsh. But to go and sleep around, and come back home and sleep with your partner/wife and possibly kill them means strong measures should be taken!

Angela:

The statistics you quote say that through 2004, over 440,000 people had gotten AIDS through Male-to-Male sexual relations.  159,000 had gotten it from heterosexual contact.  The point I've been trying to make is that a lot of the people who get it from heterosexual contact in the US have gotten it from a partner who may or may not be strictly heterosexual.  Janie knows that she got infected from Michael.  What she doens't know is that Michael has sex with other men.  Hence the "down low" phenomenon. 

Here's some info from the CDC:  In the United States, HIV and AIDS have had a tremendous effect on men who have sex with men (MSM). MSM accounted for approximately two thirds of all HIV infections among men in 2003, even though only about 5% to 7% of men in the United States identify themselves as MSM [ http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/pubs/facts/msm.htm#ref1 - 1 , http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/pubs/facts/msm.htm#ref2 - 2 ]. The number of HIV diagnoses for MSM decreased during the 1980s and 1990s, but recent surveillance data show an increase in HIV diagnoses for this group [ http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/pubs/facts/msm.htm#ref3 - 3 ]. Given the high prevalence of HIV infection in young MSM of minority races and ethnicities, there is a continued need for culturally diverse prevention and education services.

According to the CDC, through 2003:

* Male to Male Sex was the transmission mode in  59% of the cases

* Injection drug use was the transmission mode in 23% of the cases

* Male-to-Male Sex + Injection drug use.... 8%

* Heterosexual sex 8%

* Other 2%

http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/pubs/facts/msm.htm - http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/pubs/facts/msm.htm

Here's some more statistics for you: 

In a study of HIV-infected persons, 34% of African American men who have sex with men (MSM) reported having had sex with women, even though only 6% of African American women reported having had sex with a bisexual man.  (There's a big disconnect there!)

The rate of AIDS diagnoses for African American adults and adolescents was 10 times the rate for whites and almost 3 times the rate for Hispanics. The rate of AIDS diagnoses for African American women was 23 times the rate for white women. The rate of AIDS diagnoses for African American men was 8 times the rate for white men.

http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/topics/aa/resources/factsheets/aa.htm - http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/topics/aa/resources/factsheets/aa.htm

The fear is that the phenomenon of hiding one's sexualiy may be similar in Latino and Muslim communities where the stigma against being homosexual is so high.

If you are straight you are not immune from AIDS... but I know of no gay man who isn't acutely aware that he is in a high risk group for AIDS.  Yes, women need to educate themselves... but they also need to be aware that just because their partner seems heterosexual, he may not be.  Tha's the point of my post... and perhaps that speaks well to the Muslim practice of having a Wali (guardian) and of investigating one's spouse prior to marriage.

The scariest thing about the AIDS epidemic in Africa to me, besides its prevalence, is that the witch doctors have told the men to have sexs with virgins to get rid of the disease.  And becaue of this, rapes are occuring...even of infant girls.  Sick.

As to your LDS status, I just find it srange that you'd hang out on Muslim boards unless you were interested in Islam.  As you are quoting Joseph Smith, it doesn't seem that you are.  What is this, your internet mission?

ummsami,

You are new here, you don't know me. I have been here a long time.  I came to this board to learn about Islam after the 7/7 London Bombings.  I wanted to know why Muslims were out to kill all Christians, Jews and Westerners.  I wanted to know why Muslim women allowed themselves to be abused.  I've learned alot about Islam since then.  Does it change my belief in God, Christ or the Holy Spirit?  No, but I have come to respect Muslims and Muslimahs as a very misunderstood people.  (Much like my own.)  I have made some very dear friends here and because of me hanging out, my family and friends are become educated about how Islam is not a religion of hate and violence.  But, you know, if you want Americans to remain ignorant, you'll have no one to blame when the world continues to hate you and believe the media's lies. 

One does not need to be interested in converting in order to be interested in learning.  I've learned about many cultures and faiths in my life.  I have lived in Russia, studied India and worked for an Indian family.  I have studied, Russian, Latin, Japanese and now Arabic.  Learning is precious and we are instructed as Latter Day Saints to study and expand our minds with learning.  We are taught to build bridges, not burn them.  We are taught to see the truth whereever it is and whomever brought it forth.  Truth is in all faiths, you just have to look.  We are all children of God and we should not be hateful towards each other.

