Sad and Angry at my Husband!

Assalamu Alaikum Suzanne:

The children thing used to hurt me SO much! I waited because my ex asked me to., even though I made it very clear before we married that I wanted a family. He wanted to finish his education first, while I worked full-time and was financially responsible. Two weeks before his graduation he just told me one day that he didn't want to be married to me anymore. I thought he was joking he said it so calmly and then went to his part-time job. Within a week he had moved out and in with his cousin.

When he remarried his wife got pregnant right away and then I knew that he too wanted children, just not my children. By this time I was 37 and had developed huge cysts on my ovaries. I still hoped I could have children, but it was too late. I wasted all of my years on him and lost the chance. But, Al HamdilAllah, because if we had had children together we would have ended in divorce because he didn't want to be with me, or we would have stayed together for the children and been miserable. How unfair that would have been for the children.

However, I have to say that every once in a awhile I still cry when I think about never being a mom. I know we could adopt, but financially we can't consider that right now, perhaps never.

It used to really hurt when one of my friends would get pregnant, but now, Al HamdilAllah, it's just a small heartache instead of a breathtaking one. At least you still have time, just don't allow yourself too long before seeking an end to the marriage and moving on.

One day when you are remarried and have a baby, insha'Allah, you will look back and be amazed that you gave that man so much power over you because it will be so unimportant.

Salaams,

Dwanna

Assalamu Alaikum Sister Suzanne:

Al HamdilAllah you are getting out and spending time with other Muslims. I miss Nashville, the people there are so sweet and loving.

It will take time to get to the point where you won't want him anymore. It took me about six months of grieving. And it was grieving because I had lost what I thought of as my life and the man I was going to spend the rest of it with. But gradually I realised I was grieving for what used to be, and could never be again because he was gone and I had changed. I guess that's when I was all better. It's perfectly O.K. to feel grief, but you should never blame yourself or think that you deserve any of this.  

But one day you will feel free.  It will happen, and then you will feel sad once in a while, but you will be so much better. When I feel sad it is because I wasted so much time on him, time that I could have been having children, and then wasted time missing him. Now I cannot have children and that makes me very sad sometimes. Please don't let this happen to you.

It was very hard when I would see him or his brothers at the mosque or out somewhere, but after a while I just didn't care. I thought of how he had treated me and I didn't like that person. Insha'Allah you will feel that way too one day. Just give yourself time.

Salaams,

Dwanna

P.S. In the meantime, feel free to vent. It helps to just say these things and get them out. I used to drive my friends crazy calling them at midnight and crying... I never thought of going online or I could have saved them alot of sleepless nights...

Edited by Mishmish

Dear Sister,

As-salamu-laikum. I will definitely keep you in my prayers. Inshaallah you will get through this struggle with the help of Allah. May Allah give you strength and a great life in your future. Sincerly

Assalamu Alaikum Suzanne:

I know how hard this is for you, but you have got to stop thinking about why this happened, what you did or didn't do, and what he is doing now without you or you will go crazy.

I have been in your situation. When my first husband divorced me his family found him a seventeen year old girl from Jordan to marry. I was 36 when we divorced and had put off having children for him. He married her and brought her to Nashville, where I was still living, on the citizenship that I got him and paid for her with the Engineering degree that I helped him get. It was very difficult, but Al HamdilAllah he did what he did.

At the time I was devastated, but I decided that I didn't need him and I didn't need to be consumed with why he did it, because I would never really know why. It was just hurting me, not him, he already had another life. So, I studied Islam and discovered that I could be a much better person without him. If he hadn't done what he did, then I wouldn't have become a Muslim and I wouldn't be married to my husband now.

I couldn't see that at the time it was happening, but it turned out for the best. The most important thing I did was decide that I deserved better treatment and if he was the kind of man the would treat me the way he did, he wasn't the person I thought he was and he wasn't someone I wanted anyway. YOU DESERVE BETTER TREATMENT. YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO WILL TREAT YOU WITH KINDNESS AND LOVE AND MERCY.

If this man has treated you in this despicable manner, is he the man you married? Do you really want to be with this person he has become? You are missing the person he was in the past, not the man that he is now. But that other man is gone and no amount of driving yourself crazy will bring him back. Sister, please listen to someone who has been there, no man is worth this type of self-inflicted mental torture. Look deep inside yourself and find your strength and realise what a wonderful person you are and that you deserve someone who will respect, love, and cherish you.

Trust that Allah(SWT) will bring you through this and give you a life that is much better.