Disobedience

Assalamu Aleikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu, i would like some advise about how to deal with a child (he is 9 years old) adopted after he spent a year in a home care, after he was slapped because he was doing reprehensible things. Now (after three years) the kid disobeys to everything we say, also to the islamic teachings; he steals other classmates and other in the school, but we did not say anything to the teachers; he annoys family members and the neighbours, breaking things, telling lies and making fun of them. He knows that we cannot punish him and he does what he wants. Every time he shows he is not ashamed, we tried to teach him taqwa and what's wrong and right but he does not listen to anything. The worst thing is he shows to other people he's the victim and that he didn't anything wrong. When we talk about Islam he does not care. Astaghfirullah. We know he needs help. Some say to leave him doing what he wants, but in Islam we must show that his behaviour is not correct (but he does not listen). Other say to bring him to the home care, but there aren't muslims. Which are the best things to do and the Best Duas? Thank you


Edited by BrightLight - 27 October 2016 at 12:41am

Salaams, and welcome. You can't punish him using corporal means, however certainly you can discipline him through other means such as loss of privileges. Also feel free to shower him with praise when he does act appropriately and reward him generously. The web has many parenting sites for example: (discipline without disrespecting).

http://grandmajeddah.blogspot.com/

Allah help you; there is a fundamental difference between punishment and discipline. Punishment is often when the parent or guardian is angry and seek to hurt the child as a result. Whereas discipline seeks to teach appropriate behavior. Given what this child must have gone through early on it is little wonder that he is angry. I suggest you do your best to educate yourself on how to effectively deal with him without allowing yourselves to descend into childish power struggles. Forget about punishment and concentrate your efforts on discipline and setting firm and consistent limits. And it is to Allah we give thanks and praise. Make plenty of dua!    

Edited by abuayisha - 28 October 2016 at 8:34am

Assalamu Aleikum, I'm sorry for the long posts. The situation now is worst: the child tried to escape from the bus school, he stole 120 euros and tried to go to the police, telling that all the family's members punished him by corporal means, that is not true.The child told us he has done so because he wants do be indepedent. I read a lot of articles children who were educated by corporal means trie to be punished the same way by the adopting parents, but if they are not able they try to escape or to hurt people outside the family. I also read that the social service assistant do not do anything to improve the situation but says all the family memebers must go to the psychologist, not resolving the condition for years. Now one child of the family tried also to escape not standing the situation, and the service assistant says that the child has to go to a family care to be educated, but it is not reasonable, if the adopted children is the problem and they do not want to educate him. Now many people we knew do not want to talk with us after the child stole the things. The child is not adopted but in custody, he told the first time to the assistant he wanted to live with us, but now the child says he do not want, because he has to follow rules, as not stealing others. In Islam such situation is tollerable if you take a child against his will and if he hurts others and says lies to others against the family who wanted to adopt? We also discovered he went in other families in which many problems emerged in the sons and daughters beacuse of his behaviour, but the assistant do not want to talk about this.