MARRIAGE

We both have discussed everything in detail about our future and we match perfectly in every way.We both want family we both give importance to family and not money.Both are used to hard work.Whatever we discuss we come to the conclusion that we will work out perfectly in every way.He is like me somewhat religious as well.We are v direct in our approaches and that is what we liked in each other as well.We never played games with each other and said directly what we wanted in relationship and when.As a result we had literally discussed everything thre is to discuss in the first 1 week.At the same time we both talk extremely fast.So maybe that is too a fact.Now after that we both were v secure and felt v safe and happy that Allah has atlast made us both happy.We dont believe in dating etc so we told our parents after talking on telephone and meeting in their presence two times that we were satisfied.He discussed in detail with his family before finalizing and i discussed with my family in detail before finalizing and everyone agreed that we suit each other.So everyone is finally happy.

Now i have literally read everything there is on low self esteem and on how a relationship works and how to get close emotionally to a person but i dont know what to do here.Now the fact that his sms and tlf continue due to fear results in that we start getting bored of each other and then want somewhat space from each other.At times then he himself or i dont contact each other for 2 days or so and then again it results in the same problem that it increases his isecurities and he starts to doubt 3 things.
1) himself
2)me and my attachment
3)the overall relationship progress
    At the same time i would like to mention is that his ekswife told him clearly that she did not like him due to his looks and due to the fact that he is not enough romantic.And that was the reason for their divorce.(though he is quite handsome)
    I at times feel that im getting tense without any reason maybe with time everything will be fine as he will trust me more.
   At the same time i would say that he is a v sensible person who is v good with his economy,has a close relationship with his mother and 3 brothers.Extremely helping when it comes to home and his close family.He is a player on national level and coach as well and that is his passion and as far as i know has not even a single bad habit or flaw which i can pinpoint.He is in the management of a mosque as a new mosque is being build in his area.

Hi Saima100,

Well, it's a long story, really, and at the same time beautiful and sad.

First of all, I will tell you that I met my own father in your description of your future husband. He is very romantic, while my mother is not, and sometimes I saw my father sad after buying her flowers, jewels or this kind of things without any answer but "why? OK, thanks, but we have not money for that!!!".

My father too had a very difficult life, because his parents got 12 children, and when he was born they sent him to another village with my granfather brothers, so my father didn't have too much contact with his family. Actually, during his whole life, everytime someone from his family is coming to him, it's just to ask for something... but see, I never heard anything bad from him about his family, only good words. And I am sure I will never hear.

Is it bad? Well, I don't think so. I am sure that inside him, he knows the real situation, but at the same time... what can he do? It's his family!! So he will always be there for them, because the blood relation is something we cannot change. I hope you can understand what I mean with my father's story. He is really happy, and his happiness started the day of his marriage with my mother.

About your boyfriend... well, I would ask you to imagine you were in his situation: the closest person to you is cheating you, and you forget all that pain to give her a second chance... and she leaves... Well, it sounds too hard, really. I am sorry for him. And you said he is a very sensitive person, so... imagine. You have to understand him (something I know you are trying to do).

My suggestion? Well, as your relation is based on the commitment, the truth, and the confidence in each other, you have to show him that he is the only one, and you are not his exw, but his future. Show him that you will be there forever for him, you will be the mother of his children, and you will think only about him even in dreams. Show him that this world is just him.

How to do? Well, send him short message with not much words, before he sends anything. Call him to have short conversations, telling him that you were wanting just to hear him, to know how he was and to say "good nights". Just give him small signs to make him understand that your relation has nothing to do with his old relation, and that it works.

You have to help him a lot here, Saima, because he is a little destroyed inside (I know how he feels perfectly, really).

Try this first, and try to do it in nice way. You need to make him realize that you really want to be with him as his wife, and that you have no doubt. Show him how much important he is, and how much you need him.

Maybe, he feels that you are too much independent for him, and he is afraid from that feeling (even if at first, he was happy with that point). You have to show him that you need him too, and you need him to be there always as someone to trust, not like someone afraid.

Good luck, Saima. I hope you can solve this small trouble and make a happy family for the rest of your life.

All the best,
Patricia

Salaams Saima,