My husband has another wife

Martha, it's my understanding that he is either attempting to keep you away from pakistan or outright prohibiting it.  am i correct? Half of our islam is marriage...it can't be based on lies.  If it is, then it's not two lives brought together as one...it was one life and one fictitious life.  You wrote that you even think he may have just used you for citizenship.  You wrote that you don't trust him.  You wrote that he won't even be honest with you about whether you are wife 1 or 2.  If marriage is half of our Islam, then surely one based on such things isn't bringing honor to Allah.  Have you asked him about this?  I would certainly check with a scholar of Qur'an and hadith before looking seriously at divorce, but it seems that you should find a husband that fears Allah, becuase it surely doesn't seem that yours does, charming, sweet and loving as he is.  Allah is Merciful...he is always there to take care of us.  I often think an important thing to consider is this:  is your marriage discouraging you from bringing honor to Allah or is it encouraging you to bring honor to Allah?  Are you so distressed by the marriage that you are less effective in striving to please Allah in the various roles He has given you in this life, i.e., mother, employee, daughter, sister, friend, etc.?  Just because we are muslim women doesn't mean that we must stay with men that mistreat us.  Sister Martha, be honest with yourself, difficult as it is...you are being mistreated.  We are to be honored, just as we honor our husbands.  I don't accept that pious men are difficult to come by and therefore we should accept that we are more pious than they.  In fact, I think it's quite the opposite--our husbands are our leaders...we are to follow them.   And if they mistreat us and cause us emotional turmoil, then i think it is worth seriously looking into the option of finding a pious man that will be a good leader and partner.  again, as i wrote before, i don't accept that men are allowed multiple wives for selfish reasons.  it seems to me, particularly if you are wife number two, that his reason for marrying two was not to bring honor to Allah.  Honestly, it seems that he is either very selfish or weak.  he wanted what he wanted, at the expense of your well-being.  i know this hurts so much.  but you must look at this for what it is.  What would you tell me if i were you?  And if the demise of your marriage is ahead, stay on the right path and follow Allah's call always.  He is Merciful and Omnipotent.  He will take care of you.  Much love and Salam -

martha wrote: I am white British, and converted to Islam 4 years ago. I was so happy, but my life completely changed because I became a muslim. I moved away to a big city, with nothing, but gradually adapted to my new life. I found work and somewhere permanent to life. I was then 42. I met a Pakistani man who became my friend. I dreamed that I would marry him, but I didnt tell him for fear of sounding foolish. After a year we married, both legally and Islamically. I thought life was as perfect as it could be. We both worked hard. He had a large family in Pakistan that he needed to support because he was the oldest son and his father had died years before. SO I knew he had many responsabilites. Last year we both felt that it would be better for him to return to Pakistan to get his spouse visa there, as there were some difficulties getting it here. It is long and complicated. He returned to his country and was there for 6 months, returning last December. It was very difficult without him. I felt that something wasnt quite right. On his return I place the Quoran in his hand and asked him if he had another wife. He replied that he had. I was shocked but also not surprised. This year has been very hard for me. He returned to Pakistan again in May for 4 weeks. He contacted me very little. When he came back I was in a bad way. We argued, and it resulted in me asking him to leave, so I could have time to think. I never intended it to be longterm. However, we are now in October. I moved away from the city to be nearer my family. He understood my reasons, and he has visited me weekly for a few hours. We both love eachother, that has never been an issue, but I am still on my own. He has again returned to Pakistan, this time for 6 weeks. I find it very hard. He has said when he returns to England this time that he will move to be with me, and work locally. I have accepted the fact he has another wife, even tho' it is hard to share him. I have always desperately wanted to go to Pakistan with him, because I believe his family are now also mine, despite the culture difference. But I have never been to Pakistan. And this hurts me. Also I dont know if I am wife no1 or wife no 2, as he does not directly tell me the truth. My suspicions are that he was already married. Knowing which I am would not make any difference. I dont want us to be separate, I dont want a divorce, and neither does he. How can I resolve my situation? My western feeling and upbringing tell me to move forward in life without him, however my faith and love for him tells me I must not part from him. I have been married before, but this muslim husband is so special that I cant bear to think of a life without him. He has never been cruel to me, but his deceit has left me feeling hurt. Can I trust this man? Sometimes I think he has used me. But I know his conscience is pricking at him. He tells me not to worry, that he is always with me. I dont believe he is a bad man deep down, just someone who has done some bad things, that have made life complicated. Can anyone offer any suggestions please? Can I just add that I have accepted the other wife. But the problem comes more from me wanting to be accepted by his family. In Islam I am right in thinking that there is no caste system? So I find it hard to understand why I cannot be accepted in the asian culture. My husband wants to keep both lives/wives separate, but is he right to do this? I keep thinking about the Prophet Muhammed, peace be upon him, and his example to us. I dont want any problems, I jyst want us all to be friends. Is that to much to ask?

Salaamu Alaykum Dear Sister,

I think the best advice I could give you would be to establish a dialogue and hopefully friendship with Sister Hayfa if that is possible.  Don't just ask the question and then leave.  Come back here or get in touch with her.  Whatever you decide, you need to have a community's help through this.  Don't be embarrassed about whatever you decide.  It is your life, and just follow the pillars of Islaam, and that is the most important thing for you to do in the end on your journey.

Salaamu Alaykum

Salaams Martha,

I think your words are quite heartfelt. I think that many reverts face this "no-where" land.. we are really somewhere on the Moslem continuum.   And maybe as we have entered into Islam a bit later than those born into Islam, we are more prone to examine our lives. But where exactly do we "fit" in?

I too often think I don't belong anywhere. After having "visited" amazing Moslem families in Pakistan I have felt this more acutely then ever before. Even if your family accepts one becoming A Moslem, unless they also do, things are bound to change. Friendships change. People who you were close to, one often is as close to. Typically you no longer "join" in their activities.  Some people loose their families and friends all together. You know that you are "separate" from many others.

It is hard to find any type of "acceptance" or should I say "community" with born Moslems. I often think it has to do with the way we are raised, what we focus on, etc. For instance, when I was in Pakistan, I had a harder time relating to the women then the men. Having been raised in the west, I was raised to be independent, focus on education, discuss politics, travel on my own, etc. It is a different world then what most women who either live overseas or come to US experience. And they had one thing we don't typically have, very strong families and a sense of place. They have something very precious. So I never, ever have looked at my life as "better." It is all what one is used to.  

One thing I did find was that my goal had to be is take each person as an individual.  People get SO caught up in group identity, cultural identity that they view everyone through that prism. I met some really amazing women in Pakistan. Some of them are actually illiterate. And yet they showed me a lot about myself as a person from them. They were genuine, kind, funny, smart people.

I agree with that people often make Islam quite complicated.  It is our human weaknesses I believe. I think that people often cannot 'see' what is right in front of them. It is sadder if you see it in Moslems as they have it "given" to then. I think that true spiritual living appears hard to experience.  People, as you said, are caught up in this world. And often have nothing but petty things to focus on. It amazes me. There are so many greater things to worry about and people spend a lot of time putting others down or judging them.

It is good you have spoken to his family. Would any of his sisters or mom be better able to help you understand the situation? The unknown makes it far more difficult to make a decision that is right for you.  Does his other wife live with them?

I also think you need to have a heart to heart talk with your husband. Part of it is finding out what does he want? What he truly wants will give you insights into his motivations and what the future may hold for you.  I  can imagine it is quite difficult for you.. and remember, you don't have to make any major decision today. Pray and reflect.

Take care..

Hayfa

Sister Martha, here are your own words: 

"I'm not sure I am growing as a muslim when I am with my husband. He does not direct me in the right path." 

i think we all agree that a marriage with Allah at the center of it is more pleasing to Allah and to ourselves, no matter its cultural context.  I think a marriage without Allah in the center is displeasing to Allah, particularly if it is based on lies, manipulation and selfish desire, all of which are in opposition to Allah's commands.

Justification for remaining in Martha's marriage is weak...her interest in ending her marriage is quite different to wanting out because of boredom, family problems, love for another, affair, growing apart, career, etc.  Her marriage was based on deception.  Allah gave us divorce as an option, and I really can't think of a better reason for it than Martha's--a totally deceptive marriage to someone that deters her from honoring Allah, is unkind to her, doesn't fear Allah in his life, bars her from having a fulfilling relationship with her in-laws, etc. While Allah has commanded us to be firm in our patience,  He also clearly provides us with means of divorce in the Qur'an. 

I see our discussion here as twofold:

1.  whether Allah will be more pleased with Sister Martha if she uses the divorce option He gave the Islamic Ummah, to find a man that loves, fears and honors Allah, and will foster her growth in Islam, in himself and in their union

2.  our haram tendencies to allow culture, skin color and predispositions to cause pain and lack of acceptance within the Ummah (as we see in Martha's difficulties with her husband and his Pakistani family and Hayfa's expressed difficulty in experiencing acceptance with "born Muslims")

Allah judges us in light of our dedication to Him, without any heed of culture (as far as I know).  If this is how Allah limits his view of us, then who are we to view one another in any other light? 

I live in the NYC metro area and am blessed to have Sisters hailing from all over the world in my life.  Alhamdullah, we benefit from one another's different perspectives.  We must consciously limit our differences to positive usage only.  Martha, are you active in your immediate Muslim community?  Masha'allah, I found wonderful, pious, brilliant friends by simply going to masjid for Salah and through attending classes.  It seems that you may need sisters that cherish you, and desire to bring honor to Allah through your friendship.  Am I correct in identifying your need?  Of course, we all need this.

I think using cultural differences as a basis for separation of anything Allah has joined together  is wrong.  If a mature person fears Allah, then he will focus on his/her spouse's character and Islam, and demand that his family and friends do the same.  He will not succumb to their pressures that are in opposition to the criteria set forth by Allah.  A righteous family will view her as a sister of the islamic Ummah and shower her with love.  If that's not the case, then they are wrong.  Allah commands us to be content with our muslim brothers and sisters, whether in the immediate family, local community or the islamic Ummah.  Being sensitive to cultural differences is one thing; using them as a means of physical or emotional distance is another.  And I think we must be very conscious of this as muslims.  Let's always cherish our differences and use them as a means of brining more honor to Allah.

As for #1 above, Sister Martha, I am in no way a scholar, but as I see it, I think you should love yourself as Allah loves you.  He chose to guide each of us reading this post closer to Him becuase He loves us, becuase He is Merciful, and we should therefore love ourselves enough to take good care of ourselves--to chose husbands that will help us grow closer to Allah, and to rid ourselves of those who harm us.  How can a marriage built on a foundation of deceit and continuing in lies and imposed turmoil honor Allah and you, His very precious female creation? 

On a final note, I have no idea if you're praying 5x per day, but once I began doing it, my life changed completely for the better.  I recommend Istakhara for your situation, if you haven't already done it.  It took me a long while to finally be in a place where I was truly ready to pray it.  but once i did, specific direction didn't come, but a peace that guides me did. As for a community, maybe your best sister-friends will be on this board for now.  love and salaam...