My husband has another wife

I certainly feel your pain and anxiety.  It is so sad that men are fickle and deceitful.  Unfortunately it has been my experience that men like your husband marries Western ladies out of convenience while they are abroad studying and/or trying to achieve citizenship, only later to return for their wife or to marry inside their own culture leaving a wreck of emotions and destroyed relationships behind.  I suggest that you gather your strength to consider carefully � using your head and not your heart, deciding whether to stay or leave.  Forget the idea that his other wife and family will ever accept you, this is extremely rare.  Based upon what you have said, I really don�t see how he can be trusted. Allah Knows Best.

sister martha..i am so sorry that you are going through this.  what an aweful experience.  i am an american convert, and love a man that is from another culture.  i, too, am hoping for acceptance from him and his family.  so...i can relate to your sense of rejection and frustration entirely.  i can only imagine how much pain you must be in, given that you're married (i'm not yet, but hoping to).  for those of you who aren't converts, hear my cry:  you must stop looking at us as "different" from you.  Allah views us in light of our piety...not by our skin color, where we were born, etc.  Families that are on the right path must accept us just as Allah does.  surely you are not better than Allah, right?  If we're good enough for Him to be chosen among so many non-muslims in our western society, then you are "off" if you reject us, or believe we are just "not right for your families"....particularly becuase we are your muslim sisters and brothers.  Well, enough ranting and back to you, martha.  Of course continue praying...maybe even istakhara...if and only if you are truly willing to choose the right path (Allah's way).  ensure you are praying 5x a day (at least).  I've found that when i'm close to Allah, He's close to me.  Sometimes i need people to "smack me" and tell me what i'm not seeing.  and here i go:  this man has been dishonest and unkind to you.  he lied and he is keeping you from being happy by not mixing you with his family.  even if he is doing it to protect his family's feelings, it is wrong...becuase you, as his wife, come right after Allah.  Marriage is half of islam, and a source of pleasing Allah.  If it exists under deceptive circumstances, then it is wrong, wrong, wrong.  A strong, pious man would not do this.  you deserve someone who is honest and 100% dedicated to you.  There is no reason for a man to be married to more than one woman unless there are highly unusual circumstances...not just becuase he feels love for another woman, or needs citizenship, has plenty of money, prestige, etc.  He was selfish in marrying two women.  It is very clear to me, the only reason you should stay with this man is if 1) he is honest to the world (Allah, first) about you and brings you "out of the closet" and 2) you are happy given the outcome of "coming out".  So, if his family continues to reject you and he fails to say, "I am a grown man, i love martha and she is a good muslim woman AND you accept who i've chosen as my wife or see me a lot less and 3) you can deal with sharing him.  It is my understanding that a man should take a second wife only with the first wife's permission.  either way, he's wrong.  Since he is clearly not following the right path, and he deceived you, then i think you are entirely permitted to ask for divorce.  yes, i think you should sever ties with him and move on.  i may just have to do the same for similar reasons...it is so very hard.  surely there are brothers out there that are truly seeking pious wives, and know that they need to answer to Allah, and and to their families, if and only if (Allah tells us this in the Qur'an) their parents are leading the right path (think of Abraham going against his father when he was wrong).  So, don't live any longer in misery.  You are not truly happy with this man...how could you be, western or easter alike?  Allah wants you to strive to honor Him and in all the roles He gave you.  It sounds to me that you're in distress over this marriage.  Surely it keeps you from brining honor to all your other roles in life, because you are distressed.  It hurts...Allah know it.  It's difficult to believe (for me, too), but He has the ability to fill all of our voids.  And He is merciful.  Ask, beg his mercy on you, and Insha'allah, He will comfort you.  So, again, i'm not an imam, but i think you have no reason or obligation to stay in this marriage given that it was based on deceit and continues to exist in unkindness.  i'm so glad you wrote...i will pray for you tonight, sister martha, and i hope you will for me, too. 

Asalam Alaikum,

What a difficult situation for you!  I have bene to Pakistan and can understand some of the challenges you face.

I think that is all would depend upon his individual family. Having more then one wife is not that common there, from what I have encountered. And you have to take into account if they have a joint family system. Cause if they do, his other wife will be living with his family. That means she is mostly like intergrated into the family. And to be honest, I would find it extremely difficult to live there without the support of his family. Some families may be fine with it. Some will not.

When I was in Pakistan I was asked to be a 2nd wife. It is different cause I know they were married.  But knowing what I know, I would not have done it unless the family instigated it.  For you do not know if his marrying you is seen a a betrayal of the family.  You just don't know.

And really if his other wife (and possibly) kids live with them, it will be very hard to intergrate into that. Yes they may be "forced" to accept you as they are often at a disadvantage economically and 'educationally" but it won't necessarily be good. If he has not already told them that tells you all you need to know, they won't be happy.

I don't think, necessarily, your acceptance hinges on your not be Asian, it is the situation at hand.. coming into a household as a 2nd wife. He then has to face to the reality that he also deceived his family. But your ethnicity is less of a factor. Plus they also don't "know" you. This again puts you at a disadvantage. 

Chances are also that his marriage is not all about "love."  Not all marriages end up on that level, but they will stay married. He met you and found a "connection". So I see how it happens.

So it seems that you have to choose

1. leave him

2. Continue as is.. knowing that you will not be part of his family in the way you would like. Knowing he does have another family.

3. Try to go to Pakistan. I tell you, it may be a nightmare.. Keep in mind that the other wife probably has no idea you exist. She will be almost forced to accept the situation as she is at a very big economic and educational disadvantage (9 times out of 10). Divorce for her would be very difficult in that culture. If there are children involved it becomes even more difficult.

I do think you need to confront him more and get more knowledge before making a decision. You need to know exactly what he has done. Of course you would not know, depending upon his age, that he was probably married. As I say everyone is married in Pakistan. It would be rare to be 33 and not married for a guy. And I am not sure how old your husband is...

I do feel for you. I don't think there are any easy answers. The saddest part is the deception. It shows how much people can realyl hurt others.

Knowing what I know about Paksitan soceity and culture, I could not ever go to Pakistan as a 2nd wife. I just know too much. But you'll need to decide for yourself.

My duas for you.

As Salamu alaikum

Sister Martha, Masha Allah the sisters have given you very good advice.

I agree with sister Hayfa, you need to confront your husband and get all the facts before going to Pakistan.

When you are in a foreign land, you will need your husband's support, as that is the only support you will have.

Most families in Indo/Pak can drain a foreigner emotionally but on the other hand there are families that will shower her with love and affection till she says "stop I had enough".

Don't worrry so much about the co-wife or his family for now, worry about your position in his life.

Insha Allah, Allah will help you make the right decision. Ameen!

Sister Samada, Welcome to the forum. You sound very angry and I was too when I read the post. As Muslims, we need to fear Allah and realize that His is watching each and every action. Unfortunately today's men are very deceitful. Many sisters have faced what sister Martha is facing today, and many sisters will face this situation in the future.

When we truly believe in Allah and trust our affairs to Him, He shows us the way. Don't forget that after every hardship comes ease and Paradise is veiled by hardships.

May Allah guide us and keep us on the Path that leads to Paradise. Ameen

 Wa Alaikum Salam