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pistacchio 
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Female Joined: 22 June 2009 Location: United Kingdom Status: Offline Points: 1 |
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 Topic: polygomyPosted: 22 June 2009 at 3:59pm |
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salam to all my sisters
Ive been reading some of your comments on the other posts and you seem to be full of understanding My question is on polygomy. I understand why it happend in the prophets time, but whats happening now!!!??? I am strongly against it and cant imagine how any women could be happy sharing her husband. I would very much like some sort of islamic evidence suggesting that it is not viable in this day and age, or that the permission of the first wife is needed. Thank Allah i have grown up in a family who is strongly against polygomy, but worry that the man i will marry would have different views. Also to be honest i feel weak in my faith in the prophet (pbuh) every time i think about it, which is something i really hate. Im just left frustrated by this whole polygomy stuff! Any help on this question would be appreciated  |
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Hayfa
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Female Joined: 07 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 2368 |
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Posted: 22 June 2009 at 7:24pm |
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Asalaam Alaikum Pistacchio.. (Love the name...pistacchio by the way),
I think if you ask Muslim women you will get a wide variety of views.. but most Muslim will not say it should not happen now. First it is not up to any of us to change the deen. We can choose if we want to be part of it. But to alter it or forbid it.. well.. I would say that most say it is not something Islamicallly we can do. Another point is that to say it is not necessary when women out number men is to not be realistic and to say those women are doomed to not marry. Three, yes many people do not practice it the correct way, or should I say men. But many people do not do marriage right period. That would be like we should outlaw it all, as many people are not very good at being a good partner. Permission of 1st wife. You will not find many, if any Islamic scholars saying it is correct to give 1st wife right of permission. Of course places do that. But it is not Islamic. We can view it personally with 'disfavor' but it is an option that some undertake. Think about the various conditions women are living under.. some are really not so hot.. and we are given the option.. to marry a man who is married to another that is OUR right. I met a sister in Pakistan who is the 2nd wife. She works, is well educated. She also walks with canes and is in a wheelchair at home. She men her husband at work. They got married. And frankly who am I to tell this woman she is wrong. Or take away one of her few options to be married.. to a respectable man who clearly took care of her. And it can be asked if you were raised in a more 'neutral' family regarding the issue would you have such a strong dislike? Not needing an answer just to ponder. Of course we all want the 'ideal' mate. But reality they are few and far between. The situations are all complicated. MANY people in monogamy or polygyny would change things if they could. Does my sister wish her husband would not drink? Yes. Can she change it. No. Honestly, for me, I had to take a step back and look at it from a less 'personal' view. It is part of the family, social and economic system of Islam. Who am I to say that it is not viable for some. It clearly is. I don't hate it. It is part of the fabric of our Ummah. Not a large part, but a part. I think it is important to meet or learn from women who are in polygyny. And let them be who they are. You can put into your marraige contract that you have a right to seek a 'divorce' if your husband marries another. Islamically you can not control him doing it. But you can end the marriage. And really there are no guarantees. The things I would worry about when I was 20 are not what I worry about now. Same for your husband. He may not want another wife and find he changed later on. So be it. You then still have a choice. And really, we should marry pious brothers.. and if there is already a shortage of men, finding a good, pious brother is all that much harder. If you want a link to meet women in polygyny just PM me. Yes they are out there. Edited by Hayfa - 24 June 2009 at 4:40am |
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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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samriha
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Joined: 04 November 2008 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 12 |
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Posted: 23 June 2009 at 6:50pm |
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SALAM TO ALL SISTERS,
MY DEAR SISTER MY NAME IS SAMRIHA .I NEED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU COMMING FROM BUT I MUST AGREE WITH SISTER HAYFA.IT IS VERY HARD SOMETIMES BUT LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS WHAT IT SEEMS. MY SISTER IT CHOICES THAT WE MAKE IN LIFE.I AM A WOMAN IN POLYGYNY AND IT IS NOT BAD AS IT SEEMS, I MUST TELL YOU YES SOMETHIME IT IS HARD BUT WITH THE HELP OF ALLAH EVERY THING,WILL BE BACK TO GOOD. IF YOU ARE IN ISLAM YOU WILL UNDERSTAND AT LEAST TRY TOO .READ THE QURAN.AFTER ALL ISLAM IS THE WAY OF LIFE.
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Chrysalis
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Joined: 25 November 2007 Status: Offline Points: 2033 |
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Posted: 24 June 2009 at 1:57am |
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Salammualaikum Dear Sis,
I hope Sis Hayfa and Samriha's responses helped. This is a sensitive issue for many muslim women (and nonmuslims) . . . understandably so.
Unfortunately sister, some social problems/issues are timeless. Allah in His Divine Wisdom knows that these problems will exist - if not worsen over time. Polygyny is a solution to these problems, even though one may not like it. Just like not all medicines and cures are pleasant - yet are a solution.
The social issues that existed during the Prophet's time, still exist today. If anything, some things have worsened. We still have more women in the society than men. . . and as time goes by, this ratio is going to be even more uneven.
However, despite the allowance for Polygyny bieng there - the percentage of men opting for polygyny is still less. Its not a common practise.
Samriha and Hayfa already addressed this. There is no such requirement of first wife's permission in Islam. However it is not your Islamic obligation to accept a polygynous marriage either, you can obtain a divorce.
If your husband has made up his mind about marrying someone else, there is nothing any person, law, or family member can do. Even if polygyny did not exist - there would still be husbands who would leave thier wives to marry others. This is something you cannot prevent or avoid. . . unfortunately this happens. Polygyny is not to blame. Banning Polygyny will not in anyway help reduce the number of straying men. I know a lot of women fear this about thier future - but the best attitude is not to kill yourself in worrying about hypothetical issues. Have trust in Allah and your fate. When things are not in your hands to change, the best option is to stop worrying and give Allah the burden we are trying to carry.
If you are worried about such things happen - you have a legal, islamic right to put it in your Nikah contract. Many muslim women do not know this, but Nikah is an open contract, in which both parties (bride & groom) can put in certain conditions - ofcourse the conditions need to be accepted and discussed by both parties. So you can put a condition in your Nikah contract that says your husband should not marry a 2nd wife. He will have to abide by these contractual conditions. Similarly, women can also put in conditions regarding Khulla etc that could make the divorce process easier for them. Basically any conditions that are acceptable can be put in the Nikah contract.
When I was in my early teens, I used to feel really dejected by the thought of Polygyny in Islam - but then I prayed to Allah, that He help me understand and accept the things in Islam that I dont understand due to my limited intellect. Alhamdulilah, after reading about Polygyny (and asking Q's) I came to terms with the concept and now I understand what logical wisdom lies behind Polygyny. It actually ends up working in the woman's benefit. So just have faith in Allah - and have faith in the fact that Allah is Just and Fair. . . He would NEVER be unfair to us.
Just because we dont understand something does not mean it is wrong. So, just make this dua and have faith. And until you gain the understanding about Polygyny - just dont think about it and focus on the aspects of Islam that you do find beautiful and understand.
As for the weakness in faith about the Prophet - I urge you to read some nice biography of the Prophet. I would suggest 'The Sealed Nectar' (Ar-raheeq Al-Makhtoum) by Safi Ur Rahman Mubarakpuri. It is a very nice biography that portrays the Prophet beautifully.
Don't forget, when our Prophet was just a young man, in the prime of his youth - 25 - he married his first wife Khadija who was a twice widowed lady of 45. He loved her immensley and she always retained a special place in his heart. . . he remained married to her for approx 25 years!!!! During this time, throughout his youth, she was his only wife! The year she died was named 'Aam ul Hazn' by him, and he was extremely saddened by her death. I find this relation of his with Khadija extremely touching, and makes me love him all the more. Subhanallah! Can any man ever surpass that act of his? or match this character of his?
May Allah help our Imaan and make us steadfast in our deen.
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"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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sophykhan
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Female Joined: 24 June 2009 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 16 |
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Posted: 24 June 2009 at 12:26pm |
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i would like to talk about subject
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Hayfa
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Female Joined: 07 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 2368 |
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Posted: 24 June 2009 at 6:34pm |
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Salaams Sophy khan..
Welcome to the Forum. Please do share your thoughts Hayfa |
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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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ZEA J
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Joined: 01 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 224 |
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Posted: 28 June 2009 at 3:12am |
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I am in the process of divorcing my husband of almost nine years, because he marrying a second wife, eventhough I warned him not to. we got married when I was only 17 yrs old. I'm so angry with him that if I stay with him I'm going to commit a sin. Although we have children together, there is absulotely no way I can let him make me his "other" wife. So I completely understand how you feel about polygamy sister.
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"You will never attain piety and righteousness,(and eventually paradise)until you
spend of that which you love."(Al-Imran:92) |
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Hayfa
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Female Joined: 07 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 2368 |
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Posted: 28 June 2009 at 5:56am |
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Aslaam Alaikum,
Zea J, you are right to know who you are.. and what you are about. It is NOT for all women. It is not for all men. Sometimes they marry and it causes problems later on. It is a blessing by Allah that your husband told you (or did you find out). And then YOU can decide what you want. And its fair and reasonable that you do not want these issues in your life. At least he is not lying and sneaking around. That is SO disrespectful. My Duas are with you. Hayfa |
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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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pistacchio wrote: