Looking for help!

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 Annie86 wrote:

Ok i will start by saying, this has took me along time to find somewhere were i feel i can ask for help! I feel deeply embarrassed and highly ashamed of what i am about to write. 

So here goes...........

I first was interested in Islam when i was about 16/17 years old due to being in a relationship with a Muslim guy. Even though we broke up i still dressed modestly. Fast forward a few years. Ok so in 2006 i had alot of ups and downs in my life, i have struggled with mental health (bi-polar).. and a friend i had said he could make me Muslim so i agreed, he told me to say a sentence and then i would be Muslim. after this i rapidly changed i changed my name legally i completely covered up including niqab (All within a week)... By now i had no-one, my family disowned me and i had no friends at all. i was to scared to go to mosque alone. So i found a husband via single Muslims site. i didn't meet him but his sister in law. We was married within a week. i feel i just wanted help. it didn't last as i was still un medicated for my bipolar and unfortunately we divorced. after that i went back to my English ways as i felt it was all to much. OK so it has been around 5 years now i am stable with my bipolar and i keep having this yearning like something is calling me, everyday now i find myself studying more and more about Islam (properly this time) I truly feel that, that's who i am. The more i study i feel like when my friend told me to say the sentence it wasn't right. I want to go into this properly with full knowledge and be able to take my Shahada in a Masjid. I feel so disrespectful of how i have live my life. But no matter what i do i need to come home to Allah swt. I know this time id like to do it right by moving to a Muslim community so i have the support so i never let evil pull me away again. (When i tried to become Muslim previously i had very little knowledge).... 

Please can anyone help.. Can i pay for my sins or will i never be accepted again?

Thank you for taking time to read this, And i appreciate and help or advice you can give.

W'Salaam

Annie

There is nothing to worry in your case.
Allah is merciful and he forgives every sin except for shirk.

All you need to do is to honestly repent and make the intention that you will try your best not to go back to the path of ignorance.
If you unintentionally commit a sin 1000 times and you honestly repent a 1000 times, Inshallah Allah will forgive you a 1000 times. It's all about how truthfully honest you are with yourself and with your lord in your efforts to stay on the right path. No one is perfect and perhaps no one can complete the entire teaching of Islam 100% in his life. We are humans and we are bound to make mistakes. And that's why Allah says I am merciful. You ask for forgiveness and I will forgive you.

I think what you need to do is go slow in your learning and practice process, and do NOT make it too hard on yourself. Stick with the basics and slowly move your way up in the coming years.

Another thing that really helps is to stay in the company of good Muslims. Remember, when a non-Muslim converts to Islam, the Satan starts working on him 24/7 to push him back into ignorance. So no matter what happens, NEVER leave Islam. This journey could be easy, but at times your faith will be tested. 
Always remind yourself not to let Satan take over you and always seek help from Allah.
The benefit of being in the company of good Muslims is that you keep getting reminders and you are confident to practice your faith since you form a synergy with other Muslims.