Salaam,

I am lost, I am confused, I don't know what to do. My husband hates my parents, he hates my siblings, there have been multiple times he argued with them, and he openly says that he hates them. Now is that why I married a guy from the same culture, so that he would hate them, not respect them,  not respect me? He hates everything they say and do, we get into a big fight every time my family gives us or the kids a present. He says they have no right to give anything to them. HE is the only one who has that right. He doesn't even like ME getting something for them (even though I earn my own money, and HE is the one that is forcing me to work, Allah knows I am not a career woman, nor did I EVER PLAN on working while my little kids are being raised by someone else. He keeps accusing me of being bad, he keeps accusing my parents and brothers of being bad. Ok, so he is having a rough spot, he hasn't been working for a year now, he is waiting for his work permit. But is that MY fault? Is that my parents fault? Of course he blames all of us for wanting him in that position. which human bein in their right mind would want a MAN sitting AT HOME? Everything he is experiencing is a direct result of him changing his mind constantly. He changes his mind about our 5-year plan at least once a week. And I mean MAJOR changes. Right now he wants to give everything up (it has been less than 6 months that we are here at this new place) and go back home overseas. Well, thanks to his undecisiveness we have an almost 6-digit figure debt.  Thanks to him I have spent the best toddleryears away at work/training. I was working just 9 hours before I delivered my baby. Thanks to him threatening that he could get a second wife in order to get green card if I don't comply I am STILL working instead of being at home with the kids. It is so easy for him, saying: Ok, to let's go back home now. One year ago that would have been a lot easier than now.

He says he will make our kids hate my family. And sisters, he is not jsut threatening, he'll do it. Allah, please give me the strenght to make the right decision. I am caught between my parents, my husband and my children. How can I choose? How can I give up either one of them? Why can't we just live in peace?

I believe in Allah, and I am supposed to obey my husband. I have obeyed him so much, that we ended up having so much debt, and now he is saying lets go back, without even thinking further. I am so tired of obeying him, it's not that he ever makes rational decisions, they are the spur of the moment, even his family has reprimanded me for listening to everything he says. Yes, HIS family. What is the limit of obeying your husband?

I am sacrificing so much for him, and yet he is the one to blame me for getting everything I want - Allah knows THIS is not what I wanted. I love him as my husband, and I know I should't be talking bad about him, and I hate to do so, but I am bursting with my emotions, and in the past turning our families has just brought further discontent, and I don't have anyone else but Allah, but sometimes you need some human support too?

I used to be very quiet and calm and composed - before I got married. Now I simply explode when he says certain things, I have lost my patience, and I KNOW it's wrong, and I don't want to do it, I spend hours figuring out how to react next time but it happens again and again, he keeps saying things that hurt me and I keep exploding, and things escalate.

Sisters, please tell me, how can I remain calm? How can I get the strenght to listen to his ramblings about myself and my family and keep quiet? I honestly respect people who can, and I have met a few people who can, may Allah bless them and teach me to do the same.

Someone was saying in another forum that nobody says you have to stay with a husband just because he is ill, and that is exactly one of my problems too... I feel that I cannot leave him or make a decision now because he is depressed and he has a good reason being unemployed right now (not that you need a good reason to be depressed). But he never feels better, even when he was working, he is a very negative person, and in my whole life nobody has ever viewed me as so bad as he does. He finds so many faults, and also in my parents, and while nobody is perfect and nobody looks good  under a microscope, there is such a thing as respect. Who says I love his family, or agree with them? But do I constantly make an issue out of everything? I listen to their comments and beliefs and keep my mouth shut (and even that is becoming more difficult now...).

Assalamu'Alaikum Sr,

 I don't know what to say but I just made Dua' for you.

Insha'Allah it is his responsibility to run the family but it is also his responsibility to respect you and take care of you and for you to care for the house and kids...and I can't imagine him not knowing that it's so.....

Riba is a great sin and Insha'Allah try to get out of it as soon as possible but if you have cards or debt in your name pay it off and close it out and don't ever put it in your name again...and pray to Allah(swt) to forgive you and welcome you into Jannah when the time comes....

If your husband is walking the tight rope one step away from falling into Shirk than that is his choice but for yourself take care of yourself and do your duties as a wife and mother but don't let him put you on the same tight rope that he's on.

Allah(Swt) will never leave you and will always answer your prayers even if it takes time....

You need to respect your parents and take care of them and love them and keep relations good between them and your siblings don't let him place a wedge between you and them. I don't know what to suggest but if you are going to remain in this marriage than try to find a way to do it without giving him a reason to complain...Talk to your family and ask them for advice and than if it's something you think might work talk to your husband...Also try arbitration with someone from the masjid.

Insha'Allah stay strong in your Imaan and know that Allah(swt) will be with you and guide you to the straight path....Whatever you decide to do.

I have tried so hard, I have tried to not listen to his negative comments. I don't know how to do it anymore. I am a mental breakdown myself now, have been for a while. And he is beyond getting help, he denies having any problems, he is not willing to go into counselling, he says the problem is only and exclusively me and my parents.

He won't even give me my rights regarding the children, he has threatened to leave me and take one of them with him even before she was born, about at least twice a week for 3 years! Now of course I have doubts in his committment to this marriage. I know for myself that I am willing to go through it, for the sake of our children, even if I myself am profoundly unhappy with him. We are a total mismatch, we have nothing in common, not even our Iman, he calls himself a Muslim and prays, but there are so many traits that I wanted in a husband and that for me are an essential part of Islam that he lacks and his whole family lacks. How can he pass something on to our kids that he does not possess?

Am I expecting too much? Last time I talked to somebody (it was the Imam's wife) she told me about someone who wasn't allow to even talk to their parents for over a year>

Does a husband have that right? to forbid to even talk to your own parents? This is a bond that can never be broken, whereas the marital relationship is such a frail one, it can be over in a breath. Does he not see that?

wow

I don't have much to give, but if his parents reprimand you for giving into him, what do they suggest for you to do especially under everything that is happening, the threats, the threat of taking away of your child?

almostthere wrote: and I don't have anyone else but Allah, but sometimes you need some human support too?

Of course you need human support to.

And NO ONE should keep you or force you from seeing your parents.

USA-Niqaabi,

thank you very much for your kind and supporting words. I am not resorting to my parents anymore, and yes, I have to find some arbitration here. Problem is, my husband doesn't see the need, he thinks he is right, never admits any faults or problems from his side (well ok, sometimes he does).

Is it admissible for me to keep working to pay off my debt? Most of it is in my name. I don't see my husband ever paying it off with the overseas meagre inflational salary....

Angel,

his father has passed away unfortunately, when he was still with us he used to ask me for patience, he explained to me that once my husbands financial situation is better, he will be more stable. In regards to the children, my in-laws have two different views: when it is regarding their own daughters, their children belong to the woman. When there are marital problems with their sons, the husband has the right to keep the children (no matter what age, even a newborn). Thus I have stopped asking them for any help.

They keep saying though not to take him seriiously, not to take his threats seriously, that he doesn't mean it etc. But how can you keep hearing threats like this, with no reason, with just minor frustration on his part causing them? How can I feel secure? Afraid to say, the Indo-pak community is based on lies, starting with age at marriage. So whats self-understood for all of his family, all those lies they live with... its unimaginable for me. I have most of my life told the truth even when it meant that it would harm me. So how can I, being brought up to tell the truth and believe every single little thing I hear, not take it seriously? And even when I am coming around now to not take it so seriously anymore, it still doesn't cease to hurt me like hell. And it makes me furious too. I expect for him to sacrifice, like I am, for the sake of our children. How can he so utterly and totally deny not only my rights, but also his daughters right to be with her mother? I married him just based on my parents liking him and him praying, so I thought that was some kind of guarantee that he'd be a good muslim, and a good man for his wife, but how wrong I was... I didn't look for money, education, family-status, looks - nothing but what I thought was a sign of his Iman...

I chose what I thought was the right path, so I'd be a good example for my siblings, among other reasons- but with this marriage, they are more scared now than ever to marry traditionally, and to be honest I even encourage them now silently to marry as they please.

Eventually his family got so tired of our disagreements, and after all he is their family-member, so eventually they started thinking "where there is smoke, there has to be fire". You know how bachelors are responsible for their own actions and thoughts, but once they get married all of a sudden their wife is at fault for everything, a cheap scapegoat. I have always acknowledged where my husband was right about my family, but he is so far off the truth 99% of the time, and I just not have the patience to just quietly listen. Allah, please give me the strenght and wisdom to ignore....

