Did he betray me?

Sister I have a question (something a lot of women miss).....

If you divorced your husband and he had a "fling" with another woman how did he betray YOU? You divorced him and you in that lapse in your relationship was not committed to each other.....

Mowgli,

I'm not going to sugarcoat anything to you here but, HE doesn't owe you anything. If you two are divorced and you both have consciously made that comittment to NOT reconcile what rule of thumb does it say that a man should maintain his feelings? Of course as humans its only natural that we sustain those past feelings of emotional attachment aftera divorce (or serious breakup) however regardless whether these feelings are natural does not necessitate that we should "honor" emotional ties. I personally think you are wrong to say that he should be anyway ashamed of having "flings" with other women. Now, if you both plan to reconcile and both made the committment to reconcile then its his duty to NOT go astray from such a committment, but if his attitude is haphazard and is not fully committed then you should not expend energy to an individual that is not 100% committed.

He claimed to love me so
much, how could he have done something like this with someone else?

Ok. Again if both of you made th joint committment to divorce and both of you are conscious of such a committment then there is no rule forcing either of you to maintain emotional ties.

Even though I initiated a divorce (which was not completed, therefore we
are still married, and were when he was with this woman), I could never
dream of touching another man.

Both of you are bound by marriage only legally. Now, I'm not sure if you are telling us the entire story but unless you both plan to reoncile in the near future he does not owe you anything emotionally. For the sake of sanity if you both plan on not reconciling its best you go through the divorce because so many people stay married legally becase of not letting go or some stay married for the benefits of being married while the two members go out looking for inimacy elsewhere. If you decide to stay faithful to him for whatever reason is a personal choice you have made but if he has shown you that he is not full committed to you and has not expressed reconciliation then let it go. The worse thing to do is stay committed to an individual who does not want to be with you. Its better for you and your psyche to move on and find someone else worthy of you instead of maintaining this attachment with this person.

*Note: I had to re-read my post and the author's post and passed over the remark made by the author: "He said SHE kissed HIM." When I re-read that I laughed. That type of intimate act involves conscious involvement unless they were conversing and she lauched foward surprisingly and kissed on the mouth. I think he should not be exempt for such an excuse that is typical guy move. LOL

Assalamu Alaikum Sister:

First of all, and I can't stress this strongly enough, Sisters need to know their rights in Islam. Otherwise you are at the mercy of whatever anyone wants to tell you, which may or may not be correct.

I can recommend a book entitled: "Woman in Shariah" by Abdur Rahman I Doi, which is pretty good and touches on the basic subjects.

Second, if you ask for Khul, and return your dowry or an agreed upon portion, then your husband has no choice but to accept the divorce. He is not asking for talaq, you have asked for the khul. Why does he have to sign anything?

The khul is irrevocable. Once you ask for the khul, you are divorced. You do not have to wait for him to pronounce talaq three times, you don't have to do the khul three times, once you have asked for it, returned the dowry, it is done. He has no right of return. You can remarry, if you want to, but you have to remarry. You cannot just go back together.

That being said, I can understand your hurt and confusion about what your ex-husband did. I can't think that "technically" he was unfaithful as you are divorced, but the fact that he could turn to someone else so quickly while professing love to you has to hurt. And it must feel like a betrayal. How can he love you and be with someone else? It doesn't speak much to his character or his principles at this point, but he is probably hurting also.

But putting this sense of betrayal aside, perhaps you should look back to why you wanted the divorce to begin with. There must have been a reason, despite the fact that you love him. If the original reason has not changed, then why would you consider going back to him? Won't you just want out again? 

Since you are already out of the marriage, maybe you should take some time to get over this hurt, the loneliness and feeling of loss that divorce brings, and give yourself a chance to heal. Then you will be able to think more clearly and decide if he is really what you want or if you are just reacting to all of the drama and emotion.

Salaams