My issue with your stance on AIDS is that its too far past the stages where you must focus on men having sex with men.  Instead you need to focus on not having sex outside of marriage and knowing your partner and staying faithful within marriage.

Yes, the statistics show more gay men have the disease since the CDC started keeping track, but the percentages of increase are FASTER in the black and non gay communities.  Not to say its not still spreading like wildfire in all communities.  If you keep blaming the gay population, then the heterosexuals will falsely think they are safe.  That is what I'm trying to get through to you.  We need to work on the very real HUMAN problem.  I know a family that were all diagnosed at the same time.  The wife was anemic and was given a blood transfusion.  She was infected and didn't know, then she passed it to her husband and unborn child....they found it when she gave birth. 

I see that you understand that being straight doesn't mean your immune, but you must understand, not everyone thinks in those terms.  So the education has to focus on the disease, how its spread and how its avoided, for EVERYONE.

Assalamu Alaikum:

Angela, you Muslim groupie you... Here today to get your fix?

I assume these are statistics for the U.S. only? Because in India, where Aids is spreading the quickest, and in Africa, most cases are heterosexually spread. In India, there is a huge epidemic among the prostitutes there, and of course we have all heard about Africa.

Mishmish,

You know I'm an addict.  Its all that wholesome goodness. 

Yes, the statistics I originally posted were from the CDC website and are only for the United States.  You'd have to go to the WHO for world statistics and I couldn't find any that broke it down by exposure type on a world scale.  Still 25,000 cases to 17,000 cases, that means that 59% of new cases are not from homosexual sex in 2004....and theres the "growing" problem. 

I read a report today where 41 percent of teen girls surveyed at Planned Parenthood clinics report having unwanted sex because of fear and pressure.  They were 50% less likely to use condoms because of the same fear.  All the girls in the study were sexually active, no virgins were interviewed obviously (so that's not 41% of ALL girls just sexually active teens).  All the girls were between 15-17 and the number one reason was fear their boyfriend might get mad at them.

The study stressed teaching both boys and girls about abstinence and pressure, as well as, communication. 

Why the LDS quote? Do you really think that any Muslim who believes in one God, that God had know offspring, and that Muhammad (pbuh) was the last Prophet would ever believe in Joseph Smith or Bringham Young as a prophet?

Salaamu Alaykum

I was a Mormon as a little girl, and now I am a Muslimah as an adult. Sister Angela has stated her position to you so politely.  And I say to you that it is best not to doubt people's intentions as you have done here.  Maybe next time do a forum search with her name and read before you falsely accuse her.

Peace

sister_m82 wrote: oh me silly girl. i'm shy to say this , but.. you won't believe what's my answer to my confused question. i've just found out that Zina is NOT a SIN for nonmuslims. . and as i had proposals mostly from nonmuslims, it was weird for me when i was questioned for the first time if i was a virgin or not. yeah, now you all know who is sister_m82 , a girl laughing at her own silliness. pray for me to gain more good knowledge. sorry after some surfings in inet to find smth on this topic, only this text caught my attention: "Sex is a major component in most relationships. And part of finding Miss Right includes being with a person who has the same sexual mentality and physicality you do, regardless of their saintly or sordid past."

sister_m82 wrote: Zina is NOT a SIN for nonmuslims.

it does not really matter....because all the deeds of non muslims are going in vain....as they are not muslims.....and the greatest sin that they are committing is denying this: There is no deity worthy of worship except Allah, and Prophet Muhammad is the believing slave and final messenger of Allah

salman_s wrote: sister_m82 wrote: oh me silly girl. i'm shy to say this , but.. you won't believe what's my answer to my confused question. i've just found out that Zina is NOT a SIN for nonmuslims. . and as i had proposals mostly from nonmuslims, it was weird for me when i was questioned for the first time if i was a virgin or not. yeah, now you all know who is sister_m82 , a girl laughing at her own silliness. pray for me to gain more good knowledge. sorry after some surfings in inet to find smth on this topic, only this text caught my attention: "Sex is a major component in most relationships. And part of finding Miss Right includes being with a person who has the same sexual mentality and physicality you do, regardless of their saintly or sordid past." sister_m82 wrote: Zina is NOT a SIN for nonmuslims. it does not really matter....because all the deeds of non muslims are going in vain....as they are not muslims.....and the greatest sin that they are committing is denying this: There is no deity worthy of worship except Allah, and Prophet Muhammad is the believing slave and final messenger of Allah

