Urgent Marriage Advice Needed |
Post Reply | Page 123 6> |
Author | |
jacquie
Starter Joined: 01 August 2008 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 18 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Posted: 01 August 2008 at 3:42am |
Salam Alykom wa Ramatulahe wa Baraketo I am in a terrible position with my husband. He has told me he doesn't want to be married to me any longer. I am devastated, I love him so much, he is usually a wonderful man. Our problems usually are caused by my jealousy and insecurity. He has hid things from me many times, and then I learn of them and get angry with him. Last week, he told me he needed to change his life, and was going to leave me. I cried and begged him to please not leave for hours. He left but then called me, I kept crying until I passed out, so he came home, and promised he would stay, and said he was sorry for hurting me. Everything seemed to get better until yesterday. He is in Neptune, NJ for meetings for his job, and among others is a woman, that I had found her number on his phone a few weeks ago. When we spoke yesterday afternoon, he told me that he was in his room with his roommate and said that they were going to go walk at the boardwalk. I asked him if the woman was going to go also, and he didn't answer me, so I asked again, and he said yes. He knew this would upset me, but he chose to go because he didn't want to remain in his room alone. I later found out that she sat in the front seat next to him. I was hurt and mad about this and sent him several text messages telling him how I felt, and told him that I was going to leave. He begged me to calm down, that there is nothing between them. I called him later, but his cell phone was turned off, I called the hotel room and no one answered. I tried for an hour to call him. I sent the woman a text message to have him call me and within moments, he called me. He told me that he had been sitting outside of his room. This morning the same thing happened again. After thinking about it, I decided to go to him to suprise him. I bought a new outfit and drove 2 hours to see him. I was waiting for him when he came out of his meeting, he walked out with her and another man, but she was close to my husband. When my husband saw me, he wasn't happy that I was there. We drove back to his hotel, where he told me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that he is not coming home. I tried to talk to him, to calm him down, and asked him to please forgive me, but he said it is final that our marriage is over. He did not give me talaaq, but he says that our marriage is over and told me to get in my car and go home. As soon as I got out of the car he left.I sat in my car for a long time crying, I calmed myself and decided to go home to prevent from making him any madder with me. I had a minor car accident on my way home, and because I could not stop crying the police officer would not let me drive my car, and made me get a hotel room or he was going to make me go to the hospital. I sent my husband a message telling him what happened 2 hours ago, and he hasn't called me. I can barely see through my tears to write this email to you, I would do anything it takes to save my marriage, wa'Allahe, and I told him that, but he doesn't care. He is mad that I over reacted to what happened. I partially agree, but also think that it was wrong for him to take that lady with him, and for not telling me the whole truth. Please tell what I should do, I am an American Revert, and sometimes overstep my boundries as a Muslim wife, Wa'Allahe, I know that I should not get so angry, but it hurts that he hides things from me, especially when it involves other women, even if he has not done anything wrong. I asked him to help me control this by not hiding things from me, but he still hides things from. Please, please help me so that I do not lose my husband. I am so devastated about this, I don't want to lose him, he has made such a difference in my life, I love him, and don't know how I will survive with out him.
Edited by jacquie - 03 August 2008 at 6:23am |
|
Hayfa
Senior Member Female Joined: 07 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 2368 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Asalam Alaikum Jacquie,
Welcome. Well sad you came to the forum for this reason. Marriage can be such a challenge indeed.
Allah tests all of us.. every person is tested. This is a test. It is more about what your husband does and does not do as it is about your relationship with your Creator.
Our number one goal is to be closer to Allah. I have moments too of extreme distress in my life since becoming a Muslim. And I have learned painfully and slowly that all of this, "angst" is actually a dis-ease of the heart. Truly this is what it is. Yes your husband may be acting one way or another. But one should never love any person or thing more than Allah. It is a challenge. No doubt about that as we are taught byeverything around us to live for this Dunya. It is hard not to get pulled into it.
I see this time and time again, and it is hard not to, don't mis-understand me, where women make their husbands the center of their world. Men are but human with failings and short-comings. One should only put one's complete faith in Allah.
Painful as it may seem, all of this is temporary. Every moment of time is a drop of sand in the bottle. This extreme angst will pass if you ask Allah for help and guidance.
Honestly, you have given your husband way too much power!
As far as practical measures.. has your husband said why he needs a change? I'll tell you, men like to feel "needed" but they are not, in general, fond of excessive emotionally clinginess.
You need to give both of you space.. do you have support, friends or family? It is not the end of the world.
Yes you are "right" in that he should not be making "friends" with other women. There are legitimate ways to go about things. It is allowable for men to have more than one wife. It does not mean you are or are not doing something "wrong". But groveling is not healthy.
So pray to Allah... And work on your deen where you goal in life is to please Allah
I shall add you to my Duas.
Hayfa
|
|
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
|
|
Shasta'sAunt
Senior Member Female Joined: 29 March 2008 Status: Offline Points: 1930 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Salaams Sister:
I am sorry about your situation but you will survive. It may not seem like it right now but you are much stronger than you think you are. We all are.
I'm not sure how you feel you have over stepped your boundaries as a Muslim wife? Because you don't want your husband hiding things and being around other women?
If your husband hides things from you then he is creating an atmosphere of distrust and suspicion. Why should he be surprised if you react that way?
If the situation were reversed and he asked you to stay away from a male co-worker and not to spend personal time with the man wouldn't you do what he asked to keep from hurting him? The fact that you made your feelings clear, which by the way WAS NOT an unreasonable request personally and Islamically, and he chose to ignore them and do something that has caused you so much pain is very telling on his part.
Also the fact that you were in a car accident and he hasn't bothered to call and check on you...
As difficult as it may be you have to let him go. The more you try to hold onto him and force him to stay the more trapped he will feel. If he has it in his mind that he wants to leave, you acting crazy possessive is just going to reinforce his reasons for wanting to go. Just give both of you some time.
If you still want him back after his disregard for your feelings then perhaps he will come back after having some time to think.
But Sister, you have to realise, you can't make someone stay with you if they don't want to. No matter what you do. So it is better to keep some dignity because one day you will look back and wonder what the heck you were thinking.
Edited by Shasta'sAunt - 02 August 2008 at 11:50pm |
|
�No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.�
Eleanor Roosevelt |
|
jacquie
Starter Joined: 01 August 2008 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 18 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
**Update**
That night, I did end up in the hospital due to a pancreatitis attack, brought on by the emotions, he went to the hospital and sat with his back to me, with each onset of severe pain, he wouldn't turn around, did nothing to console me, the only time he'd look at me was with so much hate in his eyes. When we left, he offered to drive me back to my room, but I told him no.
I called several area masjids to ask for some intervention, sadly, no one has returned my calls. Maybe if someone were to talk to him, other then his single friends, it would help.
He called me the other day and I asked him for an explaination of how he loves me so much one day and the next he doesn't, he insists he doesn't know, but that it is over.
I have an appointment on Monday to discuss filing for legal seperation, mostly to protect myself, but also if he is not coming home, this is what he wants. This is still so painful, but as everyone says, I will get over it. I have to.
Thank you all for you advice, please keep sending it. Allah knows that I need as much encouragement as possible.
|
|
abuayisha
Senior Member Muslim Joined: 05 October 1999 Location: Los Angeles Status: Offline Points: 5105 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Do you have children?
|
|
jacquie
Starter Joined: 01 August 2008 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 18 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
I have a 10 year old daughter from my first marriage that is also heartbroken. My husband replaced her father, she even called him Daddy.
|
|
Shasta'sAunt
Senior Member Female Joined: 29 March 2008 Status: Offline Points: 1930 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
"I called several area masjids to ask for some intervention, sadly, no one has returned my calls. Maybe if someone were to talk to him, other then his single friends, it would help."
Perhaps you should go to a musjid and speak to the Imam directly. Do you have a musjid that you go to or where you were married? Do you know any sisters in your area who know a good Imam: one that won't just take the man's side?
The Imam might speak with him if your husband is willing, but he can't make him come back or stay.
I really do understand that feeling of "what happened?". One day things seem o.k. then the next the man you thought you'd spend your life with is a cruel stranger who is walking away. You are probably going to beat yourself up about all of this and wonder what you could have done to stop it or make him stay. How you could have been better, but it isn't really you. It's him. He made this choice and all you can do is decide how you will react to it.
I know it is so hard and maybe for a while you will lose trust in yourself and your judgement because you didn't see this coming and he isn't the person you think he is, but once again it's him. You saw what he wanted you to see until he didn't want you to see it anymore. Now you are seeing the real man you married. Is this a man you would even want to marry, this man you are seeing now? When things get really hard and you feel totally devastated just remember that this is the real man, not the one you have in your memories.
You will be o.k.. It might take a while, but you will be o.k.. And you have to be strong for your daughter. How you react now will affect how she reacts to men in the future.
|
|
�No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.�
Eleanor Roosevelt |
|
Hayfa
Senior Member Female Joined: 07 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 2368 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Asalam Alaikum,
It must be terribly painful for you to be going through this.
As Shasta's Aunt said, you need to be strong for your daughter... hard as it will be.
Marriage is a challenge. People change as they go through life. It is hard to ever pin point "what went wrong." But often people grow in different directions as people and as Muslims.
Focus on Allah. Pray. We do so get caught up in this Dunya. It is HARD not to.
In any case, give yourself time and space.
|
|
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
|
|
Post Reply | Page 123 6> |
Tweet
|
Forum Jump | Forum Permissions You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |