loneliness in marriage

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   As salaamu alaikum , I have been married for 5 years , however  I am not happy in my marriage there are rare times when things are good but there are many  more  times when things are bad  and when things are bad they are bad .  My husband who has been muslim for about 25 yrs.He has verbally and mentally  abused me for 4 out of our 5 years being married. He shows me  no affection , there has been a lack of intimacy for at least a year, no interest in me at all. He is not interested in any of my passions , he does not and has never supported my interest we have one child together , he yells at me , has called me st**id  many , many times in front of my children , tells me to s*****p in front of my children , has said hurtful things in the way of my weight gain after giving birth to his child, never ever complaints me or has anything nice to say about me , and often belittles me and picks me apart totally my husband has no patients with me at all. He totally ignores me. I have tried and cried many many times to get him to paticipate in this marriage. to no avail , he blames every thing on me I'm always wrong everything is my fault , nothing is never ever his fault   please help! , any suggestions. I continusly pray to Allah (swt) for guidance and help , I continusly ask Allah(swt) to grant my husband sabr in reguards to me . I am soooooooooo lonely , there is no affection at all , no conversation, no walks to the park , no dinner dates, no let me get to know you, what do you like , what is your favorite color , what is your favorite meal, what are your fears, what is your joy , what makes you sad , what is your drive , none of this after 5 yrs of marriage . I am often depressed, just simply surving I have 5 children total 1 with him . I am a homeschool mom I love my children with all my heart.  I have none , I mean no friends/ sisters at all to talk to . I think I cry 3-4 times daily. sometimes I can barely perform or even prepare for salat , I get so down . The thing is I often will put up a mask to protect my marriage . But it is starting to take a toll on me . I try , Allah nows I am trying to keep it all together . I also need to feel loved, vauled, appreciated, and present in my marriage . Please help , any suggestions would be great . I do love my husband. please sisters responses only! .  Islamically, is this right? . Dont get me wrong I do stand up for myself when needed, however I'm just not into this way of communicating. What I do know is if things aren't better between us by the winter, I'm out. As salaamu alaikum.

Edited by I luv islam 007 - 20 May 2009 at 2:32am

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I luv islam 007 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Starter Female Joined: 19 May 2009 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 3	Post Options Post Reply Quote I luv islam 007 Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Topic: loneliness in marriage Posted: 19 May 2009 at 10:04am
	As salaamu alaikum , I have been married for 5 years , however I am not happy in my marriage there are rare times when things are good but there are many more times when things are bad and when things are bad they are bad . My husband who has been muslim for about 25 yrs.He has verbally and mentally abused me for 4 out of our 5 years being married. He shows me no affection , there has been a lack of intimacy for at least a year, no interest in me at all. He is not interested in any of my passions , he does not and has never supported my interest we have one child together , he yells at me , has called me stid many , many times in front of my children , tells me to s***p in front of my children , has said hurtful things in the way of my weight gain after giving birth to his child, never ever complaints me or has anything nice to say about me , and often belittles me and picks me apart totally my husband has no patients with me at all. He totally ignores me. I have tried and cried many many times to get him to paticipate in this marriage. to no avail , he blames every thing on me I'm always wrong everything is my fault , nothing is never ever his fault please help! , any suggestions. I continusly pray to Allah (swt) for guidance and help , I continusly ask Allah(swt) to grant my husband sabr in reguards to me . I am soooooooooo lonely , there is no affection at all , no conversation, no walks to the park , no dinner dates, no let me get to know you, what do you like , what is your favorite color , what is your favorite meal, what are your fears, what is your joy , what makes you sad , what is your drive , none of this after 5 yrs of marriage . I am often depressed, just simply surving I have 5 children total 1 with him . I am a homeschool mom I love my children with all my heart. I have none , I mean no friends/ sisters at all to talk to . I think I cry 3-4 times daily. sometimes I can barely perform or even prepare for salat , I get so down . The thing is I often will put up a mask to protect my marriage . But it is starting to take a toll on me . I try , Allah nows I am trying to keep it all together . I also need to feel loved, vauled, appreciated, and present in my marriage . Please help , any suggestions would be great . I do love my husband. please sisters responses only! . Islamically, is this right? . Dont get me wrong I do stand up for myself when needed, however I'm just not into this way of communicating. What I do know is if things aren't better between us by the winter, I'm out. As salaamu alaikum. Edited by I luv islam 007 - 20 May 2009 at 2:32am

Pati Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Female Joined: 10 April 2009 Location: Spain Status: Offline Points: 304	Post Options Post Reply Quote Pati Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 19 May 2009 at 2:04pm
	Dear I luv islam 007, I feel sorry for what you are living. It's very sad to read what you wrote. I am not muslim, but woman, and my suggestion is to look at your children's face, and to think, internally, if that situation is what you want for them. Before taking any decision, you have to make yourself strong. I know it's easy to say but not to do (myself, I am just doing now). Just think about how you are, and the life you want to live, and start making it possible, maybe with small things. Do you have any hobby? Painting? Writing? Anything there that you enjoy? That helps you to feel free? That is a starting point, I think. And in the moment you feel you are strong, just tell him that you have to talk, and the things you like/don't like from him, as well as your needs. In the same way, you have to show him that his needs are very important for you, and that your only aim in life is to make him and your children happy. If you love him, fight to save your marrige, but if you are on depression, it's going to be very difficult. You need to be very strong to face all these troubles. Maybe, a good point would be to go out for a weekend together, without children, because sometimes, when there is any problem between a couple and the children are around, the problem grows because the couple tries to hide the situation from them. Just try, in the moment you feel you can do it. Really, whenever you feel down, just look at your children. You are very lucky and valuable, just assert yourself. I wish you all the best and if you need anything, just tell me. Patricia
	No God wants the killing, but the peace. The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.

Hayfa Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Female Joined: 07 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 2368	Post Options Post Reply Quote Hayfa Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 20 May 2009 at 10:52am
	Salaams I luv Islam, I am sad to hear this. It is very hard when someone is going through such turmoil. Are you close to your family? Do you have support? You need it. Pati gave some good advice the ONLY thing I would disagree with is "your only aim in life is to make him and your children happy." The reason why I do is that you then give up all your power to your husband to make you happy. Some people are predators.. they abuse the weak. If you give him power.. some people, frankly abuse this. And it sounds like it in this case. You must find your own strength. First and foremost. You know we cannot know force anyone to love us. Feeling are feelings. But you deserve to be treaty with dignity and respect. To be ridiculed, etc is not at all Islamic. As Pati said, You need to strengthen yourself. If you are home all day with your kids, where do YOU get support. Never mind he is basically being an idiot, its not healthy to be isolated. Honestly, I think when you are a bit stronger, I would calmly ask, why does he stay married to you? If you are SO horrible why stay? YOU deserve more.. You really do My duas are for you.
	When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi

sr_rashidah Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Starter Female Joined: 10 May 2009 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 3	Post Options Post Reply Quote sr_rashidah Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 20 May 2009 at 11:14am
	Bismillahir rahmanir raheem Wa alaykum as salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh: Unfortunately, you are not alone in how your husband is treating you and how you are feeling, subhanallah. The first thing I will say is that from the way you describe him treating you, he has a problem. Whether it is self-esteem issues or whatever, he needs to seek help. Have you sought counseling? For both of you individually and as a couple? If he is unwilling, he obviously does not seem to be married for love and companionship, so you may need to ask "why"? I am glad to hear you are strong enough to leave if the situation does not change. I feel I stayed in my marriage longer than I should have (almost 10 years), thinking it was what was best for our child. My husband says the same. However, seeing us both miserable and unable to properly interact with each other as a couple, has most likely affected our child too. Counseling didn't work for us because my husband did not want to work on or save our marriage. It cannot be one sided. Allah (SWT) has told us in the Quran that if both are truly seeking reconciliation, He will reconcile you. Now, we are divorcing, and both realize it probably should have happened years ago. I pray that Allah (SWT) blesses you with what is best. salaam, Rashidah Edited by icforumadmin - 21 May 2009 at 5:54pm

Shasta'sAunt Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Female Joined: 29 March 2008 Status: Offline Points: 1930	Post Options Post Reply Quote Shasta'sAunt Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 23 May 2009 at 7:37am
	Run!!
	�No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.� Eleanor Roosevelt

Danty Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Female Joined: 29 March 2006 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 227	Post Options Post Reply Quote Danty Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 23 May 2009 at 5:44pm
	As-salam-u-laikum! Allah akhbar! Islamically, this wrong! Sister I have had my share of the same mess and more. I understand what you are going through and I am sorry. Some men are very complicated to understand. Like what the sisters above said, try to see if your husband would get counseling. It is so very important. The thing is that many mens egos are so high that they refuse any type of help. Please get help as soon as possible because your situation might become worse. I know you love his good side but his bad side may outweigh his good. You and your children donot want to live unhappy for the rest of your life. Think about it please... I will definitely keep you and your family in my duaa.
	Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said "Be kind, for whenever kindness becomes part of something, it beautifies it.Whenever it is taken from something, it leaves it tarnished." (IMAM BUKHARI)

Shasta'sAunt Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Female Joined: 29 March 2008 Status: Offline Points: 1930	Post Options Post Reply Quote Shasta'sAunt Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 26 May 2009 at 4:52am
	Walaikum Assalaam Sister: I reread your post and I wonder what it is about your marriage you are trying to protect? It seems as though you are not in a marriage at all but rather in a very distructive non-relationship with someone who keeps you around to abuse. You say you love your husband so I am compelled to ask, what is it about him that you love? Seriously? You have one child with him, and I'm assuming children from another marriage since you said he verbally abuses you in front of your children. I cannot express to you how wrong this behavior is. On his part for the abuse and on your part for allowing it to continue. What do you think you are teaching your children right now? That it is o.k. for men to be abusive, uncaring, aloof, unloving, absent from the marriage, show a total lack of respect toward women, etc... and that as a female you just take it. If you have boys do you want them learning to treat women this way? Not only their future wife, but any daughters they may have? And if you have girls, do you want them growing up thinking that men are allowed to treat them this way and they should accept it? Think Sister, if your daughter came to you in this situation and her husband was abusing her in front of your grandchildren, what would you tell her to do? My former husband was abusive. We were married for less than a year, but looking back that was way too long to waste on such a worthless piece of trash. You are probably telling yourself that you want to be fair and give him every chance, but Sister, if he hasn't changed in 4 years, he's not going to unless it's for the worse. And who is being fair and giving you every chance in this scenario. He certainly isn't. Your children are, but if you don't do something soon they will give up on you because it is your job to give them a safe a loving environment in which to grow up and they are trusting you to do so. But they won't trust you forever, and everytime they see him treat you badly it chips away a little more of that trust. Ultimately you will do what you choose to do. I just know that personally if I had it all to do over again, the first time my ex-husband called me a name instead of being shocked and hurt and accepting his lame excuse I would have calmly packed my bags and left. That's certainly what I would do now without even a second thought.
	�No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.� Eleanor Roosevelt

I luv islam 007 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Starter Female Joined: 19 May 2009 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 3	Post Options Post Reply Quote I luv islam 007 Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 26 May 2009 at 6:14am
	As salaamu alaikum Shasta's aunt , seriously I do not wish to be judged , Its one thing to give sincere advice and to sincerely counsel a sister who may be in trouble , how about doing so with out judgement like some of your questions in the way of my children , I will not even address because there ridiculious , I am a mother. not to mention my children are of limits just as I tell my husband . I question when said what you do is ulitimly your decision , I know this .Maybe you didn't quite understand my post ,you ask what is it I love about my husband , as stated in what I wrote we have and continue to still have good times, he is also the father of my daughter , yes, there are times when things are good . I was simply looking for some positive encouragement , we as sisters must stop placing judgement on one another. Stating what WE would do. Sister, some things come easier for some and not as easy for others , however Allah ( swt) is merciful and he provides us with tools. Thank you for your response to my post , but I still say we musn't ever, ever jugde. As far as my family and I , I have since taken some positive advice both me and my husband . ALLAH AU ALAM. Allah IS THE BEST OF PLANNERS. SHUKRN. THANK YOU TO ALL WHO HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO RESPOND TO MY POST , THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO HAVE INCLUDED ME IN THERE PRAYERS, PLEASE CONTINUE TO DO SO, INSHA ALLAH. AS SALAAMU ALAIKUM Edited by I luv islam 007 - 26 May 2009 at 9:15am