Bismillah,

Just for the sake of anyone reading this:  Many people don't agree with Brother Salman.  (Only Allah, The All-Knowing, knows who loves Allah more or not.  Maybe you will flip right before you die Brother.  Be steadfast.  May Allah, The Most Merciful, open your heart and mind just a bit more.)

schwester wrote: but anyway, i think the question about girl's virginity suits only virgin men. and if a girl was divorced, widowed, or have lost her virginity because of some deseases, or any other, and hasn't done any zina then for what reason a brother(especially nonvirgin), asking this quesion to learn sister's iman(how much she is far from sins), should ignore her? she hasn't done zina. for what other reasons may a MUSLIM-wife-seeking MUSLIM brother require girl's virginity? or you think it is right just to wish a virgin girl? does such brother have the right iman?

That is a very good question.  Perhaps a good question to ask this man, would be to counter him with the same question?  If he becomes offended, then the sister should walk away.  There was a recent study that showed (In the US) virginity pledgers lie.  If the brother answers bashfully that he is a virgin or he admits to a.) being married or b.) failing in the past.  The second question I would put forth is why does it matter to you if I have not committed zina? (since my Shahada for reverts, or divorce for Muslimahs)

Ummziba posted a lovely set of questions a woman should ask her perspective spouse.  I would check them out.

I'll post a reply to it to throw it back to the top of the Women's section.

Angela:

I'm sorry.  You made assumptions about me, I've made assumptions about you.  Both were wrong.  You seem to assume that I'm not American, well I am.  I too have studied many faiths and cultures... and lived around the world.  I reverted... not from knowing any Muslims, but from simply reading the Qur'an back when I was 12.  Meeting actual Muslims has been the worst and best thing for my faith.  LOL 

I've also been active in AIDS-prevention since 1986.  I've had many friends die.  As I've said before, I do not disagree with you that AIDS can be spread through heterosexual sex... nor of the gravity of the situation in India, Africa, and the rest of the world.  I applaud the fact that they are now trying to manufacture their own drugs--so that they are no longer at the mercy of US pharma companies (one of whom I used to work for). 

My only point in posting (which had to regarding the topic of this thread) that you can't necessarily believe what somebody tells you... regarding their sexuality or virginity, for that matter.  The issue that we face here in the US right now is that men, particularly in the African-American community, are having homosexual relationships but not disclosing them to their heterosexual partners.  Thus, the serious risk to African-American women (or I should say, whomever their partners are)--lets not forget, that a good portion of Muslimahs in the United States are AFrican-American.  These men themselves do not consider themselves gay, regardless of the behavior, so when questioned if they are gay, they say no.  There is a giant-stigma of being gay in the AFrican-American community similar to that among Muslims and Latinos.  (And the LDS community as well, from what I've been told by friends.)  That stigma can kill.  If you're in a Netflix type of mood, why not rent the movie, "Touch of Pink."  Perhaps you'll understand what I'm talking about.  Gay Muslim men are rarely out.  Most marry unknowing women... and continue to have affairs.  That is my point.  There is such a certainty that homosexuality does not exist among Muslims, that many people ignore this fact.

No matter who you are marrying, regardless of what they have told you, you should require an AIDS test as well as an STD profile.  For your own sake.  He may not have AIDS, but other STDs can seriously affect your fertility... as well as increase your risk of cervical cancer.

Peace.

Somebody asked about questions to ask your potential spouse... there are a few good books of questions that you can ask somebody to learn more about them.  Here are some I'd include.  If your backgrounds are more dissimilar, I'd probe further... as cultural expectations can really vary.  Don't forget that your nikkah can include whatever you want it to... so if you agree that it is O.K. for you to work or do whatever.. put that in! 

It's sometimes a good idea to answer these separately... that way, people are more likely to be honest.

