Dear Hadi,
I am a 41 year old male studying at a university in East Africa.
I converted to Christianity through the Internet back in 2009 and have since been working with some American Missionaries among Somali refugees.
I came here as a refugee also. I realize now that I was young and confused at that time. I am not happy with the mission work I have been doing.
I am very depressed and have been thinking of suicide. I am not sure if I can go back to my Islamic roots, if God will forgive me, or if the community will accept me.
Please give me some guidance.
Dear Converted Away,
We're truly sorry for the struggles you are experiencing and would like to strongly encourage you to seek out a therapist to speak with, and until then, please seek counseling from any available suicide hotline. Your life is far too valuable to give up on. You were committed enough to work as a missionary, and that shows that you truly care about faith and about people. You must now channel some of that care towards yourself.
With regard to returning to your Islamic roots, we don't see any reason why you couldn't do this. We recently answered a somewhat similar question (Can I come back to Islam a second time?) and reminded that reader of Quran verse 39:53
“O my servants who have transgressed themselves, do not despair of God’s mercy. Indeed, God forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.”
If you believe you made a mistake when you were young, you should not despair of God's mercy and your past should not impede your ability to return to Islam. The shaytan will attempt to use your sadness against you, to paralyze you from moving forward. His goal is to make you among those described in Quran verse 47:34
"Surely those who disbelieve and hinder others from the Way of Allah, and then die as disbelievers; Allah will never forgive them."
The real tragedy would be to let the shaytan succeed. The door to Islam and to repentance is always open, up until a person draws their last breath. That is why the Prophet (pbuh) was at his uncle Abu Talib's bedside as he was dying, urging him, "Uncle, say there is no God but Allah, a word that I can use to defend you before Allah (SWT)." Put your trust in God's mercy. Those who commit major sins, such as associating partners with Allah SWT, have indeed been warned of a dire punishment, except for those who repent sincerely, as you want to do - they instead will earn a great reward, as noted in the Quran verse 25:70
"As for those who repent, believe, and do good deeds, they are the ones whose evil deeds Allah will change into good deeds. For Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful."
We think you will find your Muslim community not just accepting, but supportive of, and rejoicing in, your return.
May God bless you as you make your way forward.
In peace.