|
Urgent Marriage Advice Needed |
Post Reply 
|
Page <1234 6> |
| Author | |
jacquie 
Starter 
Joined: 01 August 2008 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 18 |
 Post Options
 Thanks(0)
 Quote Reply
 Posted: 04 August 2008 at 4:53pm |
|
Salam Alykom,
This is all like one horrible nightmare. He was always so loving and attentive, the perfect Muslim husband. I would never have believed this, if I weren't living it.
He called me today, and again he says he can't come home, that he's just not able to. I asked him if he misses me and he doesn't answer, I asked again and he said yes, but that he can't come home. I asked him if is over then why hasn't he given me talaaq, he says he doesn't know.
Allah knows that I am trying so hard to be strong, but everything I look at reminds me of him, my whole life was built around our marriage, and making him happy. I can't eat, just looking at food nauseates me, if I do manage to eat, it doesn't stay with me, I've lost almost 20 lbs in less then a week.
I tried to go to a fair with my brother and our kids this afternoon and had to leave, but just watching the rides I thought I was going to pass out, and ended up leaving my daughter with him and came home.
Before I reverted to Islam, it would have been so easy for me to just buy a new outfit, fix my hair, put some makeup on and move on. Now, I am just sitting in our house, hurting, and praying for him to come home or for the hurt to go away, I wish there was a switch that would make this go away, Wa'Allahe, it is the most painful thing that has ever happened to me.
|
|
 |
|
|
abuayisha
Senior Member 
Muslim Joined: 05 October 1999 Location: Los Angeles Status: Offline Points: 5105 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 05 August 2008 at 7:05am |
|
Sister Jacquie from what I have read your husband will most likely return as he undoubtedly loves you and your daughter, but was embarrassed and angered by your behavior, which, by the way, under the circumstances, I believe you acted appropriately. Often men and women in the work place form emotional attachments with co-workers of the opposite sex and even though sexual infidelity doesn't happen, emotional infidelity does and this often strains a relationship. Use this time for reflection on the importance of your religion remembering that Allah has promised to test each of us with hardships and also about how you can keep yourself busy with personal pursuits and interests like hobbies, your daughter, etc. Are you in contact with any of this relatives who can intercede on your behalf? Let the relative know that you have a right to protection and maintenance from your husband and for him to leave you and your daughter alone at night is not Islamic. Try to keep your composure when talking to your husband - remind him that in Islam there is a process for divorce and marriage problems that must be adhered to. Leaving the home and separating himself only causes resentment and each of your hearts to grow apart. Firmly place your trust in Allah and use your intelligence to work through this crisis. I have found exercise helpful for stress. Perhaps you and your daughter can take walks. Even if it is difficult to eat - stay hydrated and eat what little you can and remember you have a daughter who needs you. Men can be so fickle and immature, therefore you may have to rise to the occasion to save him also, but you must be strong. Successful marriages need forgiveness, compromise and mature adults or at least one mature adult. Never will you find good when both husband and wife are out of control and childish. Don't give up and may Allah, Most High, help you and your husband. |
|
|
|
|
jacquie
Starter
Joined: 01 August 2008 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 18 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 06 August 2008 at 5:51pm |
|
Salam Alykom,
I just wanted to take a minute to give an update. He called me yesterday and asked permission to come home because he had no where else to go. There are a lot of single guys in our area, so I know that is not true. I tried to talk to him but still, he refuses, but still no Talaaq, alhumdulilah. I went to him at 2 in the morning, and lied next to him, I held on so tight and told him that I love him, and he said it back and held me, then I guess he woke up and pushed me away. I am taking that as a good sign, he said it.
Tonight he is back, ate a nice dinner, and has ignored me again, I tried to talk to him, but he still insists that I pushed him too far and that he isn't coming back. I know my over jealousness and holding on too tight is what has caused this, and have promised and sworn to Allah that I would change all of it if he were to give me another chance to prove it.
My final words were that if he feels like he has to go to his friends house, then to go on, but that I would prefer that he stay here because it makes me feel safer having him here, even if it is on the couch.
Please make duahs for us. I am going to do my best at not being overbearing, and loosen the strings, maybe if he sees this he will come back.
Anyone have any other suggestions or advice, please send it, It really is helping me.
Salam Alykom,
Sister Jacquie
|
|
|
|
|
Shasta'sAunt
Senior Member
Female Joined: 29 March 2008 Status: Offline Points: 1930 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 07 August 2008 at 12:36am |
|
Assalamu Alaikum Sister Jacquie:
You are very sweet. If he told me he wanted to come home because he had nowhere else to go I don't know if I would have been so welcoming.
But good for you that you are backing off. Perhaps if you made yourself busy, maybe make some new friends and spend time with them away from home and him it would be beneficial for you and he would see that you have your own life.
Did you cook the nice dinner he ate before ignoring you? Since he was the one who left and then asked to come back as a favor I don't think you owe him anything. Is he just going to live with you letting you cook and clean for him but not acknowledging your presence? Telling you all of the while that he isn't back, so he is for all intents and purposes in his mind single? Sounds good for him.
Sister, you have to do what you need to so that in your heart and mind you will know that you did all that you could. Then whatever happens you will have a clear conscience. But you don't have to be a doormat. If he wants to live with you, and Islamically he should, then fine but you don't have to take care of him if he is treating you like less than a roommate. Let him get his own food and clothes and make him sleep on the couch. Let him get a taste of what not having a wife really means. You don't have to be mean or rude, just let him fend for himself. If he wants independence then give it to him.
|
|
|
�No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.�
Eleanor Roosevelt |
|
|
|
|
Hayfa
Senior Member
Female Joined: 07 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 2368 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 07 August 2008 at 7:47am |
|
Asalam Alaikum,
i am glad that he has at least comeback.
For a little bit, give BOTH of you some space.... women want to talk and "get answers" but men...well birds of a different feather..
As I have said, eomtional over-neediness is a big issue for women. As Shasta's Aunt said, keep busy, make friends etc. If he is your only souce of some level of validation you will always have issues. You need to focus on what is your deen about. What is Islam.
I reflect back to the Prophet's (SAAW) time. He married several women. All must share his time not only with the other women but his myriad of responsibilies in the community. Some had no children. What did they do, they must have kept busy. It was a hard time where you really worked for your survival.
He probably does love you.. but he cannot be all for you. You cannot give him this much power in your life. At a point in the distance you can bring up Surah or Hadiths about his contact with other women. Use Islam as your base. But do it at another point.
And on the other hand you must work on yourself and making yourself closer to Allah.
Keep us posted. My Duas are with you.
|
|
|
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
|
|
|
|
|
Chrysalis
Senior Member
Joined: 25 November 2007 Status: Offline Points: 2033 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 07 August 2008 at 10:02am |
Assallamualaikum Sis Jacquie . . .
Your comment above stuck in my mind. Do you think that you cannot distance yourself from him due to Islam or because you love him? You also mentioned before something about bieng a good muslim wife and not asking questions . . . Sister, Islam gives you the right to discuss/ask things from your husband - especially when there is a misunderstanding.
Why do you feel that reverting to Islam has something to do with this painful feeling you have? You can still move on sister, it seems to me from your 'it would have been easy for me to move on' before reversion suggests that you cannot move on now. . .sister you can! Have stength. Islam does not prevent/discourage women from opting out of an unhappy marriage - remarrying (or not) and moving on . . .
I'm in no way bieng careless or dismissive about divorce and your love for him. But sis, unfortunately, he doesnt seem to be responding! And marriage/love cannot be a one way street. . . it has to go both ways. Think about how unhappy you currently are - versus how unhappy you would be after seperation . . . your daugher's emotional wellbieng is also at stake.
I wish I could offer more constructive advise, but have none. Unfort, I cannot think of any advise to keep ur marriage together . . . just be prepared for anything. If your husband wishes to divorce, unfort its his right, and nobody can stop him, even if they wanted to. All we can do is pray that you and your daughter gain happiness and satisfaction from whatver outcome.
|
|
|
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
|
|
|
|
|
jacquie
Starter
Joined: 01 August 2008 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 18 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 07 August 2008 at 2:04pm |
|
Salam Alykom,
Before Islam, I was far from being an angel. I would have gone out dancing, gone out on dates with other men, things that were fun that would get my mind off of the situation, and able to move on.
Since reverting, and then marrying, I have given all I can to build my life around my marriage and my daughter. I am a "homebody", basically because, I was on every beck & call for my husband, as he was for me, with few exceptions. I do have friends, however the one I need is away for the summer, and the others don't really undertand the situation because they are either not Muslim, or not married. I usually help with Sunday school at our mosque, but even that is off for the next few weeks.
Alhumdulilah, Islam gives me strength, and my daughter must hate me by now, but everyday we work on learning new surahs, and making sure she is praying. It's the only thing I have for right now, other than wallowing in self pity.
I was married for 15 years to a very emotionally and physically abusive man, who destroyed every bit of self confidence that I had. My husband helped to rebuild it, or so I thought. I am finding out that he was my self confidence, and am actually terrified now to face the world with out him, although, I promise, I am pushing myself forward and taking each step at a time, it is just so scary. Maybe this is to teach me to stop being so dependent, and be the independent woman my mother wanted to raise, just with my hijab on.  |
|
|
|
|
jacquie
Starter
Joined: 01 August 2008 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 18 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 12 August 2008 at 9:04am |
|
Salam Alykom,
I think my husband realizes that what he is doing is wrong, he hasn't called his mom since it all started, so I am trying to find as many as possible about keeping families / marriages together as possible. I remember seeing one that said something about those that help to unite a marriage, but I can not find it. Hopefully, if I can help him to remember our faith, he will wake up and come home.
Also, isn't there a hadith that says something against those that intend to destroy a marriage?
|
|
|
|
|
Post Reply
|
Page <1234 6> |
Tweet
|
| Forum Jump | Forum Permissions You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |
Topic Options
jacquie wrote: