How do I help my husband?

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   My husband and I have been married for nearly 4 years.We love each other deeply,and are VERY happy together.My ONLY complaint is that our intimate life together is pretty horrible.We rarely make love,(he's so tired from work all the time),and when we do,it's straight to intercourse,no warming me up,no preparing me.So sex is short,and painful for me.He feel's it is sin to touch me other than to have intercourse.Is that true?(I reverted to Islam 5 years ago,he was born into Islam)He was a virgin when we were married,I had been married before.But was sexually inactive for 10 year's prior to this marriage(by choice). When we were first married,the intimate act was fine,not great,but fine.Now,it's just awful.I dont even want him to touch me because everytime he does,he only goes straight for intercourse,which end's up hurting me,because my body was not made ready for it. He wont even touch me 'down there'. No foreplay whatsoever.And he get's angrey if I bring up(which I rarely do because he get's angrey)that we could improve this part of our life.He say's that when we move back to the country,and family we love and miss,that our love life will improve.(We plan on doing this in a few months)This difficulty in our marriage has been going on for 3 year's.I've been very patient.We do love each other.So please,no "just divorce him" reply's,thank you. How can I get him to understand,(without hurting him,or angering him)that a woman need's TIME,need's foreplay before "the act"?

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Mona45 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 29 November 2006 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 11	Post Options Post Reply Quote Mona45 Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Topic: How do I help my husband? Posted: 01 December 2006 at 2:11pm
	My husband and I have been married for nearly 4 years.We love each other deeply,and are VERY happy together.My ONLY complaint is that our intimate life together is pretty horrible.We rarely make love,(he's so tired from work all the time),and when we do,it's straight to intercourse,no warming me up,no preparing me.So sex is short,and painful for me.He feel's it is sin to touch me other than to have intercourse.Is that true?(I reverted to Islam 5 years ago,he was born into Islam)He was a virgin when we were married,I had been married before.But was sexually inactive for 10 year's prior to this marriage(by choice). When we were first married,the intimate act was fine,not great,but fine.Now,it's just awful.I dont even want him to touch me because everytime he does,he only goes straight for intercourse,which end's up hurting me,because my body was not made ready for it. He wont even touch me 'down there'. No foreplay whatsoever.And he get's angrey if I bring up(which I rarely do because he get's angrey)that we could improve this part of our life.He say's that when we move back to the country,and family we love and miss,that our love life will improve.(We plan on doing this in a few months)This difficulty in our marriage has been going on for 3 year's.I've been very patient.We do love each other.So please,no "just divorce him" reply's,thank you. How can I get him to understand,(without hurting him,or angering him)that a woman need's TIME,need's foreplay before "the act"?

J.R. Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 25 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 87	Post Options Post Reply Quote J.R. Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 01 December 2006 at 2:49pm
	Assalamu Alaikum Sister, Your husband must understand that it is his Islamic duty as a husband to please you sexually. Every Muslim woman deserves to have that and so does every Muslim husband. It is his obligation to make you happy in your intimate relations. There are many Islamic traditions (in Hadeeth and I do believe in the Qur'an if I'm not mistaken) that tell the husband not to just fall upon his wife and get the act over with. Allah (swt) created women the way we are and we often need preparation of our bodies and minds for sex. Husbands in Islam are instructed to do this for their wives. He has no right to get angry with you when you bring up your right that he's failing to fulfull for you. This is your right as a woman and a wife. I don't think there's any other way of saying it. It's a shame he sees this as sinful because our sexuality is a gift from Allah (swt) that is meant to be explored and enjoyed within marriage. You can't go through your life unsatisfied. Since you do love each other so much, then he should understand and not be angry with you. Please let us know how things go. May Allah (swt) bless you and help your husband with this. JR
	Smile

Mona45 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 29 November 2006 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 11	Post Options Post Reply Quote Mona45 Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 01 December 2006 at 3:50pm
	Thank you for responding.Right now I'm at the point of tear's thinking of how deeply unsatisfied I am. I feel awful.I feel ugly.I feel dead. I have NO ONE to talk to regarding this. I stay at home all day,ALONE. I'm just so sad right now.

Jenni Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 10 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 705	Post Options Post Reply Quote Jenni Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 01 December 2006 at 6:19pm
	Mona45, I had a friend who had a similar situation and she is now divorced and remarried very happily. Looking back she sees many signs that her ex husband either had a second wife, a girlfriend or was gay and having a relationship with a man. It sounds awful, but as women we must never be naive about anything. YOU have to stand up for YOURSELF in this world. If your husband is not being kind to you in bed then tell him you are no longer interested in any sexual contact until he is ready to change. Maybe you need marital counseling, maybe he is depressed, or maybe he is not in love with you. I am just being honest. I am not going to say divorce him however I will say no sex is better than horrible sex and you should refuse him if he is hurting you and you are not enjoying it. If you are at a last resort and worried about your chastity I have read some scholars say it is acceptable to pleasure yourself, but only as a last result. And for some people in bad marriages this is thier only option. That is just what I have read, so you have to find out for yourself. Peace
	You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.

Mona45 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 29 November 2006 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 11	Post Options Post Reply Quote Mona45 Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 01 December 2006 at 6:46pm
	Thanks for responding Jenni.I know my husband love's me.I know he's not gay,or having an outside relationship.I was divorced when I was 29 year's old. I remarried when I was 42 year's old.I'm 46 now. I cant have children,and that's ok with THIS husband,but if I divorce him,will I be able to find another husband? It took me 13 year's to find THIS one! Will I be able to find a husband who is ok with me not being able to bear children? I am NOT happy with my marriage the way it is now.Not happy at all. But,what can I do? He would NEVER go for counseling. I know him too well.He would NEVER go for that. So,right now,if he come's to me in this intimate way,and try's to do his 'normal routine',I'm going to jump up and say no! No more! If he want's to remain married to me,he'd better step up to the plate,and do some BIG improving. I just dont want to die alone in my old age. I have no family of my own. My mother died alone at age 70.They did not find her dead in her apartment for THREE day's. I dont want to end up like her. With my husband,I have a very large and loving family,who adore me,and I,them. This problem with our sex life is very bad,and I may end up losing everything.

Jenni Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 10 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 705	Post Options Post Reply Quote Jenni Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 01 December 2006 at 8:24pm
	Mona45, I know you are very sad. Again stand up for yourself and I wish the best for you. We women need to be our own best friends. By the way there are many good men who are divorced or widowed that allready have children looking for good women. Just in case your situation does not improve. There is no rule in Islam that women sacrifice thier happiness and well being for a man that is just st**id to her needs. Most men in thier late 40's and early 50's don't want to have more children so there are men out there. Just know that you allways have options and while being alone may seem bad, sometimes being lonely with a man is worse. Peace
	You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.

Mona45 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 29 November 2006 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 11	Post Options Post Reply Quote Mona45 Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 02 December 2006 at 1:08pm
	Thank you Jenni. I can see that you have a good,and kind heart.This morning,my husband and I talked well into the afternoon. He apologized deeply for my unhappiness. His job that has been making him so tired,is ending tomarrow.Really it has come down to him,all this time,being just so incredibly tired from working 13-16 hour day's. Having no engery to even THINK about our romantic life together.He plan's on taking a week off to get some good rest,then we plan on doing some nice things together before he start's working again. We are working so hard so we will have the money to build our home in Jordan.That is where we were truely happy.I guess what our problem has been is exhaustion the last three years since we came to America.Working,working,working.No time for fun or romance. The best thing,is that my husband and I have had a good heart to heart talk.The air is cleared.I still feel a sense of saddness,but I think that is just the last three year's of struggle catching up to me. Soon,Inshalallah,I will be back to my normal happy self again. With him working so hard,I just stay at home,alone,and I guess that get's to a person after awhile. I want to thank all my forum sister's for caring about me,and my situation,and caring enough to help me. With BIG LOVE,your sister,Mona

Mona45 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 29 November 2006 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 11	Post Options Post Reply Quote Mona45 Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 04 December 2006 at 9:50am
	Things are not good right now.I dont think I'll be going back to Jordan with my husband.