How can I live with someone who hates my

salam

wow this is a lot for anyone to handle...may Allah give u the strength and courage to deal with this situation...it sounds like ur husband has issues and in no way are they ur problem really. i know islam teaches us to be patient and make duaa and salah but the fact that he is a concious adult means he should step in and take responsibility for his own actions instead of blaming u for his issues...he needs therapy more  than anything. as for u both, its really unhealthy to be in this situation for all of u--especially the kids. i guess make duaa, pray istikhara. and see what happens next. but it wouldn't hurt for u to take a break and maybe separate for a while....maybe if he sees what he's missing than he may learn to appreciate u more. may Allah be with u, i sincerely wish u the best and will keep u in my duaa.

asslam o alaikum
I wrote my problem sometime ago and you wrote that there are similarities between your and my situation.I dont know about all the other similarities but the similarity in our upbringing is really clear to me.You dont want to make God angry by being a bad wife and mother and keep on thinking with this point of view.No matter how hard you try and how much you work hard for problems to solve you keep on thinking that God will be angry with you and maybe if you try more then God will be happy with you and in the end everything will turn out to be fine due to your patience.God has given some rules and regulations he cannot come down and tell what one should do in each and every situation.What if you husband does get a job and he then behaves far worse than now?What guarantee do you have that he will be a perfect husband after getting a stable job?
   Secondly the problem which you are facing that you thought your country was an islamic country and people were nice and islamic.I too feel exactly the same.I think that i too have been naiv about the situation of my country.But it too is a fact that good people are still there.If i have a large family where everyone follows the rules given by islam and all males take care of their wives and noone drinks etc then there are people who are nice as well.In my large family no marriage is within the family so there are other people as well who are normal and are unlike the people shown in dramas of pakistan nowadays.I seriously dont know what is wrong with pakistani media they try to copy totally indian dramas and this is really effecting the culture of pakistan as well.
Again my belief is that there are people who are educated and follow religion try their best to be nice human beings,appreaciate all good values.You will find many such people if you try to make alot of friends and your confidence will increase.

Maryah wrote: Asalaamu alaikum: Sister Almost: If you are in the US, and he threatens you, you may need secular intervention. Face it, he is not living according to Islamic code. Some times you have to put aside your feelings of "love" for someone and take actions to protect your children. They to are exposed to the abuse. Go to the Imam ast your mosque, better, find the leader of the women's group and ask her for the information and let them know what is going on. In the United States he has no right to verbally abuse you or threaten your personal security or that of your children. That is considered domestic violence.  I believe that is the same case in Canada as well as many European countries. But I would only do this if he gets worse or you cannot settle this Islamically. Here is a page of links from our Sister's page from our masjid: http://www.ictucson.com/sis-domestic-violence.html May Allah (swt) watch over you and may you have the strength to be steadfast in your deen. Wasalaam

You are absolutely right, I - we need some intervention. We had been at this point before, and he had talked to the local Imam (that was 1800 miles and 2 years ago) and that was the first time I felt that something is moving in him - and he relapses. Me, I had talked to the Imams wife several times, and did and did not feel supported. She was very compassionate, but after talking to her husband about me, she just encouraged me to be patient, as my husband was going through a rough spot (being unemployed - once again, and just having lost his father), and giving me an example of somebody after which I ended up feeling that husbands DO have the right to forbid their wifes from having contact even with their own family. And this latter aspect of the conversation I had with her left me a little disillusioned and hopeless.

I got the phone number of a Mosque though where the Imam even has designated consultation times, problem being it is kind of far. There is a local mosque, but where we live it is so small, everybody knows everybody, and even if I go and talk to somebody, my husband is back to thinking that everything is MY problem, that actually I am the problem, I am the cause for his still pending work permit, for him not being a millionaire and property holder yet etcetcetc.

I have been his scapegoat for everything ever since we married, and it is so scary for myself sometimes to realize how much I have changed, and how much I let him emotionally abuse me. And sometimes I believe him when he says that I am crazy and imagining things, for he is the only social contact I have (even though I work and talk to a lot of people during the day, but that is on a professional level, totally different). And he SAYS that it is ok for me to have female friends, but when I actually talk to someone, he acts very jealous, when I ask him for the phone number of somebody I have been wanting to talk to he gets mad and starts thinking Allah-knows-what and suspicious and why-do-you-want-to-talk-to-her-now-all-of-a-sudden and didn't give me the message that she had called for two months. He blames ME for being unsocial, and I haven't seen/met a soul on a private basis for 6 months, when it is HIM that I have to drag and pursuade to go somewhere when somebody does have the mercy to invite us (because he is so ashamed of his unemployment. but that is an excuse, even when he was working he wasn't eager to have a common social life. He preferred to have his bachelor friends, go out with them in the evening while I stayed at home, and me not even knowing their names!)

And yes, I am in the US and totally aware of the domestic violence issue, but I have been acting out physically more than he ever has (throwing stuff, hitting him, yelling) so I am scared that HE would be in the favored position if I ever went this way. And I am ashamed of myself, and don't want to yell etc, and yet he is so manipulative, he manages to tease me for so long that I lose it again, And he does it in a calm manner, so I am the one who ends up looking crazy when I react to what he has said. And because of this, it is even more difficult for me to get help. Of course there are always two sides of a story. While domestic violence is now well recognized, I feel like emotional abuse is still in the wake, and though I definitely feel and AM emotionally abused, I am scared to be told that I am imagining things only, or that I HAVE to endure it as a good islamic wife.

It is so scary to see what the notions of my home-country are... I wish I hadn't been so naive about my homecountry being islamic before I got married. Yes, they call themselves Muslims, but there are so many thoughts and perceptions deep deep inside our culture, that are worse than any religion you can think of and have absolutely nothing to do with Islam, and in fact are haraam or discouraged in Islam. I.e. all the in-law problems - so many of them self-created. Islam is so beautiful, so straight-forward, so easy and so tolerant, but this is not describing the Indo-Pak culture and "interpretation" of Islam I was almost crying when I saw that TV-soap the other day, where that girl was raped by the village-bosses'son, got pregnant, and the so called Imams verdict when they tried to settle this was that she alone was at fault and had to be stoned to death. I couldn't see the end of it, so I don't know what actually happened. But just the thought of it, and I am sure this is portraying real life as it is still happening in many so-calles islamic countries in the name of Islam.

Well, for myself the bottom line is that ... I'll go find that number and try to find a time to call him,  and please please could everybody pray for my husband to get his st...d workpermit and then a job, for I am hoping that things will improve once he starts working.

Even though I totally do not excuse his way of thinking and behavior with being unemployed. I believe that this is a test for him too, and what's the merit in being nice only when you are happy, isn't it so much more worth controlling your anger and your frustration and try to be nice anyway? There are always reasons to be angry, but never one to let anger get hold of you (and this I am telling myself too, I have to learn to just ignore some of his remarks, but I am so into the women's rights in Islam thing that he keeps upsetting me... Ok so I have to set the example first and remain calm NO MATTER WHAT he says (would really appreciate some practical advise on how to do that, I can't be the only one whose parents and self's character and upbringing and motives get constantly attacked (according to my husband, we are all planning to harm him and take the children away from him)

Sorry for rambling, thank you for listening and may Allah bless you all for helping me

Sadija wrote: Ya Allah !!! You know what sis?  Allah loves you so much.  He only let people suffer whom he loves so that people beg him!!! Allah makes people rich and wealthy so that they can forget Him and enjoy their life. You are not alone.

Sister, I DID beg Allah to test me - that was about over 20 years ago, I prayed from the bottom of my heart that I would be steadfast enough and blessed enough to be tested and challenged in my life. So always be careful what you wish for.... (just kidding with this one. But I did want to be challenged, so here I am....

Thank you again sister, knowing that I am not alone and other sisters reading my posts means a lot to me, even though I do not wish for even an enemy to suffer.

May Allah bless you