Note: these are ones I often use with women who plan to revert/marry at the same time (which in general, i don't recommend)

1)Have you read the entire Qur'an yet?

2) Have you read a collection of Sahih ahadith yet?

For both, what passages or ahadith did you question or wonder
about? I wouldn't revert until you've done both... even if you
never managed to read through the Bible as a Christian.

Do you have Muslim friends?

Have you met his family? Or at least spoken to them?? Do they accept that their son wants to marry an American and a revert? What about his friends?

If planning to move someplace to live with your husband, have you ever visited?? What did you think?

Has your family met him? Do they know you want to marry him? Do they know you want to convert? How would they feel if you started
wearing hijab? How would they feel if their grandchildren had
Muslim names? Do you want your son to have your father's middle
name some day?? Do you know that it is unlikely your husband would
agree to that... both because it is not a Muslim name and Egyptian
Naming Standards... First Name, Husband's Name (Even if it's a
girl), Grandfather's Name, Great-Grandfather's Name. How would you
feel if your daughter's middle name was your husband's name?

If you are a revert, What about Christmas, Easter, and Birthdays? Will you still celebrate with your family? Will you and your husband allow your family to give your kids Christmas gifts and Easter baskets...or is
that strictly forbidden? How will you deal with Christmas?

Do you have a Wali? Please do not proceed in marriage without one.
You need to find somebody who will stand up for your rights
Islamically. A lot of times, in my community, we pair new converts
with Muslim Mentor families. The father of the family then acts as
the Wali.

Have your friends met him? What do your non-Muslim and Muslim
friends think of him?? What is his reputation in the community?

Have you discussed your mahr/dowry? Is it realistic from both standpoints.  If you needed to re-establish yourself, could you with this amount of money.

Do you understand the implications of your husband's home country's  custody laws on your children? Does he understand your country's custody laws and divorce laws as well?( For example, in Egypt, the courts may grant you custody if they are under a certain age, but your husband can prevent you from taking them out
of the country.)

What does your husband feel your duties are as his wife? What do you feel they are? (Think about things as basic as cooking. We
Americans tend to eat out a lot... Egyptians, for example, do not. Can you really see yourself preparing breakfast, lunch, and dinner seven
days per week?)

Do you have friends (from work/school) of the opposite sex? How
would your husband feel if you were in contact with them once you
are married?

Hijab... does your husband expect you to wear it once you marry?
What about clothing... is O.K. with modest Western-style clothing or
does he expect you to wear Arab- or Asian-styled clothing? Will he let you wear pants/jeans/make-up?? (Note: What you do know (and his
reaction)... may be very different when you are married... and when
you visit his family.)

What about work, school, etc.? Be sure to put things like that in
your marriage contract.

If you plan to move to another country with your spouse, and your husband gets a job with a typical salary... how often can you realistically expect to visit the States?

Have you discussed 4:34? Domestic Violence is a problem
everywhere... but note, that in most Muslim countries it is not a
crime and is prevalent. Even though Islam puts limitations on the
force and what situations it can occur in... those limits are rarely
kept.

If you've ever had a pet dog, note that most Muslims do not own dogs as pets. Those who do, keep them strictly outside and strictly as guard dogs/working dogs. They are not seen as "Members of the
Family" by most.

Are you used to having maids, cooks, etc. Will you be able to continue to live that way once you marry?

Can you continue your education? How far? Is it OK for you to work at your profession... what limitations, if any.  (Like some guys want you to stop working once kids come.)

How would your husband feel if you made more money than he did?

Does he pray? How often?  What about you? (Please be honest.)

How much Qur'an have each of you memorized?

Would you send your kids to an Islamic school... why/why not/depends on quality of academics?

Would you require your daughters to wear hijab? If so, at what age?

How does he feel about your family? How do you feel about his?

How neat or messy are you... no really. :) (Ask family members about this)

Have you ever lived with a roommate? If yes, what did that other person do that annoyed you?

Have you ever lived apart from your parents? How did that go... financially, emotionally, etc.

Where do you want to live? Would you ever move away from your family?

What type of lifestyle do you aspire to?

What charity work do you do...or hope to do?  Do you pay zakat?

