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Why does my husband act this way? |
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proudmuslima3 
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Joined: 01 April 2008 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 24 |
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 Topic: Why does my husband act this way?Posted: 15 June 2008 at 11:06pm |
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Salams Sister
Please remember that Allah is in controll at all times and that u moving away was decree of Allah. Allah has reasons 4 wat he does but its up 2 us 2 fully submit with the good and bad. Embrace ur situation and try 2 make the best of it. Try 2 say 2 ur self "THIS IS FROM ALLAH AND I WILL EMBRACE WAT HE PUTS IN MY PATH" Ive been going thru some very difficult times myself and my mother-in-law told me this and ive been trying 2 put it into practice. I hope it can help u. AIM 2 PLEASE ALLAH AND KEEP HIM HAPPY
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Sign*Reader
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Joined: 02 November 2005 Status: Offline Points: 3352 |
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Posted: 09 May 2008 at 10:12pm |
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Look at the following list; moving away from the family is not one of them. Alhamdulilah What is the move distance, is it within the country or across globe? As you said he started a new job, he must have more stress than you would! What are your ages? Was this some thing not in the cards that a move will take place and out of the blue for no tangible reason? People are moving across borders to make a livings in today's economy! Stressful Life Events
4. Death of a close family member 5. Serious financial difficulty and moving house 9. Marital separation due to arguments 10 . Unwanted pregnancy 11. Divorced 12. Fired from a job 13. Death of a close friend 15. Unemployed for 1 month 16. Serious personal physical illness Edited by Sign*Reader - 09 May 2008 at 10:22pm |
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Kismet Domino: Faith/Courage/Liberty/Abundance/Selfishness/Immorality/Apathy/Bondage or extinction.
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fareeda
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Joined: 04 May 2008 Location: United Kingdom Status: Offline Points: 92 |
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Posted: 09 May 2008 at 9:30am |
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Dear Sister Sakoot,
Assalamualaikum,
You're asking why your husband behaves this way and why he gets frustrated & angry when you discuss about depression and why he throws things. You said you wanted to help him get better. Yet you also say you definitely don't need any counselling as this happens very rarely that you get into these types of weird arguments.
For the benefit of sisters who do have problems such as these I will assume your problems are frequent.
One of the reasons could be that he's finding it just as difficult trying to settle in this new place with you, but he isn't telling you about his frustrations, (from moving, his work, family, friends etc), because he may not want to burden you with his problems. When you tell him you get depressed, I can understand many men may get upset if their wives discussed about depression, because it makes them feel they are inadequate in some way of providing peace and security and happiness for their wives. So then when he gets frustrated, because he doesn't know how to help you and then you want to 'fix' that. No doubt that will make him feel worse, because he may be thinking that you are blaming him for your problems, or that you don't understand how much he loves you and how much he's trying his best, in to make you happy. Basically it seems he can't cope with extra pressure on him about your depression and he doesn't want to be 'fixed' on his weak points, but wants to forget about his outburst so that he can be more happier for you. When you remind him of his outbursts this makes him upset as he thinks about the way he behaves and that triggers the memory to that negative behaviour which he re-lives again, so then he reacts in the same way. To stop this, you will have to stop telling him to see someone for anger management, and allow him space to be himself and let him work it out, perhaps try and stop yourself from asking him why he behaves this way and that you're depressed.
Another reason why he may get upset is that because I think some men want their wives to be strong and to look after their health. A 'weak' wife may make a husband feel emotionally weak so he needs you to be strong, so that he can spend happier times with you, forget his frustrations and both of you have pleasant romantic feelings together during intimacy and share beautiful memories.
It is a fact that many women will go through depression and many men find it hard to cope. Do you have children? If not may be that may also be the reason. The need to have someone with you, this longing can be for children. Unfortunately, if you are taking contraceptives, they can harm your interior clock and make you depressed to the point of being almost suicidal. The herb, St Johns Wort is marvelous in helping rid of depression, but do not take it if you are on any medication.
You have another option, which is to set a date for visiting your family, or they could come over and see you there and can stay over for a few days, to help take away the edge from settling in a new place and your lonliness.
Naturally living all alone without a family can be daunting. Perhaps talking to Muslim counselors who can do some life coaching skills and help you plan and achieve new goals in your life. May be you can help the community in some way, or do that course you were longing to do when you were younger, or share a new hobby with good friends. You can also purchase many good self help books which have positive affirmation and to kick out those out bad habits. While you become more creative and settled and have new company, this will insha Allah help your husband a great deal and may make it more comfortable for him to share his thoughts on his problems.
