chastity, virginity

salman_s wrote: sister_m82 wrote: oh me silly girl. i'm shy to say this , but.. you won't believe what's my answer to my confused question. i've just found out that Zina is NOT a SIN for nonmuslims. . and as i had proposals mostly from nonmuslims, it was weird for me when i was questioned for the first time if i was a virgin or not. yeah, now you all know who is sister_m82 , a girl laughing at her own silliness. pray for me to gain more good knowledge. sorry after some surfings in inet to find smth on this topic, only this text caught my attention: "Sex is a major component in most relationships. And part of finding Miss Right includes being with a person who has the same sexual mentality and physicality you do, regardless of their saintly or sordid past." sister_m82 wrote: Zina is NOT a SIN for nonmuslims. it does not really matter....because all the deeds of non muslims are going in vain....as they are not muslims.....and the greatest sin that they are committing is denying this: There is no deity worthy of worship except Allah, and Prophet Muhammad is the believing slave and final messenger of Allah

Bismillah,

Just for the sake of anyone reading this:  Many people don't agree with Brother Salman.  (Only Allah, The All-Knowing, knows who loves Allah more or not.  Maybe you will flip right before you die Brother.  Be steadfast.  May Allah, The Most Merciful, open your heart and mind just a bit more.)

schwester wrote: but anyway, i think the question about girl's virginity suits only virgin men. and if a girl was divorced, widowed, or have lost her virginity because of some deseases, or any other, and hasn't done any zina then for what reason a brother(especially nonvirgin), asking this quesion to learn sister's iman(how much she is far from sins), should ignore her? she hasn't done zina. for what other reasons may a MUSLIM-wife-seeking MUSLIM brother require girl's virginity? or you think it is right just to wish a virgin girl? does such brother have the right iman?

That is a very good question.  Perhaps a good question to ask this man, would be to counter him with the same question?  If he becomes offended, then the sister should walk away.  There was a recent study that showed (In the US) virginity pledgers lie.  If the brother answers bashfully that he is a virgin or he admits to a.) being married or b.) failing in the past.  The second question I would put forth is why does it matter to you if I have not committed zina? (since my Shahada for reverts, or divorce for Muslimahs)

Ummziba posted a lovely set of questions a woman should ask her perspective spouse.  I would check them out.

I'll post a reply to it to throw it back to the top of the Women's section.

Somebody asked about questions to ask your potential spouse... there are a few good books of questions that you can ask somebody to learn more about them.  Here are some I'd include.  If your backgrounds are more dissimilar, I'd probe further... as cultural expectations can really vary.  Don't forget that your nikkah can include whatever you want it to... so if you agree that it is O.K. for you to work or do whatever.. put that in! 

It's sometimes a good idea to answer these separately... that way, people are more likely to be honest.

Note: these are ones I often use with women who plan to revert/marry at the same time (which in general, i don't recommend)

1)Have you read the entire Qur'an yet?

2) Have you read a collection of Sahih ahadith yet?

For both, what passages or ahadith did you question or wonder
about? I wouldn't revert until you've done both... even if you
never managed to read through the Bible as a Christian.

Do you have Muslim friends?

Have you met his family? Or at least spoken to them?? Do they accept that their son wants to marry an American and a revert? What about his friends?

If planning to move someplace to live with your husband, have you ever visited?? What did you think?

Has your family met him? Do they know you want to marry him? Do they know you want to convert? How would they feel if you started
wearing hijab? How would they feel if their grandchildren had
Muslim names? Do you want your son to have your father's middle
name some day?? Do you know that it is unlikely your husband would
agree to that... both because it is not a Muslim name and Egyptian
Naming Standards... First Name, Husband's Name (Even if it's a
girl), Grandfather's Name, Great-Grandfather's Name. How would you
feel if your daughter's middle name was your husband's name?

If you are a revert, What about Christmas, Easter, and Birthdays? Will you still celebrate with your family? Will you and your husband allow your family to give your kids Christmas gifts and Easter baskets...or is
that strictly forbidden? How will you deal with Christmas?

