Pre-Marriage Issue (Zina and a convert)..
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Topic: Pre-Marriage Issue (Zina and a convert)..
Posted By: AskariMan
Subject: Pre-Marriage Issue (Zina and a convert)..
Date Posted: 17 February 2007 at 12:30pm
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Esselamu Alejkum, I have a quick few questions here: Is it Halal for me to marry a non-virgin girl if I myself am a virgin? She was born a Muslim but forgot about her religion and had a boyfriend which with she committed zina several times a few years ago. She has now repented, found her way back to Islam and is wearing a hijjab. What is bugging me currently is that I have asked her to (this is a long distance relationship) not greet the man when she sees him in the street since it seems that they see each other on the street from time to time. However she doesn't and the only way I know is when I get a strange feeling and ask her and then she says yes she met him and greeted him but it didn't mean anything to her. She is a good practicing Muslim and I know I shouldn't look into her past. I didn't even ask but she told me outright about her past ONLY after we became engaged. I feel that this was kind of cheap that she didn't tell me before marriage. I also fear that my meaning of sex is not what it was before: IE: a special bond between one husband and wife to show their love...instead I feel it is just a physical need/lust now. I've prayed Istihare and everything has been easier but recently she saw the guy again and didn't tell me and I told her to at least just be open and honest and tell me so I am not even sure if she understands me sometimes. My other question is with the western influence: Is this becoming more common among our young Muslim youth (commit pre-marital sex)? If so I'm interested in knowing the statistics/estimates of it all. |
Replies:
Posted By: rami
Date Posted: 17 February 2007 at 2:03pm
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Bi ismillahir rahmanir raheem assalamu alaikum No it is not haram to marry a girl who has had premarital sex, if she has repented then there is nothing wrong with that. If she told you after being engaged it is becouse she thought [and i agree] this would be the best time becouse at this point you would know her more personally and you are not married yet so it would not be to late for you turn back if you chose to. It is also a big issue for her to tell you and not simply lie about it, you should take this as a big step on her part to gain your trust. as for her speaking to him or returning the greeting let her know that a woman is not obliged to return the salam of a man only a women so she can stay silent without fault especially considering her past history. You should understand though that she may be doing it on a subcocnsious level before she can stop herself it only takes a split second to return a salam. ------------- Rasul Allah (sallah llahu alaihi wa sallam) said: "Whoever knows himself, knows his Lord" and whoever knows his Lord has been given His gnosis and nearness. |
Posted By: Fallen
Date Posted: 17 February 2007 at 11:16pm
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>>>>My other question is with the western influence: How is pre-marital sex a western influence? Having sex outside marriage is fairly common in all cultures and religions. I'm sure in Muhammad's time people were having it and after his passing people were continuing to have it. Ahh, it only makes sense that when the scriptures came to those people (Arabs) and if, the scripture mentions a law which the Muslim must abstain from pre-marital sex then I'm sure there was some pre-exisiting phenonmena (pre-marital sex) going on or else why would God make it a rule? |
Posted By: Kashimoto
Date Posted: 18 February 2007 at 5:39am
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Alot of people in the US here, like to living together without marriage, and yes it's true even some of their parent advice their kids to do that and they even claim themselv a (christian). I don't see Christian teaching like that, and she told me that "what is marriage?, it' only a piece of paper". what kind of parent is that man?..... it is true marriege it's only piece of paper for a record maybe. But in Allah sight it is not just a piece of paper, perhaps you don't even need paper to get married. I'am not blaming western influence no, not all western influence are bad. but those stuff they watch on TV everyday, cause some of those program it's not even good to watch AKA blind date,GirlsGonwild advertisement, all those other stuff on MTV and VH1 etc.., that teaching our youth all that. that is why some would say TV is harram because of those kind of thing, once you watch it you will get addicted just like smoking drugs. and not just TV there a lot of other stuff, computer, ipod, gaming consoles.it's just how you are using it and what you are using for. Allah knows best Salam mualaikum
------------- Allah is the Supreme Creator |
Posted By: AskariMan
Date Posted: 19 February 2007 at 3:22am
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Esselamu Alejkum, Thank you for your help guys.... Lately I have been so depressed because of this and I don't know where I can turn to anymore. She's a good Muslim woman and I trust her a lot but I just can't seem to accept this one thing. Premarital sex I have always told myself is a big no and I always told myself I would never be able to marry somebody who did it. Allah knows best what's right for me. I love her and we are very compatible but now I feel an emptiness inside of me that I can't seem to escape. She's religious and everything now. I think that the long distance relationship is killing us more now than anything perhaps? I keep going back and thinking, how can you sleep with somebody unless you truly love them? How can you love me as much as you did him when he was your first? There is an insecurity there now that was never there before and it is really killing me. I can't tell if I can get over this or if it will hurt me for the rest of my life. I don't want to be unjust to her as well. Her past is her past but I have not gone without thinking about this ever since she told me and it's pretty much killing me inside knowing that I have fought and have even come near these types of situations (in which American girls offered themselves to me) and she has not been able to fight that temptation. Although she was in the relationship with the previous guy several years it still to me doesn't justify premarital sex. If she was married and divorced I would not have ANY sort of issues with this but outside of marriage I don't know. Can anybody give at least some advice that might help me out? I know this is my decision alone but I only wish she told me this before the engagement. May Allah grant us all Paradise and guide us towards his path. Amin. |
Posted By: rookaiya
Date Posted: 19 February 2007 at 3:44am
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salaams askari man. how do u think she would feel, knowing that u are discussing this issue on this forum, yet u havent opened up to her. i suggest that u sit her down, and tell her exactly how this makes u feel. she has a right to know. She made a mistake and she repented for it, i dont think its right to dwell on it and keep bringing it up. dont judge her by your standards. u are not yet married, and u can always back out of the engagement. u not forced to marry her. u need to appreciate her honesty though. some women lie that they were raped, while others say they are no longer virgins cos of horse riding or using tampons. she could have come up with a lie and u wouldnt have known any different. Respect her for her honesty and be upfront with her. u shouldnt enter into this marriage with unresolves feelings. let her know how u feel. Insha Allah things will work out. |
Posted By: AskariMan
Date Posted: 19 February 2007 at 3:56am
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Esselamu Alejkum Rookaiya, I did talk to her about this (many times). She just tells me that it's up to me and she has told me once and doesn't feel like she has to tell me again. I understand it is difficult for her but it is very difficult for me as well. I love her even more for her honesty and this is what is making it even harder for me. I'm trying to just shove my st**id pride aside and accept her for who she is now. I guess I just can't understand the notion of love anymore (it is all mixed up for me)...the only love I understand is towards Allah and my continuing love for her. What I just can't understand is if it is possible to love somebody more after such an ordeal? Sometimes I feel like I am getting the cold shoulder and I have told her this but then again this is the long distance relationship and I know things are harder than they would be when we are closer together. |
Posted By: amah
Date Posted: 19 February 2007 at 4:26am
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Assalaamualaikum AskariMan, if you have any doubts in your mind, please do not marry this woman. you will make your life as well as hers miserable if you have to live like this. you wrote: I feel that this was kind of cheap that she didn't tell me before marriage. It would have been "cheap" if she would have told you after marriage. You can still opt out. It will be easier to forget her than to live with suspicion. Allah knows best. wassalaam. ------------- Allah is Sufficient as a Walee (Protector) and Allah is Sufficient as a Naseer (Helper). (Surah An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #45) |
Posted By: mohammad
Date Posted: 20 February 2007 at 12:43am
| Clear you mind, trust on her honest approach and make own and her life easier and happier. |
Posted By: USA-NIQAABI
Date Posted: 20 February 2007 at 7:56am
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Assalamu'Alaikum, The only advice you should seek out on this type of issue is in the Quran' and Sunnah...and than if you still have questions about this very personal issue it is best to speak with a scholar or Imam at your local masjid or Islamic center.... MasSalaama |
Posted By: mohammad
Date Posted: 20 February 2007 at 8:31pm
| Nice piece of advice |
Posted By: nu001
Date Posted: 10 March 2007 at 2:43am
You are right, it was there before Islam came. Islam has guided us to the right path. That was some 1400 years back. Now it has been institutionalized by the west (Live together). Unfortunately now some people are indulging into it because of western influence. Salam ------------- "Al-Quran-The only Straight path to success. Alhamdulillah" |
Fallen wrote:Posted By: liyala
Date Posted: 16 March 2007 at 3:29pm
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Assalaam alaikum AskariMan, just re-iterating:
------------- liyal.a |
Posted By: umsami
Date Posted: 11 April 2007 at 8:31am
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Assalamu Alaikum: I agree with what the others have written regarding the Sister. As for Muslims and pre-marital sex... the double standard that has existed since time began still plays on. Most families will look the other way if their sons are playing around before marriage, but not if their daughters are. Yet women have physical needs as well. Many parents make marriage difficult with their requirements regarding the groom, bride, mahr, whatever. The cost of marriage is prohibitive for some. Given all that, yes, it seems that premarital sex is on the rise for both sexes. One also hears about muta or secret marriages happening in Sunni societies as well. She's brave to tell you... and honest. It means she trusts you a lot, because if you were to tell anybody what she told you, it could have serious repercussions for her. Consider that a very good sign. Both of her honesty and the trust she has for you. Peace. |