my mom wont let me marry him

i grew up in california however my parents were raised in the middle east. i am 19 years old and i want to marry an african american man who is very religious, works and is also in school. my father passed away a year ago and now my mother is saying i cant marry this brother because he is not arab. all my uncles are agreeing with her too. what should i do?

We are very sorry to hear that you lost your father and certainly your uncles and mom must feel an extra sense of responsiblity concerning your affairs.  With about half of all marriages in this country ending in divorce, your family's objections are legitimate in my opinion.  I believe that most successful marriages are those in which couples share common ethnicities.  Also, it is critical that your family accept your mate because families do play an important role in marriage.  It is a mistake to cause family estrangement for the sake of a spouse.  If you are unable to secure approval heed their advice and do not marry the African American.   I think it is important to mention, that many times when attraction relationships are developed, it through un-islamic means: dating, frequent e-mails/telephone contacts, flirting and physical contact.  All of these are not appropriate for someone who is "very religious" and must be avoided, thus protecting your heart (emotional feelings) when these relationships do not work out as you hoped.  Navigating the tumultuous waters of marriage is extremely difficult.  Will this man be there for you when your family isn't?:"We told you not to marry him" will be their response.  You will be forced to depend to heavily upon your husband for support.  Men are very supportive before marriage and up until the honeymoon ends, but afterwards will he possess the level of maturity necessary for such a relationship?  You are wise to seek advice.  Your family are thinking with their heads and you with your heart (infatuation).  Concentrate on your education, get your degree.  Let the young man finish his education and stop mixing with him.  May Allah, Most High, guide you to what is correct.

 

Salaam alaikum Angel

I am African American, a convert Muslim of 7 years, married six years, and a mother of one daughter.  My husband is native African from the West African Nation of Senegal. So this is where I'm comming from as I try to offer some positive less discriminatory advice.

 

1. You mentioned you just lost your farther ra, I also recently lost my mother a year ago.  Speaking from personal experience of going through the grief, depression, and despair- I would encourage you not to make any major life decisions right now, be sure you are truly in your right mind.  If you are depressed about your farthers death which is normal and you may not realize it, seek professional help and build a positive support system with Muslimas who are happy with Allah, happy with life in general, and who will benefit you. Some people may not even realize they are depressed becuase they are in the midst of their depression looking out while others are looking in. Trust me I've been there.

2. You mentioned your age.  In the end, you will do what you want to do, becuase it's your life. You may want to get into a womens support group even with non-Muslims and take your time and figure out who you are, what you truly want, and where you are going. Did your upbringing prepare you for marriage and family or did it prepare you for college and career?

3. Let me tell you, when you start having children, you are going to need your mother. It's easy to say things now but wait until you are trying to push out a baby or lying on a surgery rome or better yet wait until the baby is waking you up every hour and your husband has to work so you have no one to take care of you and help you out. You are going to need your family sister. It's unhealthy for a couple not have any type of support system.

4. I'm not going to assume or slander a brother I don't even know. AstafurdeAllah. We don't know if you two are mixing at least alone. We aren't there but you sure are.  Not all Muslim scholars prohibit dating provided that other things are in place such as chaperones, meeting in public places with a relative, or comming over for dinner in a relatives house.  You need to decide for your self what you are comfortable with and what you feel would strengthen your relationship with Allah. Always, always put Allah first.

continued 

Salaam Angel

I wanted to add something else

Be prepared for these arguements:

Delusion no 1

" Don't marry an African American male convert because he may apostate from Islam and black men don't even go to their own church."

Reality Check

" Many birth Muslims are in a serious state of prolonged kufr not making any effort to heal and move forward, they are quite content being disaffected. They may not verbally apostate but there life style and life decisions scream apostation from miles away. It's not limited to black converts it's everybody."

Delusion no 2

" Don't marry black Muslim men because they force their women to work and don't keep a steady job, you will always suffer."

Reality Check

" In mainstream Muslim communities black people become Muslim while they are in a college and even, in addition to that in the non Muslim community at large most upper middle class black men are in both interacial and interfaith relationships, and many of the middle class blacks came from two parented traditional homes in which the mother stayed home."

Delusion no 3

" Don't marry black Muslim men because they are violent and hoodlums."

Reality Check

" Main mainstream Islamic assocations have 'declared war' on domestic violence and admit it is a major problem. The majority of these assocations are predominately arab, pakistani, and malaysian."

Delusion no 4

" If you marry a black Muslim man your children will be ugly and dark no one will want them."

Reality Check

" The ambassador from Saudia Arabia is black! Not only that there are dark skinned or brown skineed Arabs, Pakistani's, and indonesians. And they are married so obviously some body wanted them."

I have heard these "delusions" over and over again even amongst white converts.

It is this sick psychology that I must equip my own children to repel and rise above so that their self esteem and heart doesn't become broken because they never had a chance from the beginning. Never mind the little black boys and girls be they native African or African American never mind their humanity, never mind their feelings, their worthless any way right? Very sick psychology and NOTHING in Islam justifies racism what so ever, who are says so is a LIAR or MUNAFIK the Prophet sws clearly state that a white is not better than a black and a black is not better than a white. There is no way that can be misunderstood.

Glad I will be moving to Senegal, thank goodness my children wont have to experience this bull hockey.