Asalamu Alaikum,

I dont even know where to begin.  My husband and I have known eachother for almost 12 years and have been married for almost 10.  We are expecting our first baby in less than two months.  A few months ago, my husband lost his job and was out of work for two months, and he had no income whasoever.  Alhamdulillah my husband was able to find an excellent job and is now working, although we were forced to move to another city for the job.  I had been working part time and used the money I had saved for the baby to pay some of our bills during the time my husband wasnt working.

My husband has been having problems with his mother for some time now.  She is still married and her husband gives her a VERY large amount of money to live on every month (she has lived away from her husband for many years to accompany her two daughters at college), plus her rent is paid for in addition to that.  She doesnt know what her son makes for a salary, but has been demanding that he pay her $1000 a month for support...she began calling and asking for this the VERY FIRST DAY he started his new job.  When they talk on the phone, the ONLY thing she talks about is money (that she doenst have any), or about her husband (my husbands father).  She never asks about our baby, she never asks her son how his life is going- this hurts my husband so much.  She continuously slanders me and her son, accusing us of doing things we didnt do- I have not done anything bad to her, but she doesnt accept me because Im American, and I also believe she is envious of me (she has told my husband that he treats me better than he treats her, and gives me all his money to spend, which is completely untrue, and very hurtful to me- she doesnt even live near us to know how he treats me).  She has done many things to me that have hurt me very deeply, and I have always been nice to her since day 1.  Over the last year or two, she has really crossed the line and we no longer speak.  I am a very honest person and was raised with strong morals, which makes this so hard to deal with.  I dont feel singled out though, because she has problems with many people, and lots of family members.  Unfortunately, she is known as the family trouble-maker.

He comes to me for advice, but I tell him that I am the wrong person to ask.  I tell him to send what he can afford.  I can tell you that he cannot afford to send her $1000 each month...he told her that he will send her $500 starting in August when we get caught up on our bills (from him not working).  In addition, he is paying for a $5000 credit card she took out so she could have elective laser eye surgery.  She wouldnt accept his offer and stopped speaking to him (this is the second time this happened- she stopped speaking to him for 9 months the last time he told her he couldnt afford $1000 a month for her about a year and a half ago).  Currently we have our existing home in our old city up for sale, but we still have to make payments on it until it is sold.  In this new city, we are having to stay in an extended stay hotel until our new home is ready to move into.  The hotel is the cheapest we could find and its dirty and in an unsafe area and not the kind of place anyone wants to stay, but we have to.  My mother in law doesnt try to understand what we are going through, and refuses to accept what her son is telling her.  Plus I am more than 7 months pregnant and we havent bought anything for the baby yet...so we still have that expense ahead of us.  My parents have been a big help to us in that they will pay for the baby furniture and a lot of the clothing.

So is my husband required to give his mother money, even though she doesnt need it?  Even though she doesnt care about us at all and treats us badly?  I dont expect that she will acknowledge her grand daughter when she is born, since she never has asked about her.  She always claims she needs money, yet she drives a Mercedes, lives in a very expensive area of Beirut, buys expensive jewelry, and for example even spent $250 on face creams when she went shopping with her son during his last visit.  My husbands two sisters have college degrees and havent made an effort to work at all.  I would think that if their mother was really desperate for money they would also make an effort to help her too.  They say its only the sons responsibility to help his parents, which I disagree with.  Islam doesnt differentiate between sons and daughters in this aspect.  Yet my mother in law has to audacity to tell my husband that I should be working full time...what so I can pay some of our expenses so he can afford to send her more money?  That doesnt make sense at all...my responsibility is to my husband, child, and my own parents, not to her.

How do we get through this?  How does my husband deal with his mother when she is being so cruel?  Should he send her money even if she is mean to him and wont speak to him?  He is ready to cut her out of his life, but I told him this is the wrong thing to do.

I don't think he should cut her out of his life, but it sounds like he's put his foot down which is good.  He just needs to let his mother know that he has a child to be responisble for and that he cannot pay her money to live like a queen when his wife and child are waiting for a home.  I know what its like to deal with a difficult InLaw, mine is my Father in Law.  We are told by God to honor our parents.  However,   that doesn't mean pay for them to drive a Mercedes and buy $250 facial cream.  Focus on the Baby and keep faith.  Things are going to change very soon for you and your husband. 

Perhaps we Sisters can help with the other things.  Do you know if you're having a boy or a girl?  Perhaps we can help by sending you some little things.  Like a long distance baby shower?

What do you think ladies????  http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNfox000">

Asalamu Alaikum

God bless you for being so kind Angela.  Unfortunately we dont even have an address at this time, until we move into the house in about a month or so.  I really appreciate your kindness, its such a giving gesture :)

I keep telling my husband he should be proud of himself for coming such a long way without any help from his parents (they didnt even have to pay for his college since he had a scholarship).  Everything we have is from our own money we both made by working hard.  I wish his sisters would be more fair in all of this, but they have never had to lift a finger to do anything- and they are afraid to tell their mother when she is wrong...but being respectful to your mother shouldnt mean you have to always stay quiet when she does things that are very wrong. 

One of them came to live in the US with her husband, chose to live in CA of all places (her husband didnt have a job there to go to, they just wanted to live there even though its unbelievably expensive), had a baby, and they are still being supported by their parents.  They are both college grads and should be able to support themselves after 4 years of marriage.  Now two years after their move they are complaining that they want to move out of CA because its so expensive...even though we advised them against living there in the first place.  They had told us recently they want to come stay with us until they get settled here in the city we live in...with no regards to the fact we dont even have a home yet, and that they are choosing to come at a very hectic time with us moving and having a new baby... and my parents are already coming to visit and help when the baby is born.  My SIL hadn't called me in ages and ages, then suddenly calls out of the blue and wants advice on where to live over here...does she think Im stupid?  Why do they only call me when they need something??  The same thing happened when they initially moved to the US...they came and lived with us for a few months, we helped them tremendously in everything they had to do, then we moved away to Saudi Arabia and I never heard from my SILs...they never even called me to see how Im adjusting to Saudi.  I even taught my SIL how to run her own home based business which is what she wanted, got her all set up and everything...and she basically did a couple of days worth of work and stopped.  Last year I had three surgeries, one of them back surgery, and a miscarriage, and no one called me to see how I am doing.  It's so frustrating for us- my husband feels they are very spoiled.  Still Ive been nice to them, even though I feel like screaming sometimes- I just hold it in.  Am I wrong to be so upset?  I keep saying to my husband,  lets just concentrate on our happiness, our new baby, and our life together that we built all by ourselves.  Sorry, but I just feel like venting today.  I needed to let it out to someone because I feel like out of respect I have to hold all of my frustration in.  I pray that God can give me the ability to get over this bitterness I feel.

