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PLEASE HELP!! |
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J.R. 
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Joined: 25 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 87 |
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 Topic: PLEASE HELP!!Posted: 20 July 2005 at 4:03pm |
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Sisters and brothers,
I can NOT believe this is happeing to me!! I got married over a month ago and plan to move and join my husband next month. He told me before we got married he was "seeing" someone for three years before we met. I told him it's not my place to judge and that the past is past, especially since I didn't know him them. Well he calls me today on the phone and tells me he has something to tell me. He said he in fact had a sexual relationship with this non-Muslim woman whom he never married and they broek up RIGHT before he and I met. To make the long story short he confessed he STILL talks to her on the phone and in fact talked to her just last night but that they're just "friends" but I asked him if he told her he's married and he said no. He ended up confessing to me that she came back into his town just this past Monday and they met, hung out, went otu to eat together, and that they hugged for a bit and HELD HANDS!!!!!! THIS IS MY HUSBAND!! WE WERE MARRIED IN FRONT OF WITNESSES IN HIS MOSQUE THERE!!! I am all alone!! My family totally cut ties with me due to my hijab and now this!!!! He feels so bad and wanted to come out and be honest with me but says he still loves me. I was willing to overlook his fornication since it occured before we met and no one is perfect BUT WHAT ABOUT THESE PHONE CALLS AND HIM HOLDING ANOTHER WOMAN'S HAND...A WOMAN HE HAD A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH!!!!! WHAT DO I DO??? J.R. |
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ummziba
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Female Joined: 16 March 2005 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 1158 |
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Posted: 20 July 2005 at 4:22pm |
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Assalamu alaikum Sister J.R. Ya Allah! Sister I feel so bad for you! You are surely being tried. I don't know what advice to give to you but I want you to know that I will pray for you. Try to keep in mind that the life of this world is a prison for the believers. You are certainly backed into a corner. Is there anyone who can help you? Someone at your masjid? Perhaps you need to sit down and have a real long, sincere and firm talk with your husband. Try to determine his plans. Perhaps you should be firm in letting him know that this behavior of his is not acceptable at all. Go over with him what kind of behavior is expected from a Muslim husband.. I don't know...I just feel so bad for you. Try to be firm. Try hard to stay steady in your faith. Your world probably seems to be caving in on you right now - remember: "So, Verily, with every difficulty there is relief: 94:5, Verily, with every difficulty there is relief." 94:6 Peace, ummziba. |
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words...they break my soul ~
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Nausheen
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Female Joined: 10 January 2001 Status: Offline Points: 4251 |
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Posted: 20 July 2005 at 8:21pm |
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Auzubillahi minash shaitan ir rajeem, Bismillah ir rahman ir rahim, Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullah Dear sister J.R. , It would really be very hurtful for you to endure such circumstances. may allah give you patience and courage, insha allah, ameen. When two non-mehram from opposite gender are alone, it is said that the third between them is shaitan. He wispers to them ideas which are unlawful - this is what happend to your husband, because he continues to talk to this woman, and then had met her. It is likely that when you join him and the two of you start a life together, the influence of this other woman fades out. On the contrary it is also possible that it always remains there. All will depend on the type of relationship the two of you share. We dont know what future holds for us, but given the present situation, you should give your marriage a try, - give your husband a chance to become a good husband. He wants to be honest with you, which is a good start. You can incourage him to be islamic, practicing muslim. The presence and influence of deen in a household brings all the barakah and rahmah insha allah. May allah guide you both, and deliver you to marital bliss insha allah, ameen. Maa salaama, Nausheen |
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<font color=purple>Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.[/COLOR] |
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J.R.
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Joined: 25 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 87 |
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Posted: 20 July 2005 at 9:35pm |
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Wassalam, The betrayal I feel is cutting me like a knife. Note: Detailed content of unislamic acts should not be posted on this forum. Thank you. Nausheen Edited by Nausheen |
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J.R.
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Joined: 25 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 87 |
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Posted: 20 July 2005 at 9:39pm |
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Also....
I asked him to give me her phone number since he refuses to end their "friendship" even though I demanded it, saying that I have every right to demand that being his wife and considering what he did with her. I don't blame her, she doesn't know he's married to me. Well he won't give me her number upon me asking for it for over two hours on the phone. J.R. |
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Khadija1021
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Joined: 30 June 2005 Status: Offline Points: 530 |
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Posted: 20 July 2005 at 11:14pm |
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Assalamu Alaikum Sister J.R., I am literally sitting her in tears over what you have told us. I, some day, want to have a pious Muslim husband and stories like yours make me very frightened of that prospect. I cannot give you any advice regarding whether you should stay with him or leave him before you get even more hurt; however, I would suggest that you consider one thing. Please think really hard before deciding to bring a child into this marriage. If at some point you decide to leave, it will be far easier to start over without the ties to him having a child would entail. And please, do not have the misconception that having a child with him will make him become a pious man. Nothing external, even a child, can make someone pious. That is a condition of the heart and a relationship that only Allah can make happen. I will surely keep you in my prayers J.R. Inshallah you will make the right decision. If you have an Imam in your community, I strongly suggest that you seek his advice if things do not get better for you soon. Jazak Allah PAZ, Khadija |
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Say: 'My prayer and my rites, my living and my dying, are for Allah alone, the Lord of all the worlds. (Qur'an, 6:162)
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Angel
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Joined: 03 July 2001 Status: Offline Points: 6641 |
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Posted: 21 July 2005 at 5:40am |
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Just because you are the wife, your husband does not have to hand over the number or end the friendship whether you ask politely or demand it. Your husband can have any friends he chooses, like you can have any friends you chose. We all need friends from both sides. I can see why he probably won't give you the number, I know women they say more than 'I'm married' to the other woman, they can't leave it at that and then walk away. Not that I'm saying this is you, I don't know you. And why is it important for you to have this girls phone number? If what I'm hearing from you is truth, then your husband is being truthful and honest and not betraying you. He chose you to marry didn't he ? {I mean no offence here} I know you believe this being muslim that when a man and woman are alone in a room there's a third, shatan but honestly and truthful it is not true, I myself have been alone with men and married men alone in a room and nothing happen, no sexual contact/lust, no petting, no kissing. So what islam says here is not truth, for me anyway, from experience. So if you honestly believe your husband is being honest in what he is telling, (forgetting about his past) then he has not betrayed you. Holding eaching other or touching hair/skin is not betraying nor his he lying. And if he is not telling the whole truth, then he still hasn't lied. Edited by Angel |
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 ~ Our feet are earthbound, but our hearts and our minds have wings ~
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ummziba
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Female Joined: 16 March 2005 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 1158 |
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Posted: 21 July 2005 at 5:54am |
Good grief Angel! Even for a non-Muslim, this would be just plain wrong when the man is MARRIED! Married men of any faith should not be touching other women. Telling J.R. that Islam is wrong about this is neither helpful nor even wise. You (and every one else) are entitled to your opinions, but it is not wise to counsel someone to reject the teachings of their faith just because you don't personally find a particular teaching true for yourself. I know you are trying to be helpful (as you often are), and I don't mean to be disrepectful to you in any way, I just think it plain wrong to counsel someone to disregard their basic beliefs. And Allah knows best. Peace, ummziba. |
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words...they break my soul ~
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J.R. wrote: