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Marriage Trouble!!! |
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raiya16 
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Joined: 06 October 2008 Status: Offline Points: 14 |
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 Topic: Marriage Trouble!!!Posted: 07 October 2008 at 12:47am |
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Assalamu Alaikum Sisters,
I am in desperate need of some sort of help or guidance before i go completely insane....
I have been married almost 2years and have a baby girl aged 4months... my husband and i are having so many problems... i do not know what is wrong with him.. he can be normal one day then just totally flip the next...sometimes i fear he may have a jin in him the things he says and does...
He used to be so nice now i do not know what happened to him... he is always so nasty to me, and is always bringing me down in front of people, especially his mum. She interferes so much in our life and she is one of the reasons for our probs...
We live on our own in a different town... but his mum puts things in his head... she is always saying stuff about me to him, and obviously he comes and shouts at me... i do not know why...
Another thing is that he always accuses me of having affairs etc... i have never and will never ever be unfaithful to my husband but he does this... sometimes i think he is using that as an excuse to shout and swear at me...
He has no respect for anything i say, and if i try to tell him how i feel he gets angry and says he will divorce me and take my child so far from me i will never see her... how can he say things like that which are so hurtful? He also says he should have rather married his ex girlfriend (she is not muslim)... why is he so nasty? He never listens to me at all... i work over 8hours a day and help with bills etc but he takes control of my bank cards and money... and he never gives me any money, he will give me the exact amount for my train ticket... i never buy anything but he can spend money as he pleases...
He gambles our money in the casino, and sometimes loses so much, he also drinks alcohol... i have never judged him for these things but he is so bad to me. And his parents have no idea of his bad habits but i have never said anything. My parents live in South Africa and he does not let me keep in contact with them..he says he does not want my baby to ever see them, he will not let me travel there... how can he be so mean?
He does not let me see my family here in the uk, i feel like i am in prison... he will not even put money in my phone, so if there is ever an emergency i cannot even call or text anyone... the worst thing is that he beats me up so badly and calls me such bad names...
After i had the baby he treated me so badly... i suffer till now from back problems because i could not take care of myself after the birth... i had to clean the house like a maid and i hardly got any sleep. He and his mum used to make me clean when the baby was sleeping so i did not ever rest.
I am so depressed and i do not know what to do... Please sisters give me some guidance, i am so unhappy...
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ak_m_f
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Joined: 15 October 2005 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 3272 |
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Posted: 07 October 2008 at 7:48pm |
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sister,
you should have never married a guy who was previously involved in relationship with another girl, drinks & gambles. |
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raiya16
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Posted: 08 October 2008 at 12:55am |
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I did not know all of this until after we were married...
About the girlfriend... i know most men have lots of girlfriends before marriage so that does not really bother me. What bothers me is the way he treats me. And i do not know what to do.
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Hayfa
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Female Joined: 07 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 2368 |
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Posted: 08 October 2008 at 3:52am |
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Asalam Alaikum,
am sorry to hear you are in such troubles. Everything about this man's behavior is quite unislaimic...what can one say except you really should consider leaving. You really should. Get help from anyone.. so you can leave. He is a batterer and abuser.
Men like this will try and isolate you as he has done. This is a sure sign of an abuser. ANd if you cannot think of yourself, think of your daughter. What is she going to grow up seeing?
Where did you find this guy? Did your parents find him for you? He really is the classic type of abuser guy.
You are a human being and deserve better treatment. And this has to start from YOU. You should not accept this behavior. It is unislamic. You are a person, with rigts and feelings. It IS hard. Hard to change.
He also sounds like a 'mama's boy" whose mother never taught him true responsibiity, never taught him consequences and maturity. Sometimes it manifests itself it terrible ways.
Did your MIL approve of his marriage to you? Really approve?
You have to get help. If you go to work, I am sur someone will help and let you call your family. Sometimes the hardest thing IS to ask for help. People are good. Tons of people have phones I am sure they will let you borrow it.
You need to take care of yourself and your daughter.
My Duas are with you.
Hayfa
Edited by Hayfa - 08 October 2008 at 3:54am |
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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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raiya16
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Joined: 06 October 2008 Status: Offline Points: 14 |
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Posted: 08 October 2008 at 4:53am |
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If I try and leave he has threatened to take my daughter away from me... that is the only reason I am still with him... he always says he will make sure I never see her again.
My parents were ok with the marriage because they obviously had no idea the monster he is, neither did I actually.
His mum actually confronted me with the proposal... now she has changed as well. Yes he is mama's boy....
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Chrysalis
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Joined: 25 November 2007 Status: Offline Points: 2033 |
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Posted: 08 October 2008 at 9:38am |
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Though I try not to tell ppl to quit thier marriages . . .
This one is a no-brainer. Sister, dump him.
I dont think you can 'help him' or 'repair him' . . . no need to waste your time. This kind of behaviour is usually deep rooted, and such habits are hard to kick. If he just had one or two bad things about him, one could have managed. . . but I dont see anything good about him.
Remember sis, no husband is better than a bad husband. Insha'allah Allah will do better for you. It will be extremely tough, if not impossible to continue living with a man who threatens to take away your infant daughter, who is dependent on you, who drinks and gambles and has a short temper - not to mention an inferiority complex that causes him to fly into jealous rages. . . You dont know if he could stoop to beating you, or harming you . . .
Please take care of yourself and your daughter, and consider both your lies and happiness, and make an appropriate decision. To hell with customs and norms and society, and what-ppl-will-say.
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"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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raiya16
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Joined: 06 October 2008 Status: Offline Points: 14 |
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Posted: 09 October 2008 at 1:49am |
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Sisters thank u all for your advice...
I wish i could leave him, the thought has crossed my mind...
But i have nowhere to go, and what about my baby? Hewill make sure i never see her, i know that... i have nowhere to run to, and no money either becuase he keeps all my bank stuff, and my passport as well...
And i am a foreigner in th uk, my visa expires in feb next year... so what do i do...
I know his habits are terrible and will never change... i pray everyday that Allah gives me strength, and patience... i am not worried about myself but only my baby, she is so innocent...
His parents are also a big factor in our problems, they interfere too much, especially his mother... and she is supposed to be a good muslim, she is a 5time namaaz prayer, she fasts and everything, and yet she is such a nasty person...
I have never hated anyone in my life and now i am beginning to... i do not understand how people can be so horrible... what is the world coming to?
Please sisters make dua for me and my bay that all will be okay...
I would like a married man to read my topic and also give his views on it... i have tried my best to be a good wife and get kicked in the teeth for it...what makes a man behave in this way, please help me to understand.... Edited by raiya16 - 09 October 2008 at 1:50am |
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shawaya
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Joined: 09 October 2008 Location: United Kingdom Status: Offline Points: 13 |
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Posted: 09 October 2008 at 9:05am |
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Sister I am sorry you are going thru this, mariages is hard as it is and you have a child with him, if a husband is unhappy b4 kids ofr some reason, when they see their own blood they tend to change sometimes, but it looks like that wouldn't even make him happy. he should thank god that god gave children and that this mariage was blessed with kids. but he is not. you are not alone now, if you toke his abuse b4 your child, you have someone with you now. you deserve better. you baby deserv better. i have a friend that went thu the same thing. she went to a shelter with her baby and got herself together. then after 4yrs she decided to help him get help and toke him back.
think about your baby and yourself for now. may god help you.
Call the cops on him. atleast once, so he will learn his lesson Edited by shawaya - 09 October 2008 at 9:07am |
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