seeking advice on bringing up kids

Welcome to the Forum. I hope you will enjoy things here.

well.. there are different methodolgies to ge to the same point. One is knowing your children's personalities. I am a teacher and some kids are just SLOW in getting those shoes on.

TV: well befirm on deadlines, or time, like you get half an hour and then it is off. Be firm with this. Kids can always sense if one is a pushover. Make sure you have defined consequences.. like.. no dessert, or no TV the next day. Or take away a something they really like..like TV.

Bed: they just need to go to their room, if nothing else, even if they don't want to. They may not fall asleep right away. But they need to be there with lights out.

There is a clear difference between slow and outright disobedience. Some people are just slow, but they are moving. Praise them when they do it well and quickly.  If they are disobedient then there MUST be a consequence or they will continue to do it.

Concentration: are ther distractions around? If you are talking to the six year old you may need to do it with them to have them learn the habit. Try to have a set schedule, like after scack when they get home, or after dinner. Make it that no TV or dessert without homework done.

Things you dislike: well that is a tricky thing..Is it based on personality or sonething that you think is unhealthy for them. Please give an example.

Motivation to try new things: depends on what it is. First some kids are quite passive. Which is fine but can be harmful if not in balance with being open and willing to try new things. As far as dentist. I would not want to go either! Not much you can do about that.  You don't want to use this all the time, but have a "reward" for those very difficult things.. like the dentist and surgery. Like you'll go to a favorite restaurant, movie or ice cream, or another special type of place.

For other things that are less daunting then the dentist you may need to give it time. Find an activity that helps promote internal strength. I teach karate and self-defense. And we have some very shy kids. They really can leanr to balance out their natural reserve so they can then have choice. We do a lot of role playing in this regard. Most karate schools do not.  

Public Schools in UK: no idea.

Assalaamualaikum

Prophet sallahu alayhi wasallam allowed spanking only if the child is not praying. And beating HARD is not allowed.

Abu Mas'ud al-Badri reported: I was beating my slave with a whip when I heard a voice behind me: Understand, Abu Masud; but I did not recognise the voice due to intense anger. He (Abu Mas'ud) reported: As he came near me (I found) that he was the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) and he was saying: Bear in mind, Abu Mas'ud; bear in mind. Abu Mas'ud. He (Aba Maslad) said: threw the whip from my hand. Thereupon he (the Holy Prophet) said: Bear in mind, Abu Mas'ud; verily Allah has more dominance upon you than you have upon your slave. I (then) said: I would never beat my servant in future.  (Book #015, Hadith #4086)

Mind you, this was a slave. We are talking about little children here. We cannot force children to respect and obey us. Rearing children is not easy. Yes, spanking once in a while when its really necessary is one thing, but beating them all the time makes them more rebellious and disobedient. What works best is love. How you treat them, they will behave exactly the same way with you. We cannot expect the same reaction from every child, one may rebel, another may give in. But definitely we are crushing the self confidence of ALL of them if we do not treat them with love and respect and beat them all the time.

I received a mail regarding this, see my next post....

May Allah guide us and our children and make them the light of our eyes. Wassalaam.

lack of concentration....I agree with hafya on this, also kids have shorter attention spans than adults, perhaps do activities at a lesser time frame. (Even with adults or older kids studying, it is noted that around 20min-30min on something is enough before you need to stop and take a break and later go back to it).

umss, your kids are no different to other kids, even well mannered/rounded kids.  

As salamu alaikum. 

Sis. Umms tarbiya is one of the greatest obligations of a muslim woman.  Allah will bless you for your sincerity in seeking knowledge to better your children's upbringing.  In sha allah I'll try to answer what I can. 

1. disobey or delay to respond you even on a small request like stop watching TV and go to sleep etc.?

Behavior is many cases is a learned phenomenon that is influenced by the environment.  If a child misbehaves and the behavior is not punished consistently, the behavior will most likely be reinforced.   Punishment doesn't have to be hitting.  It's anything that will cause a decrease in the bahavior.

The next time you tell your child to turn off the TV and he/she doesn't, you turn it off.  Then you take the television for a specific amount of time.  This punishment has to be immediately after the behavior (don't wait until your husband gets home, the kid has forgotten everything by then).  If the child cries, screams, begs, bargains, etc. when you remove the TV, don't give in to it.  If you set a punishment and then let the child off the hook, you will not only reinforce the unwanted behavior, but you'll make it occur more frequently. 

If your child has a serious problem with obedience, it's important to first teach him/her how to be obedient, then reward him/her for obedience.  How do you teach obedience???  

a)  First you sit down with your child and explain the specific behaviour that you desire from him/her (i.e "Ahmed, when mommy says turn off the TV I want you to say "yes mommy" and then turn it off quickly").  Don't use general terms like "i want you to behave yourself."  It's confusing for children.  Try telling your husband to "behave", it's enough to confuse a grown man even.

b)  Once you've exaplained the desired behavior, practice it. ("ok Ahmed we're going to practice.  Are you ready?  Ahmed turn off the TV").  Do it a couple of times.  If you have a camcorder, record him "obeying you" and let him watch. 

c) Then you should explain the reward system you'll use with him.  (ok Ahmed, everytime I ask you to turn off the TV and you do like we've practiced you'll get a sticker on this chart.  10 stickers= one dollar.  At the end of the week you can cash in your stickers for money).

d) Explain the punishment ("Ahmed, if you don't do like we've practiced you won't get the sticker and you'll have to sit on time out for x amount of minutes").

Just remember, a reward is not a reward if it's given freely.  If for example you make money the reward.  Then you should only give him/her money for the stickers they've earned.  Make sure your husband backs you up on this.

 lack of consentration on study?

What exactly do you mean by this?  Is the child having a hard time paying attention?  This could be due to excessive sugar intake.  Try not to give your children lots of candy, sugary drinks, etc.  In fact, if you limit their sugar intake to the weekend that's best.  Not just for concentration but for their health.  The statistics on diabetes amongst chilren in the U.S is scary.

When your child is doing homework, make sure there are no distractions where he's studying (no TV or radio playing, no people talking, etc.).  Make yourself available just incase he's having a hard time with his homework.  Some children need more academic coaching than others. 

1. did something that you dislike, even it is halal thing?

Sis, I really need an example for this one.  Just, try not to be a skin flint.  Ultimately, your children must obey you no matter what.  Allah commands us to obey our parents (so long as obeying them is not disobeying Allah).  Your children need to uderstand that by obeying you and their father, they are obeying Allah.  This understanding comes through proper Islamic education.  If you've never talked to your children about Allah, the hereafter, etc. you need to start.  How can they understand and respect your authority over them if they are heedless of Allah's right over them??????

  attending the public school in the UK?

I would honestly suggest home school or Islamic school.  In the US there are plenty of charter schools that provide parents with everything required to successfully homeschool.  At the end, the child earns an accredited high school diploma.  I'm not sure about the UK.  Check with the school board in your area.  Islamic schools in the West are not perfect, but they're certainly safer for muslim children.

Salaam