My husband has another wife

As-salaam alaykum warahamatullah wabarakatuh

This is a little "off" the present discussion,but i thought of sharing it with you because I believe it would be useful considering what the main topic generated..

Labelling,tagging,talkingdown,discriminating,relegating,segr egating&any other adjective you can find similar to these words,cut across every Race,Tribe,Ethnic,Culture,just name it.And I want to correct your impression that these things only 'exist' amongst"Born Muslims" & "Reverts".That is not the case my dear brethren.I am a born-Muslim,who's had the privilege of visitng another Continent besides my Home Country.And it isn't because you're not born-Muslims,but because there's a difference between a "Muslim" and a "Muhmin".Anyone could be a Muslim,by name,by birth or by Reverting.This doesn't mean such person has the'knowledge of Islam" or have enough Taqwa to appreciate&respect any other Muslim who's just getting to understand Islam better.A Muhmin would have the fear of Allah to appreciate that we differ in our intellectual capability& piety.Anyone who taggs another fellow Muslim for being a Revert, because he or she's a born-Muslim,obviously has a lot to learn about the meaning of "Islam".Allah is Al-Hakam,--The Judge.That attribute isn't any human's, which is why nobody,irrespective of your level of Religious practices or if you're a Reknowned Scholar has the right to say so and so is 'more Pious' because of the mode of dressing,the type&size of Ijab,the Race, or whatever.We are required as Muslims to guide ourselves &encourage each other in doing good&forbidding evil.But it doesn't give anyone the right to call other Muslims names or rebuke them,just because you feel they are less knowledgeable'.

I equally want you to know that it doesn't matter if you are a born-Muslim because some people just find themselves born as a Muslim,but do not go beyond 'bearing Muslim names'.All other acts of Ibaadat are neglected.Imagine what comments would be passed if such person treats another Muslim unfairly.They would say,afterall...........My point is,we born-Muslims amongst ourselves have been prejudiced by our fellow Muslims & people of other race.I for one have experienced it.I do not mean any offence to Pakistanis,but they are far from friendly&when they come across Muslims from other race.I have heard people call them'Racists'&would not blame anyone for their conclusion because of what I went through as well.

However,one must be fair&not make a blanket judgement.The fact that a person,amongst hundreds of others behaved badly towards you doesn't mean the rest are like that.And it definately doesn't mean,that's what Islam "preaches".Individual characters must be considered before one makes a'general conclusion'.

It might interest you to know that in my Country,some people with the full"Jilbab" consider themselves as better Muslims(mostly more Pious)&refuse to relate with a fellow sister in Scarf or other forms of Ijab besides theirs.I was rejected for this same reason&considered myself as a lesser person in hierarchy of Pious people ,until I learnt & understood Islam better.And my case is just one of many.I personally made it my responsibility to talk to upcoming Muslims to ignore whatever comments anyone passes on them about what they wear or what they think of them.Only Allah knows the hearts of us all.So,please,do not think that a born-Muslim is better than any other Muslim,revert,convert or whatever,just because they act or think so.They're just wallowing in their shallow minds devoid of true faith&understanding of their Deen.

I broke away from being a subject of such mentality & suggest you do the same.

May Allah guide us all to the right path&that which pleases Him most.

Alwardah wrote: abuayisha wrote: Alwardah wrote: Don't worrry so much about the co-wife  Wow, how realistic is that? He leaves for extended periods. Very realistic she is entitled to half his time. 3 month here, 3 months there.

My point is not concerning division of time, which is nothing to worry about, but what certainly troubles most women, and that is knowing their husband is with another woman.  How do you ask they not worry about this?  How realistic is that?

Sister Martha, here are your own words: 

"I'm not sure I am growing as a muslim when I am with my husband. He does not direct me in the right path." 

i think we all agree that a marriage with Allah at the center of it is more pleasing to Allah and to ourselves, no matter its cultural context.  I think a marriage without Allah in the center is displeasing to Allah, particularly if it is based on lies, manipulation and selfish desire, all of which are in opposition to Allah's commands.

Justification for remaining in Martha's marriage is weak...her interest in ending her marriage is quite different to wanting out because of boredom, family problems, love for another, affair, growing apart, career, etc.  Her marriage was based on deception.  Allah gave us divorce as an option, and I really can't think of a better reason for it than Martha's--a totally deceptive marriage to someone that deters her from honoring Allah, is unkind to her, doesn't fear Allah in his life, bars her from having a fulfilling relationship with her in-laws, etc. While Allah has commanded us to be firm in our patience,  He also clearly provides us with means of divorce in the Qur'an. 

I see our discussion here as twofold:

1.  whether Allah will be more pleased with Sister Martha if she uses the divorce option He gave the Islamic Ummah, to find a man that loves, fears and honors Allah, and will foster her growth in Islam, in himself and in their union

2.  our haram tendencies to allow culture, skin color and predispositions to cause pain and lack of acceptance within the Ummah (as we see in Martha's difficulties with her husband and his Pakistani family and Hayfa's expressed difficulty in experiencing acceptance with "born Muslims")

Allah judges us in light of our dedication to Him, without any heed of culture (as far as I know).  If this is how Allah limits his view of us, then who are we to view one another in any other light? 

I live in the NYC metro area and am blessed to have Sisters hailing from all over the world in my life.  Alhamdullah, we benefit from one another's different perspectives.  We must consciously limit our differences to positive usage only.  Martha, are you active in your immediate Muslim community?  Masha'allah, I found wonderful, pious, brilliant friends by simply going to masjid for Salah and through attending classes.  It seems that you may need sisters that cherish you, and desire to bring honor to Allah through your friendship.  Am I correct in identifying your need?  Of course, we all need this.

I think using cultural differences as a basis for separation of anything Allah has joined together  is wrong.  If a mature person fears Allah, then he will focus on his/her spouse's character and Islam, and demand that his family and friends do the same.  He will not succumb to their pressures that are in opposition to the criteria set forth by Allah.  A righteous family will view her as a sister of the islamic Ummah and shower her with love.  If that's not the case, then they are wrong.  Allah commands us to be content with our muslim brothers and sisters, whether in the immediate family, local community or the islamic Ummah.  Being sensitive to cultural differences is one thing; using them as a means of physical or emotional distance is another.  And I think we must be very conscious of this as muslims.  Let's always cherish our differences and use them as a means of brining more honor to Allah.

As for #1 above, Sister Martha, I am in no way a scholar, but as I see it, I think you should love yourself as Allah loves you.  He chose to guide each of us reading this post closer to Him becuase He loves us, becuase He is Merciful, and we should therefore love ourselves enough to take good care of ourselves--to chose husbands that will help us grow closer to Allah, and to rid ourselves of those who harm us.  How can a marriage built on a foundation of deceit and continuing in lies and imposed turmoil honor Allah and you, His very precious female creation? 

On a final note, I have no idea if you're praying 5x per day, but once I began doing it, my life changed completely for the better.  I recommend Istakhara for your situation, if you haven't already done it.  It took me a long while to finally be in a place where I was truly ready to pray it.  but once i did, specific direction didn't come, but a peace that guides me did. As for a community, maybe your best sister-friends will be on this board for now.  love and salaam...

Salaams Martha,

I think your words are quite heartfelt. I think that many reverts face this "no-where" land.. we are really somewhere on the Moslem continuum.   And maybe as we have entered into Islam a bit later than those born into Islam, we are more prone to examine our lives. But where exactly do we "fit" in?

I too often think I don't belong anywhere. After having "visited" amazing Moslem families in Pakistan I have felt this more acutely then ever before. Even if your family accepts one becoming A Moslem, unless they also do, things are bound to change. Friendships change. People who you were close to, one often is as close to. Typically you no longer "join" in their activities.  Some people loose their families and friends all together. You know that you are "separate" from many others.

It is hard to find any type of "acceptance" or should I say "community" with born Moslems. I often think it has to do with the way we are raised, what we focus on, etc. For instance, when I was in Pakistan, I had a harder time relating to the women then the men. Having been raised in the west, I was raised to be independent, focus on education, discuss politics, travel on my own, etc. It is a different world then what most women who either live overseas or come to US experience. And they had one thing we don't typically have, very strong families and a sense of place. They have something very precious. So I never, ever have looked at my life as "better." It is all what one is used to.  

One thing I did find was that my goal had to be is take each person as an individual.  People get SO caught up in group identity, cultural identity that they view everyone through that prism. I met some really amazing women in Pakistan. Some of them are actually illiterate. And yet they showed me a lot about myself as a person from them. They were genuine, kind, funny, smart people.

I agree with that people often make Islam quite complicated.  It is our human weaknesses I believe. I think that people often cannot 'see' what is right in front of them. It is sadder if you see it in Moslems as they have it "given" to then. I think that true spiritual living appears hard to experience.  People, as you said, are caught up in this world. And often have nothing but petty things to focus on. It amazes me. There are so many greater things to worry about and people spend a lot of time putting others down or judging them.

It is good you have spoken to his family. Would any of his sisters or mom be better able to help you understand the situation? The unknown makes it far more difficult to make a decision that is right for you.  Does his other wife live with them?

I also think you need to have a heart to heart talk with your husband. Part of it is finding out what does he want? What he truly wants will give you insights into his motivations and what the future may hold for you.  I  can imagine it is quite difficult for you.. and remember, you don't have to make any major decision today. Pray and reflect.

Take care..

Hayfa