How do I help my husband?

[Mona45 wrote]Things are not good right now.I dont think I'll be going back to Jordan with my husband.

 Oh My Goodness Mona, what happened?!?!?

Please tell us!!!!

Salaam

Salaam O Alaikum Mona

Before I respond, I just wanted you to know that I'm a very down to earth, no  b/s person when it comes to marriage and family.  The stakes are just too high for silly games. Sister, I'm not a " just follow tweleve steps" and your life will be perfect! I live on planet earth, and believe in reality. You are so right that sex is rarely talked about concerning marriage. People are so legalistic, and materialistic, that they don't talk about how to actually sustain a marriage. And I must be very blunt that it appears that many Muslim men especially those from overseas, believe that sex is something they give us and we should be grateful. It's almost like having sex with a dead person, it seems to be their mentality.

I love the book "Reliance Of The Traveller" translated by Sheik Nuh Ham Mim Keller. In it, he explains that it is both spouses obligation to keep each other chaste and to fulfill each others needs until that goal is accomplished. The problem with the Muslim community world wide is that Muslim scholars are always focusing on our obligations as women instead of our rights; many men do not know our rights and many Muslima's are opressed not for the reasons the west says we are but because our own brothers in Islam refuse to give us our rights. This situation will never change unless some women preferrably psychologists, and gynecologists who are Muslim take a firm stand and start educating sisters prior to marriage.

Regarding your situation, I said in a previous thread that if some one isn't fulfilling their Islamic obligations or commands, they are refusing to do so. If one does not pray they are refusing to pray, if one does not fulfill his wife needs on purpose, he is refusing to fulfill his wife's needs. That's the bottom line. If you two have discussed this issue, and you have been patient, than he just refuses to do it, bottom line.

If you believe that it is worth toughing this out than I have a few suggestions for you.

Both of you go to a urologist, make sure he doesn't have any birth defects, deformities, or hormonal issues.

See a sex therapist or a marriage counselor who focuses on that area of marriage.

Find sex educational videos, tapes, books etc.

Teach him with out being demanding, and overwhelming.

Go to couples seminars in the moutians.

If you need further suggestions than private message me.

And remeber you are a woman- Your own woman- before you are some one else's woman. You need to pamper your self and invest in your self. I want you to order a Mary K Make over, get a pedicure, buy a new silk dress, have brunch- invest in yourself.

And if you do decide to get divorced you really have to trust that Allah will bless you with some one who will treat you with respect and dignity. I would never accept a husband being cold to me in any way. That's so third gradish! Silent treatment over the age of 30! Are you kidding me?

If you accept behaviour that you know is not right, than that situation is on you. You have to value your self more than anybody else because believe me, nobody else other than your mother will do it.

You do have options. He is not the end all to your sexuality, self-esteem, or life. You can live and love again- that is if you choose to.

And finally just know that you are a Muslim- you are a blessed creature of Allah. You are worth so much more than what you currently have. You are a treasure- you are beautiful, you are intelligent, you are worthy, you are valuable and you do not matter. Anything is possible with sincere reliance on Allah guidance, and patience. If you want something all you have to do is ask Yal-Aziz. Sister, every marriage has it test. For some it is money, for others it is children, for some it weight gain, and yet for others its living with difficult personalities. Sister this is your test. Allah is watching how both of you handle it.

Remeber that the male ego is very fragile. Any questioning of their sexuality is tantamount to an attack on their manhood. Real men, who are in touch with reality, know that they must be tender, compassionate, and flexible with their wife. They know they have to compromise. Only men who are egotistic, ignroant, and stubborn remain in a dysfunctional situation.

Salaam

Jenni u said:

"If you are at a last resort and worried about your chastity I have read some scholars say it is acceptable to pleasure yourself, but only as a last result. And for some people in bad marriages this is thier only option.  That is just what I have read, so you have to find out for yourself."

where did u read this. was it not perhaps some of those misleading sites which go against the very teachings of Islam? i only ask cos its the first time i have heard of this. does anyone have clarity on this issue?