Do you have a Wali? Please do not proceed in marriage without one.
You need to find somebody who will stand up for your rights
Islamically. A lot of times, in my community, we pair new converts
with Muslim Mentor families. The father of the family then acts as
the Wali.

Have your friends met him? What do your non-Muslim and Muslim
friends think of him?? What is his reputation in the community?

Have you discussed your mahr/dowry? Is it realistic from both standpoints.  If you needed to re-establish yourself, could you with this amount of money.

Do you understand the implications of your husband's home country's  custody laws on your children? Does he understand your country's custody laws and divorce laws as well?( For example, in Egypt, the courts may grant you custody if they are under a certain age, but your husband can prevent you from taking them out
of the country.)

What does your husband feel your duties are as his wife? What do you feel they are? (Think about things as basic as cooking. We
Americans tend to eat out a lot... Egyptians, for example, do not. Can you really see yourself preparing breakfast, lunch, and dinner seven
days per week?)

Do you have friends (from work/school) of the opposite sex? How
would your husband feel if you were in contact with them once you
are married?

Hijab... does your husband expect you to wear it once you marry?
What about clothing... is O.K. with modest Western-style clothing or
does he expect you to wear Arab- or Asian-styled clothing? Will he let you wear pants/jeans/make-up?? (Note: What you do know (and his
reaction)... may be very different when you are married... and when
you visit his family.)

What about work, school, etc.? Be sure to put things like that in
your marriage contract.

If you plan to move to another country with your spouse, and your husband gets a job with a typical salary... how often can you realistically expect to visit the States?

Have you discussed 4:34? Domestic Violence is a problem
everywhere... but note, that in most Muslim countries it is not a
crime and is prevalent. Even though Islam puts limitations on the
force and what situations it can occur in... those limits are rarely
kept.

If you've ever had a pet dog, note that most Muslims do not own dogs as pets. Those who do, keep them strictly outside and strictly as guard dogs/working dogs. They are not seen as "Members of the
Family" by most.

Are you used to having maids, cooks, etc. Will you be able to continue to live that way once you marry?

Can you continue your education? How far? Is it OK for you to work at your profession... what limitations, if any.  (Like some guys want you to stop working once kids come.)

How would your husband feel if you made more money than he did?

Does he pray? How often?  What about you? (Please be honest.)

How much Qur'an have each of you memorized?

Would you send your kids to an Islamic school... why/why not/depends on quality of academics?

Would you require your daughters to wear hijab? If so, at what age?

How does he feel about your family? How do you feel about his?

How neat or messy are you... no really. :) (Ask family members about this)

Have you ever lived with a roommate? If yes, what did that other person do that annoyed you?

Have you ever lived apart from your parents? How did that go... financially, emotionally, etc.

Where do you want to live? Would you ever move away from your family?

What type of lifestyle do you aspire to?

What charity work do you do...or hope to do?  Do you pay zakat?

Talk about budgets... as well as how much money he feels is an adequate allowance.

How do you feel about car loans, mortgages, credit cards, etc.

How many kids do you want? Are you OK with IVF? What about adopting if we can't have them ourselves (or in addition to having kids ourselves)?

Who do you expect to spend holidays with... (Sometimes people assume all holidays will always be spent with their family)

How would you feel about one or both sets of our parents living with us when they are old?

How do you react when you are mad? Do you tend to want to resolve things quickly... or wait for things to die down? Silent treatment or a talker? (Ask friends about this)

Would you conisder premarital counseling?

What are your favorite foods? What foods can't you stand? (Ex...I hate fish, my husband loves it.  So... should I still cook it, should he have to go out for it, etc.)

Do you exercise? How do you feel about a woman going to a womans only gym... what about a mixed gym? What about swimming pools and the beach?

Did you grow up with Sisters? Did you ever have a girlfriend?

Have you ever been engaged before? What happened?

What worries you about me... what you know of me so far?

Can bring up politics as well... but if you'd like somebody to debate with, then maybe you don't want to agree on everythign :)

How much will you be willing to help around the house?  Are you OK with my having one day or afternoon off per week when we have kids?  How do you feel about nannys, baby sitters, etc.?

Do you expect our kids to only have Muslim friends?

Just a few to think about.  I have more, but no time to type.  Sorry :)