Salamu Ailikum Sister!

I think your husband should speand some time with his mother, togetehr alone and speak. I think he should open his heart to her. She may shout at the beginnign and protest and everything, but I think he ought to tell her exactly how he feels, calmly and honestly.

He should tell her that he is hurt at the way the family is not really nice you to you or him and the baby. He should explain as well that he cannot afford it. For me, this is only cultural. I think the mother seems very spoilt and she probably think that all poeple in America are rich and can afford to send her a lot of money.

I think he should ask her why and if there is a problem.

I am an Arab and I heard many mnay times of problems between the wife of the mother of the husband. This is common in Arab countries, especially when they live in the same house. Don't feel singled out because you are not lebanese.

You will make friends inshAllah and they will become your family.

But I think this is important your husband speaks and opens his heart and says that he is hurt and ask why they are having this behaviour. I think this is better if you stay out of this as much as possible, so that they do not say that everyhting comes from you.

Good luck and trust Allah!

I feel so bad for you. I think his mother has never had to work and is very spoiled and has a misguided view of how things are in the USA and in life in general. Your husband is going to have to be honest with her and pretty frank. I do not think trying to talk to her nice or being kind and explaining will help. I think he needs to state how you are living at this time. That he was out of work and is just now getting back on his feet and that you had to use the money you saved for your wonderful daughter just to make ends meet. I think he needs to let her know firmly but kindly how life  is for the both of you right now. Then someone needs to explain to her that spending $250 on face cream is OUTRAGEOUS! She needs to grow up a little and see how the majority of people live.  You cannot be the one to do this because this is not your mother and she is not respecting you at all. Your husband also needs to put his foot down about you being his wife and she has to respect you, period. You are carrying her grandchild.

Also, I just had my own little girl 8 weeks ago. His sister wanting to come and live with you is absurd! It is hard enough to have to be pregnant, give birth and then adjust for the first month. He needs to tell his sister that there is no way for you all to have them come and stay with you right now. It just isn't possible. Please do not let her come. My birth mother came to "help" me because I had a C-Section. I ended up waiting on her hand and foot while she was here. It made my life with my new baby hell! Do not let anyone come until well after you are recovered and can bond and spend time with your precious daughter. This is you and your husbands time, no one elses. His sister has a husband, let him take care of her, that is HIS job not your husbands.

After you get setteled, PM us and give us your address (better yet, get a p.o. box and just give your first name and last innital)  and we can send you some things. Just make a list of what you need and we will see what we can do. Take help when it is offered too.

God help you,

Lameese

Lameese wrote: After you get setteled, PM us and give us your address (better yet, get a p.o. box and just give your first name and last innital)  and we can send you some things. Just make a list of what you need and we will see what we can do. Take help when it is offered too.

That's a good idea.  For safety's sake.  There is also Target and Walmart baby registries....she could set it up and then just let us all know the account.  We can buy the stuff in our home towns and she can pick it up at her local walmart or Target.

The problem with that is you have to give your name and for us to get it we would have to know her name. It would be better if she could do that for herself, get a copy, take her name off of it and scan it and send it to us, so we know what she needs.

That's possible...I just played around and set up a baby registry with a fake name but my real info.....the address is not shown, but she will have to put arrival city and state.....

http://www.walmart.com - http://www.walmart.com

Look for Jane Smith, Provo Utah, arrival date, January 1, 2007

See if you can get my address and full real name from that site.

Lameese-  Mabrook!  Congrats on your little girl :)  Unfortunately he has stated a million times to her how our situation has been and she refuses to accept it.  She says if he really cared he would find a way.  And in fact she doesnt believe what he tells her most of the time...she told him she wants to see his offer letter from his new job so she can see what his salary is because she doesnt believe him.

Well sisters, my husband doesnt want to sit down and talk to his mother about his feelings because he says she just blows up on him and it makes the problem a million times worse.  But I think this lack of communication is part of the problem...how is she supposed to know how she is making him feel if he never tells her?  He is just trying to ignore things, but I see him suffering.  She just doesnt act like a mother, unfortunately. 

The last time he visited with her last fall, she spent a lot of time telling him lies about me...for example when he asked her why she was spending so much on face creams (when she says she doesnt have money), her response was that the last time she and I were shopping together I, his wife, did the same thing.  It is a totally made up story she told him...a complete lie.  She also told him that she bought me a pair of sunglasses and I never thanked her...I bought the sunglasses, she didnt.  She accuses me of taking money from my husband and sending it to my parents..which has never happened.  These kinds of things are just MINOR examples of what she has said to my husband.  Its so shocking!  And its not like shes old and doesnt remember...shes only in her 50's.  She has malicious intentions against me and it makes me feel very sad.  I never did anything bad to her to deserve this...all I did was marry her son and I guess thats enough for her.

At this point, my in-laws are not speaking due to their own problems, but my father in law is still supporting his wife even though she doesnt talk to him.  She is putting my husband in the middle and telling him to lie to his father about certain things so that her husband will send her more money.  She has been traveling between the US and middle east and her husband doesnt even know.  My father in law gave her the money to pay off her $5000 credit card (the eye surgery one I mentioned before) and she kept the money and is making her son pay the bill instead (she never told him she got the money for it, he found out from his dad).  Its really horrible.  There is no honesty.  What is my husband to do?  When he refuses to lie or questions anything she does, she goes hysterical and accuses him of abandoning her and tells him what a great sin it is to not stand up with his mother.  She has said some pretty hateful things to him in anger, like she hopes he fails at his job, that she wishes she never had a son because daughters will always be closer to their mother, she has called both of us very bad names during their conversations, etc, etc.  As bad as all this sounds, its actually worse!