Salaam

Hi almostthere, just to let you know I am non muslim so i most likely not give a whole lot of islamic advise and it maybe a bit scratchy so double check, just take what you want and leave the rest, its upto you.  

almostthere wrote: USA-Niqaabi, thank you very much for your kind and supporting words. I am not resorting to my parents anymore, and yes, I have to find some arbitration here. Problem is, my husband doesn't see the need, he thinks he is right, never admits any faults or problems from his side (well ok, sometimes he does).

it does make it hard when one doesn't see any problem and think they are right.

Is it admissible for me to keep working to pay off my debt? Most of it is in my name. I don't see my husband ever paying it off with the overseas meagre inflational salary....

I don't know where you are living but if in the west, if things are in your name then you are the one that is responsible, so yes you do need to pay off your debt, that does not mean that you cannot get money of someone else (just not a loan from some other bank for which you will be in debt with that, way too many people do that and never get out of debt).

Angel, his father has passed away unfortunately, when he was still with us he used to ask me for patience, he explained to me that once my husbands financial situation is better, he will be more stable.

sorry to hear about your father in law. Maybe he is right that your husband will be better when financially better, BUT that is in no way to treat you the way he is, sure there are arguments when people are struggling but what he is doing....to me that is verbal abuse and no you should not put up with it and patience only goes so far.

In regards to the children, my in-laws have two different views: when it is regarding their own daughters, their children belong to the woman. When there are marital problems with their sons, the husband has the right to keep the children (no matter what age, even a newborn). Thus I have stopped asking them for any help.

strange, sounds a bit hypacritical to me, but i see what they do is keeping the family together but not those who marry in despite being the other parent to the kids, no offence but that is what i see. And islamically from my learning the father is suppose to take the kids but that is from girls: 9 years and boys: 7 yrs but that is so that the kids are brought up islamically, not sure of the mother who stays muslim and also i think its upto the individual couple/parents as to what is. I don't think many couples go by what is said about the age.  

They keep saying though not to take him seriiously, not to take his threats seriously, that he doesn't mean it etc. But how can you keep hearing threats like this, with no reason, with just minor frustration on his part causing them?

you can't keep having these threats.

If he is frustrated, tell him to go to the gym, run a few miles a day, go swimming, to get his frustrations out, not verbally abusing you with threats all the time, it is unacceptable, there is no problem being a sounding board for someone who needs to get things of their chest and you don't take it to heart, but i just think what your husband is doing is much more than that.

How can I feel secure?

you can't. Your husband is definitely not providing a secure home.

Afraid to say, the Indo-pak community is based on lies, starting with age at marriage. So whats self-understood for all of his family, all those lies they live with... its unimaginable for me. I have most of my life told the truth even when it meant that it would harm me. So how can I, being brought up to tell the truth and believe every single little thing I hear, not take it seriously? And even when I am coming around now to not take it so seriously anymore, it still doesn't cease to hurt me like hell. And it makes me furious too.

something like this, how can you not take it seriously???

I expect for him to sacrifice, like I am, for the sake of our children. How can he so utterly and totally deny not only my rights, but also his daughters right to be with her mother?

I know,

for the question, best advise, learn more of what islam says, arm yourself with knowledge and use it. Have you spoken to your Iman's wife about this ?

He cannot deny you your rights.

I married him just based on my parents liking him and him praying, so I thought that was some kind of guarantee that he'd be a good muslim, and a good man for his wife, but how wrong I was... I didn't look for money, education, family-status, looks - nothing but what I thought was a sign of his Iman...

Sometimes outward appearance is no guarantee of how much a person is pious (or not)

I chose what I thought was the right path, so I'd be a good example for my siblings, among other reasons- but with this marriage, they are more scared now than ever to marry traditionally, and to be honest I even encourage them now silently to marry as they please.

 perhaps also you can say to your siblings take a longer time to get to know the other if going through traditionally.

Sometimes it works traditionally / arranged marriage and sometimes it doesn't work.  

Eventually his family got so tired of our disagreements, and after all he is their family-member, so eventually they started thinking "where there is smoke, there has to be fire". You know how bachelors are responsible for their own actions and thoughts, but once they get married all of a sudden their wife is at fault for everything, a cheap scapegoat. I have always acknowledged where my husband was right about my family, but he is so far off the truth 99% of the time, and I just not have the patience to just quietly listen. Allah, please give me the strenght and wisdom to ignore....Salaam

How long is it till you know the outcome of your husbands working permit?  Maybe it's all frustration and maybe he feels worthless because he can't do what he wants to do. I don't know, all i know is that you should not be dealing with the stuff your husband dishes out. And perhaps its also maybe its his way of having some control since his other part of life he is not, even there you should not have to put up with his bad behaviour/abuse.

Perhaps you can give a time limit after the working permit comes thru and if nothing changes after sometime then perhaps seek a divorce.

I wish you all the best

Wow.. I am so sorry to hear about your struggles.. 

Without knowing all of the particulars.. a six figure debt without a major medical catastrophe..  wow

This reminds me a bit of my brother who was married to a shop-a-holic who could not sop buying stuff and put 40-50,000 in credit card debts without telling him.. blessedly only half had his name on them. 

Sister, you need to take care of yourself and your children. If you are unhealthy and stressed then your ability to be a good parent and raise healthy children.  Now I am not saying divorce, for only you can go down that path. But it is an option. I know a sister who is in Pakistan in a bad marriage and her options are super-limited.  If you have the option keep them in mind.

No human being deserves to be yelled at, ridiculed, threatened by heir partner. I don�t care how stressed they are. Not all the time. They have no self-control.

Take care of yourself and the kids�

Dear Almost,

First I am going to tell you how I, as an outsider, view your situation.  Then I will give you the things you said that led me to this view:

This man has many classic signs of being abusive; he isolates you from friends and family(1), he calls you "bad" (2), he threatens you (3), he is controlling (4), he blames you for everything (4). 

Perhaps some of the things I am seeing from my world view are merely cultural differences.  But I cannot imagine that cutting you off from friends and family and feeling the need to be in charge of money and not wanting anyone to deal with the children but him is anything but issues with control.  This is a very insecure man.  And this is a man who if you took all the masks off, has fear.  And I have sympathy for him...and I can see why you do as well which is probably why you have stayed with him and are stuggling with what to do now...

Maybe the sister who said that after 11 years it will all get better.  Maybe it will, who knows.  But it is also good to look at reality and decide if the situation is too harmful to you and your children's psyches to continue to endure.  Surely there is an exception in Islam that if a man is doing great psychological damage to wife and kids and that this is grounds for ending a marriage? 

1-isolation-"he wants to cut my family out ouf our and our children's lives. He has been jealous of my parents since we got married, let alone other people, colleagues, friends. I have ended my social life to please him, I have no friends..."

2-name-calling-"He keeps accusing me of being bad"

3-threats-"he has threatened to leave me and take one of them with him even before she was born, about at least twice a week for 3 years!"

4-control-"He says don't worry about the money, it's his responsibility, and he is right"

5-blame-"he says the problem is only and exclusively me and my parents"

shoe ba wrote: Dear Almost,   First I am going to tell you how I, as an outsider, view your situation.  Then I will give you the things you said that led me to this view:   This man has many classic signs of being abusive; he isolates you from friends and family(1), he calls you "bad" (2), he threatens you (3), he is controlling (4), he blames you for everything (4).    Perhaps some of the things I am seeing from my world view are merely cultural differences.  But I cannot imagine that cutting you off from friends and family and feeling the need to be in charge of money and not wanting anyone to deal with the children but him is anything but issues with control.  This is a very insecure man.  And this is a man who if you took all the masks off, has fear.  And I have sympathy for him...and I can see why you do as well which is probably why you have stayed with him and are stuggling with what to do now...   Maybe the sister who said that after 11 years it will all get better.  Maybe it will, who knows.  But it is also good to look at reality and decide if the situation is too harmful to you and your children's psyches to continue to endure.  Surely there is an exception in Islam that if a man is doing great psychological damage to wife and kids and that this is grounds for ending a marriage?    1-isolation-"he wants to cut my family out ouf our and our children's lives. He has been jealous of my parents since we got married, let alone other people, colleagues, friends. I have ended my social life to please him, I have no friends..."   2-name-calling-"He keeps accusing me of being bad" 3-threats-"he has threatened to leave me and take one of them with him even before she was born, about at least twice a week for 3 years!" 4-control-"He says don't worry about the money, it's his responsibility, and he is right" 5-blame-"he says the problem is only and exclusively me and my parents"

You are absolutely right, he does have a lot of fear. And no, I do not think it is a cultural problem (except maybe the in-law issue, this is a very sensitive issue in my "culture", and so far away from Islam, that it makes me cry just to think about it. Seems like there are many men around who want to cut off their wifes from their family. What they don't realize is: you can never end the bond with your own blood and flesh. You very well can with your HUSBAND... lol. But maybe they DO realize this point, and this is exactly why they act like they do....).

