Oh no, it�s spreading!

I think our expectations are too high than our commitments to our Islamic centers. I certainly don't know about christian churches etc, however, in our islamic centers, there are no trained Islamic phycologists who could mitigate the issues between two human beings. All is done through elders guiding the youngers through mutual cooperation. I really feel this to be inadequate way of dealing with the problems, especially once it comes to an issue between a husband and wife. The problem is more aggrevated because of no formal method of providing education (about interrelationship between husband and wife) to our young ones. The most prevalent method among them is through peer to peer gossips, which again is full of myths and distortions than anything else. Very few parents, (I would say less than 1%) talk to their childern about this issue (even when they come to their marriageable age). After marriage, this education becomes a non-issue and they learnt through the hard way of life. I don't know if there are any good books on the issue by Islamic scholars etc. Now coming to the problems/issues of our islamic centers, I fully agree with sis herjihad especially once she mentions it and I quote

herjihad wrote: You talked about the core people at the mosque who are willing to do the work.  Those core people shut me out and many others because they like the power more than they mind the work.  We are not slaves to clean the toilets while they sit in meetings making important decisions for the community.  These people have thrown out and shut out so many families because they didn't like them.  And if the door is locked, give us a key!  Lock the computer room if you like, but locking the masjid without giving all non-criminals keys, is wrong.  I have wanted to pray many times while on the side of town where the mosque was, and it was locked.

I think, this need more effort by all of us in our respective centers to keep out these 'Core' people of limited vision to their limits and not let them feel unchallanged. Our efforts and only our sincere and concerted efforts to reform these centers shall be the success of the community whose fruit may we not eat but our children. Every opportunity must be availed to raise our democratic voices for our "right to know" where ever decisions are made. Every issue must be debated upon openly through logical reasoning with evidences. All the accounts of the center must be made transperant to its members and accountability of these accounts must be implemented through annual audit. Though the list of such measures is long, but the first step is what we are lacking now. After our first step, I hope the vehicle shall pick up its own momentum for the right direction. Inshallah. 

Assalamu alaikum,

Yes, I agree sister Nausheen.  Many wives fail to appreciate all their husbands do for them, and many husbands also fail to appreciate all their wives do for them.

That being said, the sad reality is that many brothers have wives who are a real trial to them and many, many, many sisters have husbands that are a real trial to them as well.

It is a sad fact that many of our sisters are sexually, physically and emotionally abused by their husbands.  It is also a sad fact that this behavior is mostly ignored by the ummah.  The men are not being told by the brothers that it is wrong and are not getting any help or support to change their behavior.

The sisters are not being educated, supported and helped to find solutions to their miserable conditions.  Many of our sisters suffer in silence (as do some brothers).  Many of our sisters struggle to raise children in the most despicable of conditions.

Yes, a good society most definitely starts at home.  But, if that home is filled with abuse or poverty or terribly 'unIslamic' conditions how can it contribute to the good of society as a whole?  It is up to the greater society to be aware of the conditions some are living in and to do something about it.

How many masjids/Islamic centers offer courses to help young men learn how to be good husbands?  How many masjids/Islamic centers offer courses to help young girls learn to be good wives?  Leaving this kind of learning up to the family alone does no good to the one growing up in a disfunctional family.

As a community we need to be aware of these problems, but, most importantly, we need to act upon them to improve the lives of our members.  There is a verse in the Qur'an that says something to the effect - 'your spouses and children shall be a trial to you'.  For some, this is certainly their reality.  No one should expect a spouse to be very grateful to someone who abuses them.  We should all expect to get help from our community to help improve the situation.

Peace, ummziba.

Bismillah,

I agree with Ummziba that these are productive posts by Ahmad and Abuaysha.  Abuaysha, I agree with your point about the misunderstanding of non-resident scholars for our issues in America.  Even the ones who have come here will take quite some time to figure out what our situations need.

I believe hardened hearts and judgmentalism separate us more than a 10 minute drive to visit one another.  The rules from other countries can apply here in terms of social interaction, but that leaves a lot of people with no one to interact with. 

We need to treat each other like close family.  Visit each other frequently.  Be nice and helpful.  Take chances and interact with people who intimidate you or seem strange.  Then we can be like family and get mad at each other and help each other.

If my son misbehaves, I do try to think of the best way to let him know that his behavior is not acceptable.  The men at the mosque could just let the people who are violent, abusive, intolerant, smelly, late, whatever, that they don't like it.  And offer real solutions to the brother's dilemma.  And forgive each other.  But while you're forigiving, don't forget the women and children who need real help much more quickly than we are getting it now.

I know the men are afraid to appear to be interested in the women and to check on us.  But who is going to do it?  Take your wife with you, and go visit and find out what the women who you've heard are hungry, lonely, beaten, sick need.

I need help from our mosque, but they won't do it.  They are too embarrased to deal with the situation.  It is my family's problem.  It is our fault because of this and that, whatever.  I asked the sheikh and a couple of brothers for help, and they gave some promises of future help, years ago, and pathetic excuses. (He's so sensitive.  He'll get mad at me if I talk to him about it.)

So the entire burden is on me.  And ISA Allah, SWT, will help and guide us. 

I Know this forum can do nothing for my situation, but I thought putting reality into the discussion might make other brothers in other mosques wake up.  Do something.  Don't be so shy of your fellow brother's feelings when his family, which includes his kids who are your brothers in Islaam also, is being devastated.

You talked about the core people at the mosque who are willing to do the work.  Those core people shut me out and many others because they like the power more than they mind the work.  We are not slaves to clean the toilets while they sit in meetings making important decisions for the community.  These people have thrown out and shut out so many families because they didn't like them.  And if the door is locked, give us a key!  Lock the computer room if you like, but locking the masjid without giving all non-criminals keys, is wrong.  I have wanted to pray many times while on the side of town where the mosque was, and it was locked.

Assalamu alaikum,

An excellent post, brother Ahmad.  This is such a huge problem.  We do need to discuss solutions and not just re-hash the problems.  If all Muslim men and all Muslim women lived Islam in the way Allah intended, there would not be problems such as these.  But, we are humans, and Allah created humans weak.  So, what to do?

Men and women must learn to respect each other and cherish one another as unique individuals.  It has to become alright to have differing points of view or different solutions to problems without being "cut off" from the community or gossiped about or made to feel bad.  We need to learn the art of compromise.  We need to learn to really listen.

Men need to be better at reminding one another about following Islam correctly.  It is not alright to ignore the fact that the imam is drinking alcohol.  It is not alright to ignore the fact that a brother beats his wife.  It is not alright to laugh or join in when brothers are saying things that diminish women.

Women need to be better at helping each other to follow Islam correctly.  It is not alright to let the community treat you badly when you point out something that needs correcting.  It is not alright to do nothing about the fact that a sister you know is abused.  It is not alright to laugh or join in when sisters are saying things that diminish men.

We need to learn to stand up for what is right - regardless of the consequences.  We need to learn to stand up for each other in selfless and helpful ways.  We need to remember that as long as another Muslim is abused, or hungry, or homeless, or in need of help in any way - it is our failure.

Brother Ahmad, I do hope that your post starts a long line of posts with good, viable solutions to discuss.  We all certainly need to quite griping and in-fighting and learn to stand together to help the ummah.

May Allah guide us all to the straight path.

Peace, ummziba.