It will interesting to see if she changes at all when her grand daughter is born.  I am not expecting it.  If I ever see her again, I really want to sit down and talk to her about how she has hurt me, but my husband keeps telling me that she will never understand, so dont bother.  I just dont know what to do...it causes my husband so much stress and I hate seeing him like that.  He is always upset after he speaks to her.  Ive asked him not to talk to me about her because its not my business, but he brings her up anyway because he has no one else to talk to about it.  How do we get out of this dilemma?

Thank you sisters for the idea about the registry :)

Jazakallahkhair

222dnallohc,

Dear sister, know you're in our prayers.  Focus on the little blessing that is about to arrive and know that she's got a loving father and mother to care for her.  I know its hard, but focus on the positive. 

When I was married, my father in law and one of my three brother in laws hated me.  I wasn't Mormon, I was liberal, democrat and from the east.  I didn't "know my place" and they let Mathew know they didn't approve.

Now, they are loving but still distant.  Its taken 5 years of work and 1.5 years living under the same roof.  (I tell you, living with 6 men is pure HELL.....especially with no other female relatives in my husbands family at the time.)

Marriage mellowed out my brother in law, time softened my father in law.  Its not perfect.  We still have our differences, but we focus on the good and not the bad. 

It sounds like your MIL is well known for her behavior in the family.  Share your husband's grief but inspire him to focus on his new child.

God Bless you and Keep you,

Angela

"When filled with God's love, we can do and see and understand things that we could not otherwise do or see or understand. Filled with His love, we can endure pain, quell fear, forgive freely, avoid contention, renew strength, and bless and help others in ways surprising even to us."

As salamu alaikum,

Congratulatins sister!!  Since you're having a girl, how about naming her "Abeer." Ok ok, I had to try.

It is the son's responsibility to take care of his parents.  That is why zakat cannot be given to parents (only sadaqa can).  However, Allah places no burden on a soul that it cannot bear.  Your husband rizk is determined by Allah ta'la.  He should give his mother what he is able to.  If that's only $500, then so be it.  His other brothers should be helping as well.  If they don't Allah will ask them about this on the day of judgement.  Even if your mother-in-law has a horrible attitude and is very demanding and selfish, she's still his mother.  He still has to respect her, be dutiful to her, and treat her with kindess.  Allah will bless him and you .  I must say, I'm glad my mom isn't like that.

As far as you getting a job, don't do it unless you want to.  And even then YOUR MONEY IS YOURS.  You don't have to pay bills, buy pampers etc.  Put it in the bank, invest it, do whatever you like.  (if you're as crazy as I am about babies you won't be able to resist the baby shops so kiss your money goodbye).

My brother isn't rich and has a family of his own and my mother has her own money.  But still, he sends her money.  He also sends money for my sisters and me as well.  Why?  Because it's his responsibility in front of Allah azza wa jalla.   Sadaqa to family is Sadaqatain.  Not mention I babysat all of his kids for free.

Stay strong sister, In sha allah, things will get easier for you.  Think on the bright side, your mother -in-law is in Lebenon not the States.  Again, congratulations.  Try not to get to upset over all this drama.  Remember, the baby feels everything that mommy feels.  So try to think positive happy thoughts.

Salaam

222dnallohc wrote: Lameese-  Mabrook!  Congrats on your little girl :)  Unfortunately he has stated a million times to her how our situation has been and she refuses to accept it.  She says if he really cared he would find a way.  And in fact she doesnt believe what he tells her most of the time...she told him she wants to see his offer letter from his new job so she can see what his salary is because she doesnt believe him. Well sisters, my husband doesnt want to sit down and talk to his mother about his feelings because he says she just blows up on him and it makes the problem a million times worse.  But I think this lack of communication is part of the problem...how is she supposed to know how she is making him feel if he never tells her?  He is just trying to ignore things, but I see him suffering.  She just doesnt act like a mother, unfortunately.  The last time he visited with her last fall, she spent a lot of time telling him lies about me...for example when he asked her why she was spending so much on face creams (when she says she doesnt have money), her response was that the last time she and I were shopping together I, his wife, did the same thing.  It is a totally made up story she told him...a complete lie.  She also told him that she bought me a pair of sunglasses and I never thanked her...I bought the sunglasses, she didnt.  She accuses me of taking money from my husband and sending it to my parents..which has never happened.  These kinds of things are just MINOR examples of what she has said to my husband.  Its so shocking!  And its not like shes old and doesnt remember...shes only in her 50's.  She has malicious intentions against me and it makes me feel very sad.  I never did anything bad to her to deserve this...all I did was marry her son and I guess thats enough for her. At this point, my in-laws are not speaking due to their own problems, but my father in law is still supporting his wife even though she doesnt talk to him.  She is putting my husband in the middle and telling him to lie to his father about certain things so that her husband will send her more money.  She has been traveling between the US and middle east and her husband doesnt even know.  My father in law gave her the money to pay off her $5000 credit card (the eye surgery one I mentioned before) and she kept the money and is making her son pay the bill instead (she never told him she got the money for it, he found out from his dad).  Its really horrible.  There is no honesty.  What is my husband to do?  When he refuses to lie or questions anything she does, she goes hysterical and accuses him of abandoning her and tells him what a great sin it is to not stand up with his mother.  She has said some pretty hateful things to him in anger, like she hopes he fails at his job, that she wishes she never had a son because daughters will always be closer to their mother, she has called both of us very bad names during their conversations, etc, etc.  As bad as all this sounds, its actually worse! It will interesting to see if she changes at all when her grand daughter is born.  I am not expecting it.  If I ever see her again, I really want to sit down and talk to her about how she has hurt me, but my husband keeps telling me that she will never understand, so dont bother.  I just dont know what to do...it causes my husband so much stress and I hate seeing him like that.  He is always upset after he speaks to her.  Ive asked him not to talk to me about her because its not my business, but he brings her up anyway because he has no one else to talk to about it.  How do we get out of this dilemma? Thank you sisters for the idea about the registry :) Jazakallahkhair

Thank you!

Your MIL is a bit of a mental case, and I mean that seriously. Your husband is going to have to get hard where she is concerned. She is a master manipulator and has raised him this way. So, in a way he is kind of like her enabler. He needs to start standing up for you and himself. When she said all those lies about you he needs to stand up there and then and tell her that he will not tolerate this. Further, he needs to tell her he is not sending her the money and he is not lying for her again. She knows how to work him because she gave birth to him and raised him. The next thing he needs to do it to tell his father what is happening. He will have more control over her (not in a bad way) to make her stop this. This will show her that there are no "secrets" and that what she is doing is going to be exposed every time she tries to do it. And in reality she needs him more then he needs her. Your husband is the one she is manipulating and the one that cares and listens. He has to break this cycle with her because if not this will continue for the rest of your lives.

Also, she will start to do this with your daughter. Do you want your daughter to hear lies about you? Do you want your daughter manipulated? This woman is childish and selfish and has a skewed view of reality.  If your husband stands his ground, no matter how bad it is going to be, it will change his mothers attitude and behavior towards him and yourself. In the end she is not going to want to loose her son. It is kind of a behavior modification. I know this is his mother and this is going to be hard and awful but it needs to be done. His mother is not going to change her behavior unless he changes his towards her when she gets in her mood and is manipulative. I feel sorry for both of you. But he decided to take a wife and he needs to stand up for you. In the end you will be the one that is by his side and the mother of his children. He is now a father and a dad, not just a husband anymore.........Also, his father needs to know what is happening. It is his dad and he needs to tell him. I bet your husband would learn a lot about his mother from his father.

Take care and get a mailbox! :)

Lameese

ak_m_f wrote: amah wrote: ak_m_f wrote: Whats MIL? Monster-in-law. aahh... girls and their slangs.........

Don't worry I was clueless in the beginning as you were  

Thank you for all the responses :)

MIL= mother in law (although it can also mean monster in law too I guess!)

I feel so sorry for my husband.  He has always stood up for me, and never believes any of the stories she makes up.  He told his mother last night how she is making him feel (about not asking about the baby), and she proceeded to make up additional stories about me, accuse me of not really being a Muslim, told him I ate pork in front of her, and said some pretty nasty words to him that I cant even repeat here.  I told him I dont want to know the bad things she said.  Basically she said she does not accept our marriage (even though we have been married for 10 years almost) and that she doesnt accept her grand daughter either.  Now I know why he didnt want to talk to her about it...because I think he knew what she was going to say and he just didnt want to hear it.

I feel very sorry for this woman...I really do believe now she is a sick person and needs help.  I have to keep remembering that what she does is between her and Allah...she will have to answer for it some day.  Ive decided to give up trying to find a solution, because there is no solution.  I will continue to keep my distance, but encourage my husband to send whatever money he thinks he can afford each month, and continue talking to her.  I think if he just keeps all his conversations with her focused on HER and nothing else, she will be happier and will leave me alone inshAllah.  All I need to know is if she ever makes any threats against me or our baby, she hasnt yet, because if she does I WILL take some kind of legal action to protect us.  I often fear that thats what this may come to eventually....its scary.  My husband did confide in me about a couple of very physically abusive incidents that happened to him when he was a child around 9 or 10, things his mother did.  So I always have that in the back of my mind...she is capable of physically hurting someone.

Our little girl will have a wonderful grandmother, my mom, who is so excited about her arrival.  Shes been more of a mother to my husband lately in all the hard times he has been through...while his own mother wasnt there for him emotionally in any way, even when he was on medical disability for three months last year, and even when he lost his job because of it...she didnt act like she even cared.

I am going to try my very best to put this situation behind me and stop stressing about it, its hard to do, but we are very happy together and our lives will be even more full of joy when our daughter arrives. 

amah wrote: Abeer, I definitely plan to name my daughter "Abeer" (Insha Allah if I have one).

Allahuakbar You've made my day sister Amah

Salam

Actually, I have to defend Muslima here. I have not known one woman who was Arab or was not Arab that her mother in law was good to her. My mother in law treats me wonderful, but I have never met her and she lives in the ME. I wonder if it would be a different story if I met her and stayed with them.

Your mother in law is probably only a handful of women who is smart enough to realize that the woman is the husbands wife and going to be mother of his children. I know many, many, many women arab and non-arab married to Arab men who's mothers treat them bad. Never once did any one of these women say that their mother in law was good or even kind to them.

Lameese

it is sad whenever there are such unnecessary, human made problems and heartaches caused by people! You would think that with al lthe real struggles in life your MIL would focus on doing GOOD. Uggh. Go help the poor and indigent for heavens sake! There a people like that all over, no culture or religion has a monopoly. *My sister's in-laws for example.  

Clearly your MIL has deeper problems than any one can change.

Do let us know about what we can do for your internet baby shower, once you get settled.

Moona, Salam sister!

I am sure there are some good women but to be honest, I think this is common to see problems bertween the wife and the mother inlaw. Since i am small, I always heard the womwn in my family talking about nasty mother-in-laws. I do not think Arab women are nastier than others but there are some economical problems and people live in the same house. This is hard to have once privacy and I think this is what creates problems. Also vetween the wives of the sons, either for jealousy or else.

I wish you all the best anyway.

Salam sister!

222,

When I read your story, it sounds like it's coming out of my mouth.  I have been married almost 4 years, and I live with my in-laws.  Yep, live with them in one home, with a separate apartment (that my husband and I share).  My MIL is a lot like yours, except much more manipulative.  She plays everyone in family against each other, and causes a lot of problems but always pretends she's the victim and she didn't mean to hurt anyone.  She used to try to wash my clothes, but I had my husband put a stop to that.  She still cleans out my garbage, waters my plants, and does other things my husband repeatedly tells her not to do, and she always try to lure him to her kitchen with food and coffee and silly things.

I feel the pain you feel when you see how much your husband has to suffer because of his own mother - it's one of the hardest things I've experienced.  I think (if you're like me) you wish you could help him, but you just don't know what to say or how to say it.  We've started to see a counselor to help us deal with how hard she makes our life, and I'd like to share some things that might help you.  First, you don't have to live near her, so please thank Allah profusely for your fortune - many aren't so lucky.

Next, one thing our counselor told us that's helped me tremendously is that you (and I) are a part of the family - like it or not.  That doesn't mean get on the phone and yell at your MIL, but it does mean that your opinions matter, at least as far as your husband is concerned.  Your husband should hear them (and you should be respectful giving them).  Just because she's not YOUR mother doesn't mean that you don't have a say.

Also, make sure that you and your husband are a united front.  I always had the problem (and still do, a little bit ) that my husband would put his foot down with his mother, and she would come to me and I would give in because I want her to like me.  Don't do it.  You may not have to be in that situation, but take it from someone in your boat - if you are, be careful.  People like our MIL's look for ways to divide and conquer - they only want to get their way.

One last thing.  I don't have children (yet), but it sounds to me like you need to put your foot down with your husband in providing for his family.  You and your child(ren) should be his main concern.  What's left after (as far as money and time and emotions) can go to mom, and not the other way around.  Your child shouldn't come second to anyone in the world.  That doesn't mean that he should drop her and forget she's alive.  It just means that he took a wife, and you both decided to have children, and there are consequences involved like diapers and baby food. 

She doesn't have to like you (just as my MIL doesn't like me), but if you're respectful to her and try your best, Allah will see this all.  And by the way, another lesson I have a hard time learning is that just because you're respectful doesn't mean you should let people walk all over you.  Be strong, sister, and may Allah help ease the burden I know you feel on your heart.

May Allah bless your sins dear brides,

When you will reach to their ages you will understand what a mistake you made then will begin to cry trying to turn back and saying it's my turn,i did to my MIL and now me seeing the same things from my son's bride with understanding what a bad thing you did in the past...i know the story and it's end,no way to escape if you made a mistake like that,you value the issue from an absent perspective,you will see the whole perspective when you become a MIL but it will be too late to correct,you know time has no mercy and these kind of issues beside Allah has no exception,sharp price it includes....

017.023
YUSUFALI: Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of Honor. 
017.024
YUSUFALI: And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: "My Lord! bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood." 
017.025
YUSUFALI: Your Lord knoweth best what is in your hearts: If ye do deeds of righteousness, verily He is Most Forgiving to those who turn to Him again and again (in true penitence).
017.026
YUSUFALI: And render to the kindred their due rights, as (also) to those in want, and to the wayfarer: But squander not (your wealth) in the manner of a spendthrift.
017.027
YUSUFALI: Verily spendthrifts are brothers of the Evil Ones; and the Evil One is to his Lord (himself) ungrateful.
017.028
YUSUFALI: And even if thou hast to turn away from them in pursuit of the Mercy from thy Lord which thou dost expect, yet speak to them a word of easy kindness.
017.029
YUSUFALI: Make not thy hand tied (like a niggard's) to thy neck, nor stretch it forth to its utmost reach, so that thou become blameworthy and destitute.
017.030
YUSUFALI: Verily thy Lord doth provide sustenance in abundance for whom He pleaseth, and He provideth in a just measure. For He doth know and regard all His servants.
017.031
YUSUFALI: Kill not your children for fear of want: We shall provide sustenance for them as well as for you. Verily the killing of them is a great sin.
017.032
YUSUFALI: Nor come nigh to adultery: for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils).
017.033
YUSUFALI: Nor take life - which Allah has made sacred - except for just cause. And if anyone is slain wrongfully, we have given his heir authority (to demand qisas or to forgive): but let him not exceed bounds in the matter of taking life; for he is helped (by the Law).
017.034
YUSUFALI: Come not nigh to the orphan's property except to improve it, until he attains the age of full strength; and fulfil (every) engagement, for (every) engagement will be enquired into (on the Day of Reckoning).
017.035
YUSUFALI: Give full measure when ye measure, and weigh with a balance that is straight: that is the most fitting and the most advantageous in the final determination.
017.036
YUSUFALI: And pursue not that of which thou hast no knowledge; for every act of hearing, or of seeing or of (feeling in) the heart will be enquired into (on the Day of Reckoning).
017.037
YUSUFALI: Nor walk on the earth with insolence: for thou canst not rend the earth asunder, nor reach the mountains in height.
017.038
YUSUFALI: Of all such things the evil is hateful in the sight of thy Lord. 

222dnallohc wrote: Thank you for all the responses :) MIL= mother in law (although it can also mean monster in law too I guess!) I feel so sorry for my husband.  He has always stood up for me, and never believes any of the stories she makes up.  He told his mother last night how she is making him feel (about not asking about the baby), and she proceeded to make up additional stories about me, accuse me of not really being a Muslim, told him I ate pork in front of her, and said some pretty nasty words to him that I cant even repeat here.  I told him I dont want to know the bad things she said.  Basically she said she does not accept our marriage (even though we have been married for 10 years almost) and that she doesnt accept her grand daughter either.  Now I know why he didnt want to talk to her about it...because I think he knew what she was going to say and he just didnt want to hear it. I feel very sorry for this woman...I really do believe now she is a sick person and needs help.  I have to keep remembering that what she does is between her and Allah...she will have to answer for it some day.  Ive decided to give up trying to find a solution, because there is no solution.  I will continue to keep my distance, but encourage my husband to send whatever money he thinks he can afford each month, and continue talking to her.  I think if he just keeps all his conversations with her focused on HER and nothing else, she will be happier and will leave me alone inshAllah.  All I need to know is if she ever makes any threats against me or our baby, she hasnt yet, because if she does I WILL take some kind of legal action to protect us.  I often fear that thats what this may come to eventually....its scary.  My husband did confide in me about a couple of very physically abusive incidents that happened to him when he was a child around 9 or 10, things his mother did.  So I always have that in the back of my mind...she is capable of physically hurting someone. Our little girl will have a wonderful grandmother, my mom, who is so excited about her arrival.  Shes been more of a mother to my husband lately in all the hard times he has been through...while his own mother wasnt there for him emotionally in any way, even when he was on medical disability for three months last year, and even when he lost his job because of it...she didnt act like she even cared. I am going to try my very best to put this situation behind me and stop stressing about it, its hard to do, but we are very happy together and our lives will be even more full of joy when our daughter arrives.

Is this woman in the states? I would contact a lawyer and sue here for slander if she were:

No wonder your father in law sends her money to stay away! She should get off her kiester and get a job if she chooses to be so extranvagant. if I were your husband I would send her NOTHING,

She does not deserve it if she is slandering the fruits of her own loins.

She will answer to Allah (swt) for her disobedience. Foster relations with the FIL... Your husbands first concern should be his wife and  child, not an ungrateful and blackmailing mother.

Peace be to you and your family sister, Inshallah this woman will find another place to spend her bitterness and hatred, she will have to answer for her actions on the Last DAy.

017.023
YUSUFALI: Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of Honor. 

Suleyman wrote: Sister i do not say that the MIL acts a good thing,all i want to say is the problem should be solved in a polite way,calling the lawyer or saying that she is Monster In Law or other names are condemned as you see in the ayat,both of them should discuss the issue with the MIL in a polite way without breaking her heart,if they care this ayat then Allah will help them for solving their problems with MIL...we are all agreed on the same issue,no difference...

You are right, there should be no name calling, maybe it would be more economical for them to all live together?

I send my mother in law money monthly. She lives on $514 dollars per month. She  is Catholic. Catalina is a good woman and gets little help from her 7 children. I make good money as a nurse and my husband makes only enough to pay the bare utilities. I am putting myself through college for my master's, own the house I live in (it was mine before the marriage) and am caring for my (mentally thanks to the war in Iraq) disabled son while he exists in his own apartment, and I supplement his income when needed. He was a consciencious objector who was dc'd on a mental discharge while he was found crying inconsolably and  holding the remains of an Iraqi child outside a blown up masjid.He is a good son that does all he can for me by doing repairs on my home. I am helpin to pay for Pharmacy school this fall when my 3rd son starts, and shortly we will be helping the youngest son enter comunity college in the fall. Inshallah, we hope to make it to Haj in the next couple of years! On top of that, we help our 2 daughter with the grandchildren!  Nothing is impossible, even an impossible seeming mother in law!

Maryah wrote: She is a non believer and is Catholic.

Sorry Maryah, this is almost an oxymoron.  She's a believer in something if she's Catholic.  Perhaps, Non Muslim would be better.  It promotes more respect among the Peoples of the Book.  She would still be legal for a muslim man to marry.  She still believes in Allah, if not his Prophet. 

I don't mean to derail the thread.  Its just a minor respect issue.  You would hate for me to call a Muslim a heathen or an infidel (a bad label whoever uses it).  Please, we should all be a bit more mindful and respectful towards each other.

And, Suleyman.  You can respect your Parents without enabling them to live in an immoral or unjust way.  Yes, a man has a responsibility to his mother, but that doesn't mean he has to shower her with expensive gifts while his wife and unborn are living in a hotel without the barest necessities.  This woman is (in my opinion) stealing from her grandchildren and acting in a very greedy and undignified manner.  She should be taught a lesson.  But, the lesson should be out of love, not spite.

Angela wrote: Maryah wrote: She is a non believer and is Catholic. Sorry Maryah, this is almost an oxymoron.  She's a believer in something if she's Catholic.  Perhaps, Non Muslim would be better.  It promotes more respect among the Peoples of the Book.  She would still be legal for a muslim man to marry.  She still believes in Allah, if not his Prophet.  I don't mean to derail the thread.  Its just a minor respect issue.  You would hate for me to call a Muslim a heathen or an infidel (a bad label whoever uses it).  Please, we should all be a bit more mindful and respectful towards each other. And, Suleyman.  You can respect your Parents without enabling them to live in an immoral or unjust way.  Yes, a man has a responsibility to his mother, but that doesn't mean he has to shower her with expensive gifts while his wife and unborn are living in a hotel without the barest necessities.  This woman is (in my opinion) stealing from her grandchildren and acting in a very greedy and undignified manner.  She should be taught a lesson.  But, the lesson should be out of love, not spite.

Bismallah

Angela, are we having a bad day or what? you just chastized Suley for something he did not say. It is NOT polite to chastize someone for something he did not say. Please reread his post. He was supporting being polite to the Mother in Law?

Hope you are OK, are you seeing that specialist?

Suleyman wrote: May Allah bless your sins dear brides, When you will reach to their ages you will understand what a mistake you made then will begin to cry trying to turn back and saying it's my turn,i did to my MIL and now me seeing the same things from my son's bride with understanding what a bad thing you did in the past...i know the story and it's end,no way to escape if you made a mistake like that,you value the issue from an absent perspective,you will see the whole perspective when you become a MIL but it will be too late to correct,you know time has no mercy and these kind of issues beside Allah has no exception,sharp price it includes....

Maryah,

No, I wasn't having a bad day....this is Suleyman's response that I was commenting on....

What kind of perspective leads a person to think that its okay to demand from your son (with his pregnant wife living in a hotel) money for expensive cars, facials and clothes? 

This isn't about his Mother struggling to pay rent or buy food.  This isn't about his Mother just wanting some kind words and love from her family.  This is about a very selfish woman who is abusing her family by being selfish.  What I wanted is for Suleyman to realize that yes, we are to respect our parents, but there comes a time when you have to put your foot down.  He's asking people to see the whole perspective, but all he's seeing is the disagreement between DIL and MIL, he's not seeing the woman close to giving birth, struggling to make ends meet and having her MIL put undue stress in her life by demanding money they do not have for themselves. 

He begs for the whole picture but he's not looking at it himself.

.

.

Angela wrote: Suleyman wrote: May Allah bless your sins dear brides, When you will reach to their ages you will understand what a mistake you made then will begin to cry trying to turn back and saying it's my turn,i did to my MIL and now me seeing the same things from my son's bride with understanding what a bad thing you did in the past...i know the story and it's end,no way to escape if you made a mistake like that,you value the issue from an absent perspective,you will see the whole perspective when you become a MIL but it will be too late to correct,you know time has no mercy and these kind of issues beside Allah has no exception,sharp price it includes.... Maryah, No, I wasn't having a bad day....this is Suleyman's response that I was commenting on.... What kind of perspective leads a person to think that its okay to demand from your son (with his pregnant wife living in a hotel) money for expensive cars, facials and clothes?  This isn't about his Mother struggling to pay rent or buy food.  This isn't about his Mother just wanting some kind words and love from her family.  This is about a very selfish woman who is abusing her family by being selfish.  What I wanted is for Suleyman to realize that yes, we are to respect our parents, but there comes a time when you have to put your foot down.  He's asking people to see the whole perspective, but all he's seeing is the disagreement between DIL and MIL, he's not seeing the woman close to giving birth, struggling to make ends meet and having her MIL put undue stress in her life by demanding money they do not have for themselves.  He begs for the whole picture but he's not looking at it himself.

Sorry then I will watch my speech in the future as not to offend. I really hope you are doing well Angela, and will pray for the positive outcome that you desire. I think little people are NEAT!

Maryah

Yes, little people are neat.  I have friends with a 2 year old daughter we spent the 4th of July with....I got to hold her during the fireworks.  Maybe in two or three years, that will be my little girl.

BTW, anyone heard from 222?  Is she doing okay?

As salamu Alaykum Sister Maryah,

Angela is one of our beloved sister that none of her words can be misunderstood from our sides,no problem about her words and i see nothing wrong inside,she has the right to say what she feels deeply from her heart,all i had to say was this woman is wrong but also the way of approaching to her we made is wrong also whatever she made or not,calling a mother�s behind as a oxymoron or monster in law,should not be! and unacceptable inside of ic society,i never remember to say that this woman has right to demand whatever she wants from her son...

Angela wrote: What kind of perspective leads a person (me i think) to think that its okay to demand from your son (with his pregnant wife living in a hotel) money for expensive cars, facials and clothes? 

Again  i repeat with regarding you, no way that i support her demands but the issue is more complex rather than throwing names on her,Let�s see the perspective then:

I am trying to finding the main road between two sides,brides and mother in laws,there are some perspectives you can't understand till to arriving to your elder days this is why i can't tell my issue...but when you reach these old days,you will see things are not going on the way beside the books...this is why i wanted to say please go also from the mother in laws's perspectives that something can be realized more also waiting you on your ends as they are the mothers highly experienced with their pasts whether in this thread�s mother is good or bad, we are trying to finding general solution Rather than throwing some anger to the issue which will not help us to solve their problems,are we ready to o a hard work or let we stay here like a wind passed and gone with a anger?,if you are ready, we should solve the issue politely without breaking their hearts because they see the world different than the other women which i am going to try to imitate a little bit on their situations� 

 Let we all imagine a little bit...

"Imagine that your are a mother, as an first consideration you are an woman,you have arrived to your older ages under the effects of loosing your womanity,your husband is anything rather than a guest watching tv in the house forgets to say his love on you more than a decade passed and nothing make sense on him more than a refrigerator,all life and it's beauties are frozen,entering to the streets inside the society seeing the women living their springs and comparing herself with them and  realizing that she looses her beauty,she sees her hands as not smooth as in the past,she sees she is not attractive as attractive she had to do in her past...things are changing and a heart of a woman can not hold these kind of changes if she had not taken serious education on Islam or something similar to.

Keep on imagining that you are getting older day by day while seeking the old days but something is pulling to you to your end,of course your ends has it's own beauty but a heart of a woman who has been left lonely or at least not understanding the things happens going inside,she can not hold these kind of processes...

She tries to find some gates for turning to the past then remembers her offsprings for a escape to prove that she still lives with the soul she has been protecting for awhile till to these older days, this is why grand mothers or MILs� highly seek their offsprings and want to see them on their besides,a son at the university and his expenses or living in home,his problems waiting to be solved is an great mission for a mother also the one chance of turning to her active younger days,this is the thing  she is only able to catch beside of the others she lived and finished.

Cares on them from their head to their toes,so deeply and passionly that sometimes the offsprings gets bore without seeing how her heart burns on their existences�

A grandson or a son;highly she cares and loves,she feels her existence inside of them but a time comes that suddenly shakens her soul with their marriage and their leaving the home,the last chance she found for surviving on this world flies with a bride,a bride who is younger and attractive,sweet and lovely takes all the considerations of her son on her to a another side ,but once more the mother in law becomes happy that she sees her son in the wedding,yes her success carried him to these days that she gets proud of the things happen but after awhile she realizes that something changes����������..

������������������������������������������������������������ ������������������������������������������������������������ ����������������������������

After that side dear Angela,the mother in law has two ways to go, the first is for revenge and the other one is joining to the family still having her love from them�

Before knowing what she has chosen and why,let we all know that we can�t judge anyone from one side with only hearing one side�s words with an angerly making comments on

� 005.008
YUSUFALI: O ye who believe! stand out firmly for Allah, as witnesses to fair dealing, and let not the hatred of others to you make you swerve to wrong and depart from justice. Be just: that is next to piety: and fear Allah. For Allah is well-acquainted with all that ye do.�

013.022
YUSUFALI: Those who patiently persevere, seeking the countenance of their Lord; Establish regular prayers; spend, out of (the gifts) We have bestowed for their sustenance, secretly and openly; and turn off Evil with good: for such there is the final attainment of the (eternal) home,-

S,

I'm trying to understand your perspective, but I want you to see ours too.  I can't speak for 222, so I'll speak for myself.  It was helpful to read what you wrote about the MIL's perspective.  Sometimes I get upset and hurt by things she says and does, and I need a reminder about what her side might be like.  So thanks for that.

That being said, I have never spoken unkind words to my MIL.  When she is mean to me, I stay quiet or walk out of the room.  She does these things as a means of control.  I know it hurts her that I her son has another woman to love, but he chose to marry.  It's not me that she doesn't like - it's any woman that holds my title ("his wife").  She will have to explain herself on that when she is judged. 

Her doing my chores is a way of control, so she can show how much more important she is to his life.  I used to not say anything even though it bothered me because I thought she just likes to help.  Then I heard from other family members that she said I was lazy, and don't lift a finger in my own home.  That's when I put my foot down and told my husband to tell her to mind her own home, and leave mine to me.  Before we married, my husband did what was right - he offered me a space to call my own, and I agreed to living with his parents as long as we had our own space.  I don't know as much as other people about Islam, but I do know that a husband, if he can afford, should provide his wife with privacy and a separate residence.

I am a peaceful person, and I never like arguing or disliking anybody.  That said, I have suffered enough.  Being respectful doesn't mean that somebody can walk all over me.  My MIL has her place in my husband's heart, and I have mine.  One isn't better than the other - they're just different places. 

The reason that I wrote in reply to 222 was to offer some advice from my own experience.  That's what this is for, right?  Are we here to help each other or call each other sinners?  A husband has an obligation to provide for his family - so if mom's overseas getting $250.00 face creams and riding around like a queen, wife and child here deserve shelter, food, clothing and comfort.  This is about excess and control versus obligation and necessity.

I know sister,i also know your feelings,also i can write your stories how you have been suffering from them with an teasing side but i do not want to seem to having all i see from sides or just having fun with the issue because there is a serious problem can not be taken lightly...both side,i love all of them just wanted to find a solution...if the MIL has written here telling her story,be sure of that i will also write to her bravely that you will all cheer up to the words..you know i lived with my grandma for two years and i know what she has done to the brides and also brides's defense to the grandma....

May Allah help all of us..

But you said:so if mom's overseas getting $250.00 face creams and riding around like a queen

Sister,just ten minutes ago i have brushed my red neck water turtle's back with Colgate Triple Action,after your words,i feel guilty....

Suleyman,

Perhaps its just that the women in my family do not treat each other or their inlaws that way.  My Grandmothers are wonderful to their daughter in laws.  They drive to help them with the housework, stay at the house when new babies are born, never treat them like dirt.  My grandmothers call their son's wives, daughters.  And they mean it.  My family is very much about including the newcomers, not excluding them.

Losing her womanhood????  My grandmothers are proud of every wrinkle.  My mother's mother worked hard her entire life and has never had fancy things.  She's quiet happy to have her grey hair and "arm flabbies" as she calls them.  She's 75 as of yesterday and has never had a care for vanity.  And she was GORGEOUS as a young woman.  My grandmother was from all accounts one of the most beautiful women in town.  Vanity is a sin.  A moisturizer doesn't need to cost $250 to work well.  There are some very good ones that cost more like $25 from cosmetic companies that are fine.

A Mother in Law who views her daughter in laws like the enemy is mentally ill.  These are daughters that her sons have given to her.  If she feels that this gift is beneath her, then she's got more problems than just feeling old.

I'm looking at passing that mark of youth.  I look at the mirror and see the lines at the corners of my eyes starting to extend.  I feel the arthritis in my bones and see the pounds that hide my once curvy figure.  Aging comes to us all, we can't escape it, we cannot run from it and we can't stop it.  So, really, I am looking at this woman and the more I think about it, the more it angers me. 

We, Mormons, believe the family to be eternal.  The mothers and children are forever connected, but also the spouses and their inlaws.  I will forever be bound to my late mother in law and father in law.  I look forward to the day I will meet my mother in law.  Everyone that knew says we would have been best friends.  I also look forward to the day, God Willing, when my son brings home his wife and makes her part of our family.  Or my daughter brings me a son...

Instead of trying to understand someone's vanity, perhaps the vain person should be forced to look at themselves and what their actions are doing to the family at large.

Wow this thread has new life all of the sudden.  My husband and I just moved into our house alhamdulillah.  No more hotel- I am so happy about that :)  My stress level from MIL has decreased a lot, I am just putting the problems out of my mind.  There is no way to politely talk or reason with her about all this- she refuses to listen and will NEVER admit when she is wrong.  I just keep quiet and havent said a thing to her....luckily we dont have to live together.  We still havent spoken in a very long time.  Maybe some day we will, but right now its better this way.

Things are going fine for my husband and I.  Our real estate agent is giving us a rebate from her commission and it will pay for our baby items.  My husband is a wonderful negotiator :)  Things are really looking up, and my father in law is trying really hard to put his family back together...I think I mentioned that there were some problems.  So inshAllah, things may work out eventually.  If things were better within the rest of his family, maybe there is hope that the problems will stop between MIL and us as well.  If MIL decides to ignore her grand daughter, she is really going to miss a lot :(

222,

That's great news.  I'm so glad to hear things are going well.  Its nice to see things are going well.  We'll keep you and the little princess to be in our prayers.

God Bless,

Angie

222,

I'm really happy to hear about your good fortune.  Good luck with your baby and your family in your new home.  May Allah continue blessing you and yours. 

All the best!

Ramadan Mubarek

Thank you sisters for your care and concern during the difficult time I went though.  I am happy to say that I gave birth to my daughter on August 14th, and she weighed 8 lb 12 oz masha'Allah.  She is growing and changing so quickly, and I absolutely love being a mother.  It fills every day with happiness, and I thank Allah every day for the blessing we have been given.

Mother in law is still an issue.  My daughter was very sick last week with a fever and was admitted to the hospital, and she was only 6 weeks old at that point.  Mother in law never called or asked about her.  This morning my husband was talking to his mother and told her he was really hurt that she never asked about her grand daughter in the hospital.  She proceeded to scream at him, call me aweful names, and say that she does not recognize her granddaughter.  My husband then told her he never wants to speak to her again. 

He has been telling me that he wants to cut ties with her, and I told him thats not going to help anything and its not the right thing to do.  But he is so hurt.  He called me in tears this morning.  I am so sad for him.  He believes that his mother is very jealous of us and thinks that I have stolen him away from her.  How could she be so cruel?  Our little baby is innocent in this whole thing, how could MIL be so mean to her?

Any suggestions on how to handle this?  Jazakallahkhair

Oh, dear.  You're mother in law is wrestling with some very big demons.  Just focus on your little girl and take joy in her.  I do feel bad for your husband, but this is something he's going to have to deal with on his own.  It might be best for him to cut ties with his mother for a while.  Show her that he's serious about you and his daughter.  Perhaps the threat of truly and really losing her son will force her to evaluate things.  This happened with my father in law.

They did not like me because I was not Mormon.  Now, according to my brother in law, I'm like a daughter to him. (he doesn't really show emotion to even his sons so sometimes its hard to tell) 

Instead of focusing on the MIL, (which is what she wants) focus on the baby and ignore her behavior.  She is acting like a toddler and reacting to it will only let her know that the tantrums are working.  If you both make an effort to ignore the tantrums and refuse to react to them, then she'll eventually get the idea its not working.

The best way to unspoil a child is to not give them what they want.  And your MIL is very much a spoiled child.

Now, give your daughter a hug from us all and enjoy Ramadan and Eid with your new family.