Looking for help!

Ok i will start by saying, this has took me along time to find somewhere were i feel i can ask for help! I feel deeply embarrassed and highly ashamed of what i am about to write.
So here goes...........

I first was interested in Islam when i was about 16/17 years old due to being in a relationship with a Muslim guy. Even though we broke up i still dressed modestly. Fast forward a few years. Ok so in 2006 i had alot of ups and downs in my life, i have struggled with mental health (bi-polar).. and a friend i had said he could make me Muslim so i agreed, he told me to say a sentence and then i would be Muslim. after this i rapidly changed i changed my name legally i completely covered up including niqab (All within a week)... By now i had no-one, my family disowned me and i had no friends at all. i was to scared to go to mosque alone. So i found a husband via single Muslims site. i didn't meet him but his sister in law. We was married within a week. i feel i just wanted help. it didn't last as i was still un medicated for my bipolar and unfortunately we divorced. after that i went back to my English ways as i felt it was all to much. OK so it has been around 5 years now i am stable with my bipolar and i keep having this yearning like something is calling me, everyday now i find myself studying more and more about Islam (properly this time) I truly feel that, that's who i am. The more i study i feel like when my friend told me to say the sentence it wasn't right. I want to go into this properly with full knowledge and be able to take my Shahada in a Masjid. I feel so disrespectful of how i have live my life. But no matter what i do i need to come home to Allah swt. I know this time id like to do it right by moving to a Muslim community so i have the support so i never let evil pull me away again. (When i tried to become Muslim previously i had very little knowledge)....

Please can anyone help.. Can i pay for my sins or will i never be accepted again?

Thank you for taking time to read this, And i appreciate and help or advice you can give.

W'Salaam
Annie

Asalaamu Alaykum

Abu Loren wrote: I am saying this as you are a white English person and the masjids are frequented by mainly non Muslim folks.

Abu Loren perhaps you have misstated the above?

Edited by abuayisha - 09 April 2014 at 7:10am

Annie86 wrote: Ok i will start by saying, this has took me along time to find somewhere were i feel i can ask for help! I feel deeply embarrassed and highly ashamed of what i am about to write. So here goes........... I first was interested in Islam when i was about 16/17 years old due to being in a relationship with a Muslim guy. Even though we broke up i still dressed modestly. Fast forward a few years. Ok so in 2006 i had alot of ups and downs in my life, i have struggled with mental health (bi-polar).. and a friend i had said he could make me Muslim so i agreed, he told me to say a sentence and then i would be Muslim. after this i rapidly changed i changed my name legally i completely covered up including niqab (All within a week)... By now i had no-one, my family disowned me and i had no friends at all. i was to scared to go to mosque alone. So i found a husband via single Muslims site. i didn't meet him but his sister in law. We was married within a week. i feel i just wanted help. it didn't last as i was still un medicated for my bipolar and unfortunately we divorced. after that i went back to my English ways as i felt it was all to much. OK so it has been around 5 years now i am stable with my bipolar and i keep having this yearning like something is calling me, everyday now i find myself studying more and more about Islam (properly this time) I truly feel that, that's who i am. The more i study i feel like when my friend told me to say the sentence it wasn't right. I want to go into this properly with full knowledge and be able to take my Shahada in a Masjid. I feel so disrespectful of how i have live my life. But no matter what i do i need to come home to Allah swt. I know this time id like to do it right by moving to a Muslim community so i have the support so i never let evil pull me away again. (When i tried to become Muslim previously i had very little knowledge).... Please can anyone help.. Can i pay for my sins or will i never be accepted again? Thank you for taking time to read this, And i appreciate and help or advice you can give. W'Salaam Annie

As-salaam alaikum.  You should not be worried about not being accepted by Allah (swt).  As long as you are sincere, Allah will never turn you away.

The Quran states:

"Say: "O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah: for Allah forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. "Turn ye to our Lord (in repentance) and bow to His (Will), before the Penalty comes on you: after that ye shall not be helped." (Surah Az-Zumar, 39:53-54)