When you are feeling better and are more confident, you can be there for him when he needs you, I am sure that this will make him very happy.
Wasalam Edited by fareeda - 09 May 2008 at 11:33pm |
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sakooooot
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Joined: 06 April 2008 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 10 |
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Posted: 11 April 2008 at 8:51am |
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Ron, Thanks for the reply and advice. However, I must say the situation is not as dangerous as you seem to interpret and we definitely don't need any counselling. As I said earlier, this happens very rarely that we get into these types of weird arguments. I have yet to see a couple who doesn't get into fights. We never yell at each other or say bad words it's only when I mention the depression part he gets mad and you are right he does feel responsible for my depression at times. I am trying to take care of my depression by making new friends etc. and experimenting if this helps. We did discuss his frustrations and breaking things etc. and he promised he won't break things again. I am taking his word for it for now :) |
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Ron Webb
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Male atheist Joined: 30 January 2008 Location: Ottawa, Canada Status: Offline Points: 2467 |
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Posted: 09 April 2008 at 6:44pm |
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So you're depressed. And he's depressed. You try to talk to him about your feelings, but he won't listen. Instead, he tries to tell you about his feelings, but apparently you won't listen. This is way beyond me. Frankly, this combination of depression and alienation sounds dangerous and potentially explosive. IMHO you really need to talk to a marriage counsellor, or therapist or social worker of some sort. I don't know exactly what services might be available to help you, but I would urge you to look for qualified professional help ASAP. Unfortunately, I worry that your husband might not cooperate and might even get hostile about it. From what little you've told us, I suspect that part of his depression is that he feels responsible for the "tough time" that the two of you are going through. That would explain why he reacts so badly when you try to talk about it. He sees it as his responsibility to make his wife happy, and by talking about your depression you are implicitly telling him he is a failure as a husband. My only suggestion is to sit him down, tell him that you love him, and that you can see that he is not happy. Don't mention your own feelings, but try to get him to talk about his. If you can get him to open up about it, then you're probably halfway toward a solution already. Then a couple of days later, you can suggest some kind of counselling for the two of you. Not the same day, because you don't want him to think your concern for him was not sincere. The first conversation must be only about him, to reassure him that he can talk to you without feeling guilty or inadequate. The second one can be about the two of you, and how you can solve your problems together. Those are just my thoughts, but like I said, this is really beyond me. Good luck. |
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Hayfa
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Female Joined: 07 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 2368 |
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Posted: 09 April 2008 at 5:41am |
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Yes what does it say about the Ummah.. i agree...
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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Shasta'sAunt
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Female Joined: 29 March 2008 Status: Offline Points: 1930 |
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Posted: 08 April 2008 at 1:19pm |
Assalamu Alaikum Sister: Sadly I know many Muslim Sisters on anti-depressants. I don't know what that says about the Ummah. I haven't gotten that depressed yet, but I have thought about taking them a couple of times. I am just very paranoid about taking any medication, even Tylenol. The most difficult part for me is that my whole family has a really quirky sense of humor and we love to laugh and play jokes. My husband wouldn't know a joke if it hit him upside the head, and I have no-one here to even laugh with. The last time I really laughed and had fun was when my sister and her husband came to visit 2 years ago. Now THAT'S depressing! Insha'Allah you will find someone soon.
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�No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.�
Eleanor Roosevelt |
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kiny
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Joined: 20 July 2005 Status: Offline Points: 15 |
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Posted: 08 April 2008 at 12:44pm |
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Shasta'sAunt you are right. Why is it so hard to re-locate and especially move away from your family? I miss my parents and two younger sisters so much. I was so used to doing everything with them and my friends like going to the mall, watching movies etc etc and now all of a sudden it feels like no one is there anymore :( but i am trying to keep a positive attitude. It's so hard to make friends esp. nice muslim friends who u can relate to. I feel isolated and depressed just like you but i have no option but to accept loneliness as my fate and just strive to make every day better. My doctor even told me that I will have to start anti-depressants if I don't change my lifestyle and try to get adjusted here as i am having major adjustment issues. Btw where do you live sister? I pray that you find some nice friends as do I! Thanks for sharing your story. |
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sakooooot wrote: