Disobedience

Not an Islamic opinion, but I have worked with many such situations.

Many children would be happy to be raised in a pious, Islamic environment. There are also many children so damaged that they will end up in prison or even worse, no matter what.

Every parent learns they can only guide their children. They cannot control them.

Since this is a trial period, make sure your strengths align with the desires of the child. Jesus had two famous sayings: "Do not try to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear", and "Do not cast your pearls before swine".

There is a child waiting who fits your family well. God has a plan for this incalcitrant child, but perhaps your returning him to the foundation is the guidance he needs. Do not deny a more promising child by wasting effort on one who is unworthy.

Adopting a child is more difficult than marriage! Be careful in matchmaking for mutual benefit. This child is who will care for you in your declining years.

We are in a test period, unless the child and the family say yes to the adoption. The child has strange ideas about society, he thinks he can steal everything, because the assistant protect him, now the child do not want to give 50 left euros and the assistant do not want to help about this, we are not in economical condition we can give the money he steals... and it is not correct, how to educate the child if we pay the money he takes, he could do it other times... we told many times he should not do these things, we give him attention, we say he's clever and should help others, but he does the contrary we say and now he's happy because he thinks he can go in the family care with 50 euros... in the family we are in a state of confusion, we cannot understand why he does this, when we ask he says because he wants. In other families he went, the sons went to the psychologist because of the kid's behaviour of stealing stuff in the family and leaving it at school or in other places, to annoy for several hours in more weeks also in the night and to make conflict in the parents, neighbours or people they know, the same things he does now with us, but we did not know anything about this and for more than two years we did not say anything to other people of his behaviour, but now he involved other people... At the foundation he had the same behaviour, but the assistant tries to cover the fact. The child now do not want absolutely to stay with us, is it a sin if they take him because of his will, that is not reasonable because he wants to take the money?

Assalamu Aleikum, I'm sorry for the long posts. The situation now is worst: the child tried to escape from the bus school, he stole 120 euros and tried to go to the police, telling that all the family's members punished him by corporal means, that is not true.The child told us he has done so because he wants do be indepedent. I read a lot of articles children who were educated by corporal means trie to be punished the same way by the adopting parents, but if they are not able they try to escape or to hurt people outside the family. I also read that the social service assistant do not do anything to improve the situation but says all the family memebers must go to the psychologist, not resolving the condition for years. Now one child of the family tried also to escape not standing the situation, and the service assistant says that the child has to go to a family care to be educated, but it is not reasonable, if the adopted children is the problem and they do not want to educate him. Now many people we knew do not want to talk with us after the child stole the things. The child is not adopted but in custody, he told the first time to the assistant he wanted to live with us, but now the child says he do not want, because he has to follow rules, as not stealing others. In Islam such situation is tollerable if you take a child against his will and if he hurts others and says lies to others against the family who wanted to adopt? We also discovered he went in other families in which many problems emerged in the sons and daughters beacuse of his behaviour, but the assistant do not want to talk about this.

Allah help you; there is a fundamental difference between punishment and discipline. Punishment is often when the parent or guardian is angry and seek to hurt the child as a result. Whereas discipline seeks to teach appropriate behavior. Given what this child must have gone through early on it is little wonder that he is angry. I suggest you do your best to educate yourself on how to effectively deal with him without allowing yourselves to descend into childish power struggles. Forget about punishment and concentrate your efforts on discipline and setting firm and consistent limits. And it is to Allah we give thanks and praise. Make plenty of dua!    

Edited by abuayisha - 28 October 2016 at 8:34am