Hello,

It is my understanding that many women feel uncomfortable when a man sends them a private message.  All the messages I have sent have been seeking information about some matter concerning ISlam or religion I believe, and never meant to offend anyone.

To avoid further offense in the future, how do I tell who is a man or a women here?  Many of the names are not common in the USA and I do not know if they are female or male names.

Again, I never meant to offend or hurt anyones feelings and I ask forgiveness if I have done so.

Bismillah irrahman irrahim

Assalamu alaikum

Brother Allah swt knows the secrets of hearts and inshaAllah you will be safe as you showed your sincerity posting this here and i am sure every1 involved would be generous enough to let it go inshaAllah.

Now if you want to know something about islam, you can PM moderator brothers, peacemaker, andalus, Mockba or BMZ. There are few other brothers as well who are mashaAllah quite knowledgeable. Just a clue check who regularly posts in brother's section and you will know inshaAllah.

wassalam

B.H. wrote: Hello,   It is my understanding that many women feel uncomfortable when a man sends them a private message.  All the messages I have sent have been seeking information about some matter concerning ISlam or religion I believe, and never meant to offend anyone. To avoid further offense in the future, how do I tell who is a man or a women here?  Many of the names are not common in the USA and I do not know if they are female or male names. Again, I never meant to offend or hurt anyones feelings and I ask forgiveness if I have done so.

Bismillah,

I'm sure the sisters were just being circumspect and dignified in their responses to you.  Your post to me was just a simple question with a simple answer.  However, you can also post something like that on the general posts to a person.  Some of the sisters don't mind answering you if it's in the public forum.  Others who do can just ignore it.

You can click on a user name when you are logged in to check their profile.  Many people put either male or female.  If female is not checked, you could do a forum search using the names to see if they have revealed it in their posts.

Salaamu Alaykum

Israfil,

I disagree.  Sometimes the posts are just wholy unwelcomed.  The women have every right to tell a man they do not wish to receive messages from them.  Any messages after that are strictly harassment.  I think that instead of deleting it, its best to just let the person know that you are not interested in private conversation.

I know I've been actually hit on twice since I've been here.  TWICE!  Both men were informed very curtly that I was a married woman and it was inappropriate for them to be private messaging me.  End of story. 

The best thing a man can do is send a message asking if they may inquire privately about an issue.  If the woman does not want to do so, then she can say No then.  Easy and no feelings hurt.

Israfil,

Perhaps I should point out why I consider it inappropriate.  I met my husband online.  We developed a close friendship that later became love.  I personally know how the little bits of data back and forth can lead to something very inimate.

One of my Prophets once instructed us to "avoid even the appearance of evil." 

I usually look over the question and determine comfort level.  But many Muslimahs would be even less comfortable about some things I've been asked than I was. 

Perhaps a good rule of thumb is, would you feel comfortable with another man asking your sister this question.  If you are unsure, then its best not to ask.

As a Muslim, if I were married and a fellow brother asked my wife questions which are not intimate, I'd have no problem with this. Sorry to say a woman can be a teacher of men! can't judge everything basded on your own experience and I don't think it hurts to answer a brothers question. Like I said many women are too uptight here. As long as the guy is not indicating he wants more thn what he is asking and as long as he is not asking intimate things whats the problem?

Because it took me three times telling you to knock it off when you were emailing my private email.  Or would  you like me to post where I told you to knock it off and then you came back and started going off about how you though I was your friend and how I was being oversensitive.  Buddy, that's harassment. 

Oh, and I could mention another incident of harassment by you, but I've promised the sisters involved I wouldn't use names. 

The internet is a public place, but PMs are PRIVATE MESSAGES.  If a woman doesn't want to talk to a man in private, its her right.  You calling it being uptight is acting like it isn't her right.

Israfil...I've learned one important thing from my last year dealing with you.  You don't like being told your wrong and you don't like the word "No."

I don't follow two belief systems.  I follow one.  I can't help it if two have commonalities I can share with others.

I believe the first emails I got from you were to the public email that I have since removed from my profile.  Giving you my other one was a big mistake.  Which is exactly why women should be guarded about talking to people over the internet.  There is absolutely no way to know what the other person is really like until its too late.  And some men use "sincere" questions just to get women to trust them.

Secondly, I talk to alot of people, what I am defending is the fact that you called it ridiculous that some women find it uncomfortable to talk to men in PMs.  Its not ridiculous, its a woman's perogative as to her comfort level.

Israfil wrote: No offense to any woman here but I think it is a bit ridiculous for any woman to be offended or feel uncomfortable with a private message, especially if the message is out of sincerity. I have had a woman say that to me and I was like "WHAT?" I just think, in humble but imperfect opinion that its just plain ole ridiculous. I understand perhaps in person and in an intimate setting yes but I think PM's especially on the internet and being ashamed or what not or feeling entrapped is ridiculous. Unlike like life, you can simply delete the PM or choose to read it.

Its not ridiculous, its her choice.  Many of the Muslimah's here were born Muslim and have been raised with a certain level of comfort, but not with non Mehram men.  Private places are all around, even in cyberspace.

I've been to Islamic rooms where you have to enter your gender and private messaging is not allowed between anyone except the moderators.  Why, because if you can't say it in public, then you probably shouldn't be saying it in private!

Angela,

All I can say is may God protect you

While I have to disagree with you Angela about Israfil, I do agree with you below.

Angela wrote: what I am defending is the fact that you called it ridiculous that some women find it uncomfortable to talk to men in PMs.  Its not ridiculous, its a woman's perogative as to her comfort level. Its not ridiculous, its her choice.  Many of the Muslimah's here were born Muslim and have been raised with a certain level of comfort, but not with non Mehram men.  Private places are all around, even in cyberspace.

Why, because if you can't say it in public, then you probably shouldn't be saying it in private!

I slightly disagree with this, some things are not for the public or for the whole world to hear. Some times some things are private not to be talked about to the whole world. Just as when private things are not for the whole world to know about. {of course this excluded assaults of any kind that need to be known to others} so please don't jump down on me for that :(

Angela wrote: The internet is a public place, but PMs are PRIVATE MESSAGES.  If a woman doesn't want to talk to a man in private, its her right.  You calling it being uptight is acting like it isn't her right.

I believe you missed Israfil's point. Some women are and can be uptight this is in no way taking away the fact that its a woman's right for those who don't want to talk to a man.

I think fatima's and herjihad's responses are good but I also think women especially of foreign nationalities need to know that not ALL men (or women) are going to know that some names are female names (or male) in such and such languages I believe these women need to take that into account beforehand.

Israfil wrote: Funny I replied to Angela with an Islamic greeting she doesn't reply similarly a true woman of God indeed!

Bismillah,

Brother, I don't appreciate you saying this about Sister Angela.

Salaamu Alaykum

Asalaamu alaikum:

Could the forum administrator please go to the whyislam.com forum and note that they have the male/female symbols next to the name, information and such? Could they do this for this forum and resolve this issue. Mine is as follows:

http://www.whyislam.org/forum/member_profile.asp?PF=3480&FID=13">maryahj  
Sophmore Member
 


Joined: 11 March 2006
Location: United States
Online Status: Online
Religion: Islam(Sunni)
Posts: 245

Maryah wrote: Asalaamu alaikum: Could the forum administrator please go to the whyislam.com forum and note that they have the male/female symbols next to the name, information and such? Could they do this for this forum and resolve this issue. Mine is as follows: http://www.whyislam.org/forum/member_profile.asp?PF=3480&FID=13">maryahj   Sophmore Member   Joined: 11 March 2006 Location: United States Online Status: Online Religion: Islam(Sunni) Posts: 245

Bismillah,

Yes, sister, that's a great idea.  I also think a religion indicator would be helpful in communications as well.  Brother Salman got upset with my user name thinking I was a guy, so I put Married Muslimah in my signature to solve that issue for myself.

Salaamu Alaykum

Israfil wrote: Sister Herjihad why would you get upset at what I previously said>? It's quite true.....At least Angel sees my point. It's kind of tiresome for me even to discuss this, I don't even PM any Muslimah's anyway.

Because your statement:   A true woman of God indeed, was uncalled for and untrue.

salaamu alaykum

I believe that a woman has the right to avoid and neglect a man, if she is not comfortable with him.

Similarly, a man also has the right to avoid and neglect a woman, if he is not comfortable with her.

Everyone is independent.

I think it is all up to the individual person.  In my case it is not a problem for me to discuss issues in private.  I have a husband whom I love dearly, and it is appropriate (imo) for me to try to answer any concerns or perhaps explain something I had said in a post.  I have many male friends....my husband has female friends.  We are faithful and love only each other.  But I think we have that one thing which is a MUST in any marriage, and that is trust.  Like Angela, I met my husband many years ago online, strictly by chance....a long funny story I won't bore you with right now.  We finally ended up married and very happy with each other.  To make a long story short, I don't have a problem talking with men in a platonic manner.  My husband doesn't mind that I "chat" with men, in fact I often discuss some of the interesting issues I have been chatting about........and he does the same with me.  We are quite secure in the knowledge that we have no interest in having any sort of inappropriate relationship with the opposite gender. 

I know that Jesus spoke with many women while he was here on earth, i.e., the woman at the well, Mary Magdalene, etc. 

But for those ladies who do feel uncomfortable, or even perhaps shy, talking in a private message to a man, they should be respected and in no way, shape, or form coerced into feeling the conversation is mandatory.  It is NOT, and they have every right to just click the delete button.  That's all it takes....end of story!  Oh, and don't list your private email address unless you want to talk with strangers.  We really never know who we're talking to here....except for the relatively few individuals who have met personally.

God's Peace!