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Urgent Marriage Advice Needed
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Israfil View Drop Down
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Points: 3984 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Israfil Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 August 2008 at 2:14pm
Jacquie,
 
have you ever consulted a marriage counselor?
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jacquie View Drop Down
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I've tried to get him to talk to some one but he refuses. He feels that there is nothing to fix, but at the same time admits that he still loves me.
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Shasta'sAunt View Drop Down
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Originally posted by jacquie jacquie wrote:

Salam Alykom,
 
I think my husband realizes that what he is doing is wrong, he hasn't called his mom since it all started, so I am trying to find as many as possible about keeping families / marriages together as possible. I remember seeing one that said something about those that help to unite a marriage, but I can not find it. Hopefully, if I can help him to remember our faith, he will wake up and come home.
 
Also, isn't there a hadith that says something against those that intend to destroy a marriage?
 
 
 
Salaams,
 
Those Hadith refer to parties outside the marriage. Allah does not like divorce but it is certainly allowed. There is nothing in Islam that says you should or must stay in a marriage when you no longer want to.
�No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.�
Eleanor Roosevelt
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jacquie View Drop Down
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Points: 18 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jacquie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 August 2008 at 7:30pm
Salam Alykom,
 
I did not mean directly forbidding it, I meant more of that it should ber avoided if possible.
 
 {And live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allaah brings through it a great deal of good.}[Qur'an 4: 19]
 
"A believing man should not hate a believing woman (his wife) since he may hate one of her qualities, but like another." [Muslim] The Prophet also said: "The woman has been created from a rib (the rib is crooked) and she will never continue to be as you desire her to be (i.e. always obedient). If you enjoy her, you will do so while she is still a crooked rib. If you try to straighten it you will break it, and breaking it means divorcing her. So treat women (your wives) kindly." [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim] Moreover, Allaah says (which means): {And do not forget liberality between yourselves.}[Qur'an 2:237].
 

-"If  you fear a breach between the two (husband and wife), appoint an arbiter from his people and another from hers.  If they desire amendment, Allah will make them of one mind". (Surah al-Nisa, 4:35)

-�Allah likes most, the house which is inhabited in the wake of  a  marriage and dislikes most the house which is abandoned in the wake of separation.�

 

These are the ones I could find, does anyone know of any others?
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Hayfa View Drop Down
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Points: 2368 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Hayfa Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 August 2008 at 8:20am
Salaams Jacquie,
 
I pray you are having a good day today.
 
One thing I would add is that you and your husband need to make Islam and pleasing / fearing Allah as the basis of your marriage.
 
I remember telling a Prospective husband that he would be #2, NEVER #1. Loving Allah should be the most important intention of any person.
 
It is hard ot have this focus as we are but human and being in this world and yet separate is a challenge.
 
Sometimes marriages fall apart. People drift apart. Men are typically less effective at verbal communication. Women who "love" their husbands tend to put all eggs of life into that one person. She is typically at home, taking care of home, he is out and about at work, masjid etc. In west, Muslim women are far more isolated than in Muslim majority countries. So they have more busy social lives and this do not rely upon the husband to meet all of their social, emotional and psychological needs. This is even more applicable to reverts at times as they know fewer Muslims.
 
I would say that when dealing with your husband your main goal is to remain calm. You cantake classes on effective communication. bUt calmly telling him that mixing with other women is not acceptable in Islam. He should be cordial and polite but not "friendly" Big difference.  There are boundaries. And really it is about his relationship to Allah. We all are tested. Particularly Muslim men in the west are tested on this level.
 
And then change the subject.If he continues to do it, he'll answer to Allah.
 
And really, does your husband fear Allah? Is he not thinknig of the consequences. And that is by what I mean about focusing on Allah. If your husband is not seeking to please Allah and you are.. then that is a big issue.    
 
Find some funthings to do... if nothing else, go read the "Interfaith Dialogue" on this Forum... quite an experience WinkTongue
 
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Israfil View Drop Down
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Originally posted by jacquie jacquie wrote:

I've tried to get him to talk to some one but he refuses. He feels that there is nothing to fix, but at the same time admits that he still loves me.
 
No, the question is have YOU talked to a marriage counselor?
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jacquie View Drop Down
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Points: 18 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jacquie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 August 2008 at 9:30pm

Salam Alykom,

 
No, I have not spoken to a marriage counselor, but I will look into it. We do have an appointment to speak to an Imam on Friday, but I don't know if he will actually show.
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Israfil View Drop Down
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Good luck
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