MARRIAGE

It is me again.Finally i found atleast 3 people who agree to me that this can be a problem.One of them is my brother who himself has had this problem.He says that mostly extremely nice people have this problem of pleasing other to some extent but he is on the extreme.My brother himself has read a number of books on this topic and he gave me a book to read which i have read.
   The problem with such people is that they find it impossible to be honest and show their true feeling out of the fear of rejection.And as a result either they get acquantances with people who are extremely users or people reject them.This sort of a person is addicted to care giving as that is the only thing which he thinks can give him respect in his own anothers eyes.Such people fall into different addictions and generally have more than one addiction.All the signs and symptoms of such a person are of an addict.Such a person never gives any real care or emotion to another person out of the fear of rejection but pleases and pleases and tries to get all the feelings from the other person.Person living with suc h a person feels he/she is getting nothing and is only and only giving and feels used.Though as this caregiving addict is a pleaser there is nothing to complain about either.Such a persons feelings go with feelings of others.As their self worth is exactly what others feel at that v moment.(he himself has told me this that his feelings go with others feelings).In a way it is a selfish relationship where the person who is a people pleaser keeps on getting true emotions from others in return of his manipulation.As his motive behind manipulation is good and as he himself does not know what he is doing.Noone is able to complain around him as he never gives a reason.And as this caregiving addicts self worth is extremely low no care or love can find his emptiness.It is like trying to fill a glass with no bottom.And such people were described as impossible to be emotionally intimate with others.The only thing that gives somewhat relief to both in such a relationship is some physical distance.(exactly like his ex used to do she went on vacations alone with others).More this person lives close to another person more unbearable it is for both.And this person himself as well is in extreme pain all the time and inflicts equal pain to the person involved.
   Such an insecure person is a person who has at a younger age not been able to trust one of the close people to him.(in his case his father)More such people have suppressed their true feelings in problems more this sort of personality they developed.More they have taken care of others around them and tried to make them happy in some way more severe problems arise later on.
   All this i felt even before i read this book but now atleast i know that im not crazy.
   Though now the practical situation is that wedding dresses are ready.Week of marriage is already decided.And everyone who knows that im getting married and it is going to be a matter of great courage to go from him as it is going to give me a v bad repute.As im already divorced.Anyway im going to talk to him about this and have gotton an appointment at a psychologist to understand if this is totally curable or not.And will see what i can do.The only problem is that how do i relax myself.
   This is actually the biggest shock of my life as all my life i have believed that only if i find a nice person all will be well.May Allah help me.

Any suggestions or comments?

Salams Sister
In your words you said 'In a way it is a selfish relationship where the person who is a people pleaser keeps on getting true emotions from others in return of his manipulation.As his motive behind manipulation is good and as he himself does not know what he is doing.Noone is able to complain around him as he never gives a reason.And as this caregiving addicts self worth is extremely low no care or love can find his emptiness.It is like trying to fill a glass with no bottom.And such people were described as impossible to be emotionally intimate with others.The only thing that gives somewhat relief to both in such a relationship is some physical distance.(exactly like his ex used to do she went on vacations alone with others).More this person lives close to another person more unbearable it is for both.And this person himself as well is in extreme pain all the time and inflicts equal pain to the person involved.
   Such an insecure person is a person who has at a younger age not been able to trust one of the close people to him.(in his case his father)More such people have suppressed their true feelings in problems more this sort of personality they developed.More they have taken care of others around them and tried to make them happy in some way more severe problems arise later on. '

Sister, look at this link. Perhaps it will help you. As you already have read some books you might be able to relate to this. In no way am I trying to suggest anything here, but as Pati suggested, I really think you should investigate this further to ease your mind or help you make a decision.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/personality-disorders/DS00562

You can also look into a problem called anti-social personality disorder. This can start at an early age. But do some research as it might help.

Also re-read my earlier posts. Perhaps they make more sense now?

Dear Saima,

Please, don't blame yourself now, you have to be strong and to go ahead with your life.

I know that this situation is not usual in Muslim culture, but it's not the first time I heard something similar in Spain, or opposite, women who are lesbian and get married just to hide it.

It's just another danger in the current life while finding someone to share your life.

But, dear, you have to be happy and give thanks to God / Allah, because He sent you a sign before it was too late, He gave you the chance to take a decision with knowledge, and you already took it (I think). So please, in such a way, you have to be grateful and happy because first of all, you met someone who helped you to know more things about yourself, and secondly, he was not bad person, just having a problem, and maybe you can go on with the contact and you can help him in the future, because it's obvious that in the moment you'll tell him that you are not going to marry him, it will be a problem for him so... you will have to be there.

But after all, I feel that you will re-start your life soon.

If you want my suggestion for the next time, let the man talk first without interrupting and make your idea. There are lot of men divorced after the 30s, and it sounds so strange... I would be careful, but don't have any doubt that Allah will send you a friend, a husband, a father and a life partner sooner or later, just wait for the right one

All the best
Patricia