And believe me sister, I have made myself small, I have obeyed his every st....id wish, just to make him feel in control, to take his fears. And BECAUSE of this, we are in the situation we are in now, him being unemployed and me being the breadwinner and having responsibilities I never ever wanted!

Had I NOT listened to his every demand, then he wouldn't be in this position.

Anyway, you are a very wise woman, and I would very much appreciate any practical advise in how to deal with him, his fear, his control-freakishness. Sometimes I am totally clueless. Things are so much easier to evaluate sometimes when you are not stuck in the middle of it.

What scares me even more is myself. I keep getting closer to thinking to end this marriage, this mental torture, but then there are the good times, the love and sympathy I have for him, the thought of our children, and above all, the thought of Allah. And yes, even though it is allowed in Islam, I still have a very hard time to accept it. I do not condemn it for other people though, just for myself. And to be totally truthful, I do sometimes endure it just to please Allah, and hoping that HE will forgive me, for nobody is perfect, and hoping for a better life in Jannah. Not that I have a bad life now, I am not complaining, from the outside everything looks good. And I cannot say that I am an angel either. Though I have tried a lot to please my husband, there are often times when I don't (i.e. I do not always dress up for him, even though I know that he wants me to, and it is an oblgation for me to please him). And I have (and this is the actual part that scares me) developed an anger management issue. There are certain things that he says that make me explode, and when this happens, there is nothing that can make me stop. I become abusive myself. And I hate myself for this, and I know that doesn't make the whole situation better, it makes it worse.

I am not even expecting to change him. How can anybody change anybody else, when we have such a hard time changing something in ourselves? I do believe that you can make somebody elses behavior change maybe just a little bit, but you have to do it yourself first. And KNOWING this, it is still so difficult to act upon it. And what bothers me is that while I look into myself and see faults in myself, he does the same... lol (find faults in me, instead of in himself). Or maybe he does see his faults, but he is much too proud to admit it. Nobody should be this proud. What he does is projecting everything on me. All the faults that he has, he somehow manages to blame ME with (outrageous things, totally far-fetched). An interesting piece of imagination.

Sorry for rambling, just needed to vent, and I DO appreciate any practical advise (tackling my own problem with controlling my anger, and learning how to ignore some of his remarks when they make me raging mad. You wouldn't believe it, but before I got married I was a very complacent, peaceful person. I hate this change I have gone through.

May Allah bless you

Angel wrote: How long is it till you know the outcome of your husbands working permit?  Maybe it's all frustration and maybe he feels worthless because he can't do what he wants to do. I don't know, all i know is that you should not be dealing with the stuff your husband dishes out. And perhaps its also maybe its his way of having some control since his other part of life he is not, even there you should not have to put up with his bad behaviour/abuse. Jepp, you are right, it is partially a control issue for him. Perhaps you can give a time limit after the working permit comes thru and if nothing changes after sometime then perhaps seek a divorce. I wish you all the best

The time limit... I have been setting them since we got married - lol !

But seriously, yes, this is what I had in mind a few month ago, it was to give him 6 months after he has started working (still waiting for his work permit at this time....) - and if he is still the same, - divorce. But knowing myself, how I keep crawling back to him, I don't believe I am going to do that. But let's see. I have to develop some more dignity. You know the example with the dog, who only attacks when he senses that somebody is scared of him. So instead of ducking and making myself small to make him feel more secure, I should now try the opposite approach, and show him the strong woman I really am (for one reason because this is the only thing I haven't tried yet, and the other reason being is him resenting me as I am now anyway, how could he possibly resent me more than now?). I have tried so hard to take his feeling of worthlessness, but I am at the point now where I feel that I cannot do it. Only Allah can do it.

Thank you for your kind words and your understanding, and may Allah bless you

Hayfa wrote: Wow.. I am so sorry to hear about your struggles..  Without knowing all of the particulars.. a six figure debt without a major medical catastrophe..  wow This reminds me a bit of my brother who was married to a shop-a-holic who could not sop buying stuff and put 40-50,000 in credit card debts without telling him.. blessedly only half had his name on them.  Sister, you need to take care of yourself and your children. If you are unhealthy and stressed then your ability to be a good parent and raise healthy children.  Now I am not saying divorce, for only you can go down that path. But it is an option. I know a sister who is in Pakistan in a bad marriage and her options are super-limited.  If you have the option keep them in mind. No human being deserves to be yelled at, ridiculed, threatened by heir partner. I don�t care how stressed they are. Not all the time. They have no self-control. Take care of yourself and the kids�

Assalamu-aleikum,

the debt, that's scary, isn't it? The day I put all of it together, and it was nearly $ 80000, I stopped sleeping well for weeks.

It can happen fast, and we are usually very careful spenders. It just took a foolishly purchased expensive new care, half a year of unemployment for both, moving, finding a new job and travelling around the world. But inshallah I earn well enough to pay off all of that in a reasonable time-frame.

How is life in Karachi?

May Allah bless you

I really have tears wow!!!

I also experience most of this things.  Your heart sits in your throat whole day.

I even thought of suicide and I think you too sis.

But thats not the way I came to know.

Allah brought you two together no one else makes a couple getting married.  Maybe you should try to see it that way.  Allah has a reaso n for this.

If there's love there's a way. Allah put love in your hearts use it.

Asalaamu alaikum:

Sister Almost:

If you are in the US, and he threatens you, you may need secular intervention. Face it, he is not living according to Islamic code. Some times you have to put aside your feelings of "love" for someone and take actions to protect your children. They to are exposed to the abuse.

Go to the Imam ast your mosque, better, find the leader of the women's group and ask her for the information and let them know what is going on.

In the United States he has no right to verbally abuse you or threaten your personal security or that of your children. That is considered domestic violence.  I believe that is the same case in Canada as well as many European countries. But I would only do this if he gets worse or you cannot settle this Islamically.

Here is a page of links from our Sister's page from our masjid:

http://www.ictucson.com/sis-domestic-violence.html - http://www.ictucson.com/sis-domestic-violence.html

May Allah (swt) watch over you and may you have the strength to be steadfast in your deen.

Wasalaam

Ya Allah !!!

You know what sis?  Allah loves you so much.  He only let people suffer whom he loves so that people beg him!!!

Allah makes people rich and wealthy so that they can forget Him and enjoy their life.

You are not alone.

Sadija wrote: I really have tears wow!!! I also experience most of this things.  Your heart sits in your throat whole day. I even thought of suicide and I think you too sis. yes, I have thought of it, but it is so utterly haraam so how could I possibly do it? But thats not the way I came to know. Allah brought you two together no one else makes a couple getting married.  Maybe you should try to see it that way.  Allah has a reaso n for this. Yes, that's how I see it, or I would have given up shortly before our marriage. I always wanted a challenge, so here I am.... be careful what you wish for If there's love there's a way. Allah put love in your hearts use it.

Thank you so much for your compassion, it means a lot to me! May Allah bless you

Sadija wrote: I really have tears wow!!! I also experience most of this things.  Your heart sits in your throat whole day. I even thought of suicide and I think you too sis. But thats not the way I came to know. Allah brought you two together no one else makes a couple getting married.  Maybe you should try to see it that way.  Allah has a reaso n for this. If there's love there's a way. Allah put love in your hearts use it.

Hmm, I guess I put some remarks in between your lines, how do I change that? Anyway, yes, I have been thinking about suicide, but it is so haraam, so how could I do it (don't worry, I'm not suicidal though).

And yes, I also believe Allah puts two people together for a reason, and sometimes I feel it is because I am the only st...d person on earth that tolerates him as he is. But I love him too, I don't want to make my posts sound as if he is the most horrible person on earth, he is not. He does have some virtues too (lol), he doesn't drink, do drugs, gamble or betray me, so that's something to thank for. He does care a lot about the kids, even though he is so obsessed that this is actually becoming a problem too.

Assalamualaikum wr wb,

Sis, I just want to congratulate u for being soo steadfast in ur commitment in ur marriage. But Sister, Allah has given us women syariah law to protect us against man like ur husband. Do ur istikharah n u will get ur answers. Do ur hajat prayers n u will get ur answers. Believe me. I did it n alhamdullilah now i know where i stand in this world. To provide rezek for my kids, to educate the greatness of Allah and the beauty of islaam. Now the kids are happier even though they see their father lesser because the energy we have at home is all positive and so the kids are happier. Doing their prayers n they read the quran. we go the mosque together after i finish work. I never felt happier n free in my life. Get a muslim counsellor who knows all about syariah law n ask for their opinion. I get all the opinions i can from imams, counsellors and scholars but not from any family members because sometimes the advice they give can be one-sided. Do it sister before u destroy the life of ur kids. U still can save them but make sure u r strong in ur promise n perserverance to live as the best muslimah and mother, duniya and akhirah! My duas r all 4 u my dear sister. wassalam

rookaiya wrote: subhanallah. i now look to my troubles and see that mine are minor compared to what other sisters have to endure.

Dear Rookaiya, I have been following your posts and do feel deeply sorry for your two ex-hubbies for losing you! I have been wanting to tell you how fortunate you are that at least you have your children, and even though it hurts you and them not to have a husband and father around: believe me when I say that sometimes this is actually good!

I also read your post regarding a male role-model for your sons - who needs a bad male role-model? There is no better role-model than our dear Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), so my humble guess is that as long as you keep them close to islamic teachings, they should inshallah turn out to be good men, especially having such a strong woman and mother as you are - mashallah.

For a few months I had been without my husband, and even though I am resisting the thought of a divorce so much, I have to admit that even though I did miss him, I was so much more relaxed and content, one colleague even commented on it (she attributed it to my  newborn second child though - if she only had known that it was because my husband was 4000 miles away - lol).

May Allah bless you, and thank you for sharing!

Sadija wrote: Ya Allah !!! You know what sis?  Allah loves you so much.  He only let people suffer whom he loves so that people beg him!!! Allah makes people rich and wealthy so that they can forget Him and enjoy their life. You are not alone.

Sister, I DID beg Allah to test me - that was about over 20 years ago, I prayed from the bottom of my heart that I would be steadfast enough and blessed enough to be tested and challenged in my life. So always be careful what you wish for.... (just kidding with this one. But I did want to be challenged, so here I am....

Thank you again sister, knowing that I am not alone and other sisters reading my posts means a lot to me, even though I do not wish for even an enemy to suffer.

May Allah bless you

shymuslima wrote: salaam please let us know how you are doin shymuslima

Sorry I didn't reply earlier, things are up and down, sometimes better, sometimes worse. Overall, it is going downhill, as his mood is getting worse every day, and he does have moments of regret when he realizes that he is going beyond the limit, but I am so frustrated and don't know how to deal with all this. Sometimes a physical temporary separation is a good thing, but I can't even have that without having to separate from my toddler! So a good clinch he has on me, if I let him go, I also  have to let one of my daughters go, and how could I do that?

Plus, I am having anger management problems myself now, and desperately need some advise on how to cool down fast. Because if I get angry it is like fueling the whole situation, and I KNOW that, and I keep telling myself to take it easy next time, but then he says something again, and I explode again, and that happens every day (if the day is long enough several times a day), and I don't want to be this person. It is so damaging especially for the children.

Maryah wrote: Asalaamu alaikum: Sister Almost: If you are in the US, and he threatens you, you may need secular intervention. Face it, he is not living according to Islamic code. Some times you have to put aside your feelings of "love" for someone and take actions to protect your children. They to are exposed to the abuse. Go to the Imam ast your mosque, better, find the leader of the women's group and ask her for the information and let them know what is going on. In the United States he has no right to verbally abuse you or threaten your personal security or that of your children. That is considered domestic violence.  I believe that is the same case in Canada as well as many European countries. But I would only do this if he gets worse or you cannot settle this Islamically. Here is a page of links from our Sister's page from our masjid: http://www.ictucson.com/sis-domestic-violence.html - http://www.ictucson.com/sis-domestic-violence.html May Allah (swt) watch over you and may you have the strength to be steadfast in your deen. Wasalaam

You are absolutely right, I - we need some intervention. We had been at this point before, and he had talked to the local Imam (that was 1800 miles and 2 years ago) and that was the first time I felt that something is moving in him - and he relapses. Me, I had talked to the Imams wife several times, and did and did not feel supported. She was very compassionate, but after talking to her husband about me, she just encouraged me to be patient, as my husband was going through a rough spot (being unemployed - once again, and just having lost his father), and giving me an example of somebody after which I ended up feeling that husbands DO have the right to forbid their wifes from having contact even with their own family. And this latter aspect of the conversation I had with her left me a little disillusioned and hopeless.

I got the phone number of a Mosque though where the Imam even has designated consultation times, problem being it is kind of far. There is a local mosque, but where we live it is so small, everybody knows everybody, and even if I go and talk to somebody, my husband is back to thinking that everything is MY problem, that actually I am the problem, I am the cause for his still pending work permit, for him not being a millionaire and property holder yet etcetcetc.

I have been his scapegoat for everything ever since we married, and it is so scary for myself sometimes to realize how much I have changed, and how much I let him emotionally abuse me. And sometimes I believe him when he says that I am crazy and imagining things, for he is the only social contact I have (even though I work and talk to a lot of people during the day, but that is on a professional level, totally different). And he SAYS that it is ok for me to have female friends, but when I actually talk to someone, he acts very jealous, when I ask him for the phone number of somebody I have been wanting to talk to he gets mad and starts thinking Allah-knows-what and suspicious and why-do-you-want-to-talk-to-her-now-all-of-a-sudden and didn't give me the message that she had called for two months. He blames ME for being unsocial, and I haven't seen/met a soul on a private basis for 6 months, when it is HIM that I have to drag and pursuade to go somewhere when somebody does have the mercy to invite us (because he is so ashamed of his unemployment. but that is an excuse, even when he was working he wasn't eager to have a common social life. He preferred to have his bachelor friends, go out with them in the evening while I stayed at home, and me not even knowing their names!)

And yes, I am in the US and totally aware of the domestic violence issue, but I have been acting out physically more than he ever has (throwing stuff, hitting him, yelling) so I am scared that HE would be in the favored position if I ever went this way. And I am ashamed of myself, and don't want to yell etc, and yet he is so manipulative, he manages to tease me for so long that I lose it again, And he does it in a calm manner, so I am the one who ends up looking crazy when I react to what he has said. And because of this, it is even more difficult for me to get help. Of course there are always two sides of a story. While domestic violence is now well recognized, I feel like emotional abuse is still in the wake, and though I definitely feel and AM emotionally abused, I am scared to be told that I am imagining things only, or that I HAVE to endure it as a good islamic wife.

It is so scary to see what the notions of my home-country are... I wish I hadn't been so naive about my homecountry being islamic before I got married. Yes, they call themselves Muslims, but there are so many thoughts and perceptions deep deep inside our culture, that are worse than any religion you can think of and have absolutely nothing to do with Islam, and in fact are haraam or discouraged in Islam. I.e. all the in-law problems - so many of them self-created. Islam is so beautiful, so straight-forward, so easy and so tolerant, but this is not describing the Indo-Pak culture and "interpretation" of Islam I was almost crying when I saw that TV-soap the other day, where that girl was raped by the village-bosses'son, got pregnant, and the so called Imams verdict when they tried to settle this was that she alone was at fault and had to be stoned to death. I couldn't see the end of it, so I don't know what actually happened. But just the thought of it, and I am sure this is portraying real life as it is still happening in many so-calles islamic countries in the name of Islam.

Well, for myself the bottom line is that ... I'll go find that number and try to find a time to call him,  and please please could everybody pray for my husband to get his st...d workpermit and then a job, for I am hoping that things will improve once he starts working.

Even though I totally do not excuse his way of thinking and behavior with being unemployed. I believe that this is a test for him too, and what's the merit in being nice only when you are happy, isn't it so much more worth controlling your anger and your frustration and try to be nice anyway? There are always reasons to be angry, but never one to let anger get hold of you (and this I am telling myself too, I have to learn to just ignore some of his remarks, but I am so into the women's rights in Islam thing that he keeps upsetting me... Ok so I have to set the example first and remain calm NO MATTER WHAT he says (would really appreciate some practical advise on how to do that, I can't be the only one whose parents and self's character and upbringing and motives get constantly attacked (according to my husband, we are all planning to harm him and take the children away from him)

Sorry for rambling, thank you for listening and may Allah bless you all for helping me

salam

wow this is a lot for anyone to handle...may Allah give u the strength and courage to deal with this situation...it sounds like ur husband has issues and in no way are they ur problem really. i know islam teaches us to be patient and make duaa and salah but the fact that he is a concious adult means he should step in and take responsibility for his own actions instead of blaming u for his issues...he needs therapy more  than anything. as for u both, its really unhealthy to be in this situation for all of u--especially the kids. i guess make duaa, pray istikhara. and see what happens next. but it wouldn't hurt for u to take a break and maybe separate for a while....maybe if he sees what he's missing than he may learn to appreciate u more. may Allah be with u, i sincerely wish u the best and will keep u in my duaa.