Talk about budgets... as well as how much money he feels is an adequate allowance.

How do you feel about car loans, mortgages, credit cards, etc.

How many kids do you want? Are you OK with IVF? What about adopting if we can't have them ourselves (or in addition to having kids ourselves)?

Who do you expect to spend holidays with... (Sometimes people assume all holidays will always be spent with their family)

How would you feel about one or both sets of our parents living with us when they are old?

How do you react when you are mad? Do you tend to want to resolve things quickly... or wait for things to die down? Silent treatment or a talker? (Ask friends about this)

Would you conisder premarital counseling?

What are your favorite foods? What foods can't you stand? (Ex...I hate fish, my husband loves it.  So... should I still cook it, should he have to go out for it, etc.)

Do you exercise? How do you feel about a woman going to a womans only gym... what about a mixed gym? What about swimming pools and the beach?

Did you grow up with Sisters? Did you ever have a girlfriend?

Have you ever been engaged before? What happened?

What worries you about me... what you know of me so far?

Can bring up politics as well... but if you'd like somebody to debate with, then maybe you don't want to agree on everythign :)

How much will you be willing to help around the house?  Are you OK with my having one day or afternoon off per week when we have kids?  How do you feel about nannys, baby sitters, etc.?

Do you expect our kids to only have Muslim friends?

Just a few to think about.  I have more, but no time to type.  Sorry :)

Assalamu Alaikum:

One other one that I'd add (that is important)..

what couple's marriage in our community do you admire? would you be willing to ask them to mentor us during our first few years of marriage?? (Ideally, not somebody you're related because they tend to take sides.)

Also,

Ask about wills... do you agree with the Islamic concept of wills? How would you take care of me should you die and our kids were still young?

ARe you a saver or a spender?

Regarding the IVF/adopting/can't have kids... be sure to ask two ways... one if the medical issue was with me, the other with you... I've found out that guys who may not have been so hot about adoption suddenly think it's a good idea when their equipment has the issues.  If there is a discrepency... ask why the difference?

Also...be sure to ask about family expectations regarding who you marry... both sides.  Can be very difficult to live with if you are not the xyz-speaking girl that they always wanted their son to marry.  Even if he has no issues with it.

If you have interfaith friends, ask if it is OK for you to attend church, synogogue, temple with them if they asked.  What if it's for a wedding or baptism?

Also...look for books that deal with situation questions (there used to be a game called Scruples that did this)...  "What would you do if... "

-you found out that our daughter was no longer a virgin?

-Allah(swt) gave you a choice.  You could either live another one year and know the time of your death or live at least ten years and not know when you would die.  Which would you prefer, why?

-If you don't wear hijab.. .if I decided to wear hijab.  If you do, I decided to take it off.

-You found out that I was no longer praying.  Would it matter why?  How would you help me to get back on track?  How would you deal if you found out your husband was no longer praying?

-you won a million dollars?

-you knew that you could do this xyz and not be caught.  Would you do it?

umsami wrote: Angela: I'm sorry.  You made assumptions about me, I've made assumptions about you.  Both were wrong.  You seem to assume that I'm not American, well I am.  I too have studied many faiths and cultures... and lived around the world.  I reverted... not from knowing any Muslims, but from simply reading the Qur'an back when I was 12.  Meeting actual Muslims has been the worst and best thing for my faith.  LOL

I actually did assume you were American.  Most foreigners don't know enough about LDS to pick up on Joseph or missionaries.  BTW, If you are ever bugged by LDS Missionaries, just to let all you ladies know.  They are not supposed to teach Muslims.  Not all the young men know this because it doesn't come up to often.  If you kindly let them know you are Muslim and they cannot teach you, 99% of them will leave you in peace.  (There's always that 1% that are idiots. LOL)

But, I'm here to build bridges.  Thank you for giving me a chance. 

Thanks for the information too.

ak_m_f wrote: To all the Non muslims, stop funding Salman's India right now. see it choke before your eyes today.

Nah Ak,

I have to many HINDU friends in India, not to love that country.  But, then again, Lakshmi ran away with an American boy and got married to avoid an arranged marriage and Purvi is here...as are the Patels.  Hey, I guess I don't need to help....I mean, they are getting all our jobs anyway right???